Open Letter to My Abuser

I can't forget.

All my life I have struggled under a cloud and that cloud is you. You've been a cloud that blinds me to the goodness of others, obscures any faith except in myself, and chokes the clear air I was meant to breathe all along. I can't forget.

Every time I wake up screaming, moaning, crying in the grips of some terrifying nightmare I have you to thank. I keep my back to the wall and mistrust anyone who comes near me. I gave up on most normal relationships long ago because I'm too complicated. Mostly because I can't forget about you. I can't be normal and god knows I've tried. It doesn't work because I'm broken.

People have a natural curiosity and want to know why I jump and cry out when I'm startled, which is all the time. I can't answer them truthfully so I just become another weirdo with strange behavior. I can't tell them that I'm a survivor and that it's your fault. No one but another survivor would understand that anyway. Why can't I forget?

Family relationships are strained or ruined or nonexistent because I have to lie about you. I find it harder and harder to pretend like there's nothing wrong so I just...stay...away. It's hard to explain and no one believes me anyway. You've managed to fool them all, and I look like the black sheep once again. I'm the liar, and you're the golden one. I can't forget, and you'll never be golden for me.

Oh, I know you've tried to make things up to me, tried to be my friend, tried to be cool and hang out and whatever else it is that people do when they know they've made mistakes, but it does not cover up the experience for me. It does not mitigate your guilt, and it does not make me suddenly feel better. It does not erase the years you took from me, the innocence you stole, or wash away your scent from my mind. I wish it could!

I want you know that it wasn't you I was protecting all those years with my silence. It was myself. I wanted to have the love of our father and he never would have believed the truth. It was you or me. I chose me. I chose to have a relationship with him and I knew that he loved you more. He loved you more even though you never deserved it. I'm not the sexual abuser and murderer, but he loved you more anyway. I will never understand it, but he's gone now, and I don't care who knows the truth. I covered for you long enough. I fake-smiled through the family functions and I'm done with it. If I can't be honest with the family then I will just walk away. You know I missed so many important things because I needed to avoid you. I'm done with that too. I can't forget, and I'm not going to lie anymore.

Just thought you should know.