pumpkin cheesecake. YUM!

I had to faff with about 10 other recipes to get this one correct. I made this over Thanksgiving and it rocked. We'll see if I get it right this time, with my bad memory and what not.

=)

1-1/2 cups finely crushed Ginger Snaps (about 38 cookies)
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted
4 pkg. (8 oz. each) Cream Cheese, softened
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 Tbsp. flour
2 cup mashed cooked fresh pumpkin
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. cloves
1 tsp. ginger
1 tsp. vanilla
4 eggs

PREHEAT oven to 325°F if using silver 9-inch springform pan (or to 300°F if using dark nonstick 9-inch springform pan). Mix ginger snap crumbs and butter; press firmly onto bottom and 1 inch up side of pan. Bake the crust for 5 minutes to set it.

BEAT cream cheese, sugar and flour in large bowl with electric mixer (or food processor) on medium speed until well blended. Add pumpkin, spices and vanilla; mix well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, mixing after each addition just until blended. Pour into crust.

BAKE 1 hour and 15 minutes or until center is almost set. Loosen cake from rim of pan; cool before removing the rim of pan. Refrigerate overnight. Store leftover cheesecake in refrigerator.

purl till you dye

I'm becoming a knitting fool. I'm not sad about it, because of all the cool stuff I've made/am making...and I even made a new blog about it. www.knityousucka.blogspot.com

It's fun, and I'm including all local knitters who want to post, basically friends and me. I've been spending too much money on yarn, but jesus christ it's not like it's drugs, and it's improving my hand-eye coordination.

so it occurs to me...

...that I haven't done my Christmas rant. Or wait, have I? Dunno. Anyway - for the holiday I pretty much worked through- but I did have time to join my friends Dory and Daryl for a nice dinnah on Xmas eve.
I didn't call the parents, although why I didn't is way beyond me. I was thinking about them, et cetera, but that phone call never materialized. I guess I'm just procrastinating.
I did receive the lion's share of xmas cards from folks, which was verrah nice. I got a really great gift from a staff & consumer, which was a 30 minute massage package. Woot!
I got invited round to all the parties and such, too. I guess that indicates I'm not overly repulsive.
Bill was with his daughters and their peeps, so I didn't see him until Sunday night. I knew he had all kinds of places to be so that's the main reason I took on so many shifts, including cat sitting for Dave and Amy. He would never say it but the last thing I want to do is intrude on people's holidays. So I felt it was better to be already engaged.
Anyway, Christmas is a stupid holiday. Still, I like it, and this year it sucked and I'm not quite sure why. I'm actually upset about it but I have no insight into these emotions yet. I was very glad to keep it low key, but on the other hand I feel like there was so much missing. An odd dichotomy- I'll have to work it out later. I think I'm PMS-ing now.

who says that tzatziki running down your chin ain't sexay?

So there's me at lunch mindin my own, and some dude was just starin at me eating my gyro. So I finished up and geared up to head out and dude goes ahead of me, opens the door for me, then introduces himself and asks for my number. Yost like that. I was kind of taken aback, but he was cute and it was very flattering, even as I turned him down. =) So who says greek food ain't where it's at?

Worst Liberal Pickup Lines EVER.

Thanks to Act for Love.

best cat toy ever.

My converted aquarium has kept Xerox occupied for hours at a time, now that I put some fish in there. When Salm was there he would sit briefly and gaze upon the goldfish, but now! He sits and watches and waits for the moment when one of the fishies will hop out and present itself as a kitty lunch. His little head will follow the movements of the fish, back and forth and back and forth. If I'd have known that Xe would get such a kick out of the tank I'd have done it years ago. Of course, I like the tank too, but that's nothing compared to watching my old cat become enthralled with the thrill of the swim. I put the Starship Troopers warrior bug toy on top so the cats wouldn't get any real ideas. They're scared silly of that toy, as I found out when Salm was in the tank. All I had to do was set it on top and Mojo never again jumped on the screen. I left the cat tree next to the tank so they can sit and watch, but that's my only concession. No cats in tank!

things that got forgotten

I was cleaning up the place and it occurred to me that there should have been seven things for which to be grateful. So here they are:

Seven things I'm grateful for:

1. I'm blissfully in love with one of the most wonderful men I've ever known.
2. I have really great friends.
3. I'm alive, and any day above ground is a good day.
4. My dad, although nuts, rocks, and I'm grateful to have him.
5. I've had the opportunity to not only make friends around the world, but to meet them.
6. I have two really awesome cats who love me without question.
7. I'm allowed to be a Liberal and not stoned in the street for my beliefs like in some other countries.

ugh. disgusting.

...by that I mean my apartment. I can't even stand myself anymore because I'm such a freakin slob. Not one single surface not covered by crapola, papers, clutter...
I'm driving myself nuts over it. I'm tempted to grab large garbage bags and just throw it all out. Chuck it all and move to Tahiti. No clothes, no papers, no cd's, no nothing. How the hell I ended up this messy is just beyond me. I used to be a cleaning nut. I used to get really upset by anything on the floor- clothes had to be in baskets, cd's in order in their cases... Huh. My how things have changed. Anyone know a good maid service? =P

I’ve Been Tagged…

…by Shakespeare's Sister with the seven times seven meme. So here goes.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die

1. Be happy a little bit each day.
2. Travel the world extensively.
3. Make some contribution to the world that will help people and be remembered.
4. Get a college degree.
5. Be a mother.
6. Become fluent in several languages.
7. Let people love me.


Seven Things I Cannot Do

1. Play the guitar.
2. Run a mile.(oh hell who am I kidding...a half mile even.)
3. Tell a joke and have it be funny.
4. Have sex with women.
5. Accept the beliefs of neocon fucktards.
6. Stop smoking for good and all.
7. Forgive my family and get on with it.


Seven Things That Attract Me to...Blogging

1. Getting to write as much as I want.
2. It gives me an outlet for my ranting.
3. I like reading from other points of view.
4. Knowing that I can find any goddamn thing on someone's blog somewhere.
5. Exchange of ideas round the globe.
6. Connecting with other misfits like me.
7. Typing skills.


Seven Things I Say Most Often

1. I was *so* pissed!
2. Oh my god.
3. I just don't get it!
4. Sheyah.
5. I am *so* sure.
6. Oh jesus.
7. Next in line! (well yah I work in retail, don't I?)


Seven Books That I Love

1. Pastwatch
2. Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club
3. Tale of the Body Thief
4. Practical Demonkeeping
5. The Mummy (Rice version)
6. Cryptonomicon
7. Faerie Tale


Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again

1. Bridget Jones Diary 1
2. French Kiss
3. Singin in the Rain
4. An Affair to Remember
5. Grosse Point Blank
6. Notting Hill
7. Secrets and Lies


Seven People I Want To Join In Too

1- 7. Oh jesus, whoever wants to. Just let me know in comments!

She's Lying.

So there's a billboard in town that says only that. It's said only that for weeks. It's very weird and I don't geddit. However...! Last night I drove by et voila! It suddenly seems there is more to the story!

Printed above it are the words, "She said she wants a vacuum for christmas" (or something to that effect.)

She's Lying.

Buy Diamonds, etc...

It's a freakin diamond ad. If I have to hear ONE MORE jewelry ad saying you should buy your woman some jewels or you're in the doghouse, I may scream obscenities to myself. Hell I will anyway, I'd just have a reason then.

How has it become that you are less of a man if you don't buy your woman hundreds of dollars of diamonds every occasion? And how is it that women are so fucking shallow that they'd expect it, or be mortally unhappy, to the point of breaking up, divorcing, forcing to sleep on couch, whatever? Bleh. It's all Bushit.

It's the ad companies who force these ideas on people. Sorta like the fucktard neocons saying merry christmas as a dig. What the fuck is THAT about, I want to know. Last night this ASSHOLE at Borders was buying a bunch of shit and I said happy holidays, whatever, have a good night, you know, something on autopilot as he was finishing up with the sale. He says to me, "Please tell me Merry Christmas!" so I said, allright, merry christmas. (with my characteristic "I think you're nuts" shrug, and not much emotion.) Like I give a ratfuck. It's a freaking PHRASE, not a kick to the ass. So this jerk has a total attitude of superiority like he's won $5 in the lotto, and tells me his story of having to "make his bank teller say merry christmas, and she wouldn't, even though she's known him for forever." He was totally weird about it, as if it's some battle he was in over something important. So I just shrugged again...cause you know, WHAT-EVER.

Fucktard neocons. It's a pagan fucking holiday. You're buying GIFTS to give each other, 8 months after Jesus would have been born, cause some Pope decided to put the holiday together with a pagan solstice, tree lighting day. So if this stupid asshole is so into christmas and the meaning of it, why is he spending $300 on the altar of commercialism? Presents will probably go under his pagan symbol tree, and he'll feel righteous as hell. Well good for him. I really wish some part of him understands how incredibly stupid he appears to me as a bystander. I have waited on him before and I am more convinced than ever, every time he comes in, that he's a fucktard. And he is BREEDING. He brings his pregnant wife over to give her caffeine. Nice. Smart folk. Not. Jesus. It's so frustrating knowing so many idiots are out there, and breeding, and probably voting. At least he brings his dyke sister in with him each time, at least she's not likely to continue that line. He probably hasn't figured out that she's gay yet, even with the SuperButch dyke uniform/spiked mullet/leather combo she's got going. Well won't that be fun some holiday...pardon me, Christmas, when she shows up to the dinner with a...roommate. I wish I could see his face. Ha. Oh the beautiful irony - he's Soooooooooooooooooo concerned with strangers toeing the line, yet his own sister is not in the game.
Merry fucking christmas, asshole.

good day, sunshine

so it was seriously warm out today, with sun and melty snow and everything a girl could want, with the exception of a lover's company. I had to work in the morning with a woman who lives not too far away, and she was totally talky and perky and friendly and it was a good morning.

I got my printer from Ebay - it's missing both ink cartridges and a usb cable. Hmph. I do NOT want to go to best buy during the holiday season. I can only imagine the horror and crowdage. Maybe I'll hit radio shack instead. Much less chance of being killed by stomping suburban soccer moms on a mission.

thinking good thoughts

So there's nothing like sitting on the edge of the tub by the commode, waiting for the nausea to pass and the meds to kick in. So I think happy thoughts. Like yesterday how one of the job coaches flirted with me enough for a co-worker to notice and comment. Wahoo! That's a fun thing. I don't think I flirted back, but hey who cares? It was a pleasant thing from a seriously charismatic Scorpio that has been making me blush for a year and a half.
Then there's the super-soft chenille scarf I'm knitting. It's black with purple stripes on the ends. It's gonna be so sweet with the new black leather jacket.
Then there's the new black leather jacket. I'm so stoked, cause it was, don't you know, seriously on SALE. I love the holidays, when you can pick up a nice piece of dyed dead cow for under $100. I wanted faux fur but when I tried *that* one on, it turned out to be real rabbit. Ew. I peeled it off quick.
What else could keep me occupied while I'm kicking this migraine to the curb? (kerb for alla the euros about).
Oh yeah! Flashback to Napoleon Dynamite's dance scene. Oh.Mah.Gawd. Roar-Laugh-Die-Too freakin hilarious. The only real moment in the movie that I thought was actually funny, save for the moment when his brother Kip says "peace out." Rip-snorting moment there too.
Then we move on to an email I got from another old classmate at SBHS. It's so odd to speak with folks who might have known me then. Was I so different? I'm sure I more courageous (or stupid) and probably cuter. But as long as my honey likes me then I suppose I don't mind the changes. But back to the email. I'm not even sure whether I know who the person is, but I combed the yearbook and it jogged my overworked, medicated brain a bit. I'm seeing a physiology classroom at lunch, filled with gamers and lots of die rolling adventures. How fun for a good thought!

Well, there are my happy thoughts while waiting to puke or get better. It's always a toss up.

And ones I'd add...

Mary Poppins
9 & 1/2 Weeks
Young Frankenstein
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Office Space
Starship Troopers

I can probably think of more - but there are just movies out there that have constant pop culture value and reference. They are *not* to be missed.

Movies you have to see to be know what people are talking about

..from an email DoryO wrote:

Basic American Cinematic Literacy?

Crap. This is harder than I thought. There's good movies that really aren't required to be able to "get the joke" in mainstream pop culture. But then there's dumb movies I wouldn't recommend like The Exorcist and Die Hard that you really should have some familiarity with. Here's my must-see list off the top of my head.

These are movies about which you'd say to someone, "Seriously? You haven't seen it? Are you kidding. Well, you have to."

A separate list is of movies I wouldn't recommend you have to see start to finish to get the idea. You'd only have to watch the trailer and read a review to be up to speed: Dirty Dancing, Top Gun, Caddyshack.

MANDATORY -- No excuses:

Gone With The Wind
It's A Wonderful Life
Psycho
Rear Window
Wizard of Oz
Casablanca
The Graduate
Star Wars
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (original)
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Blazing Saddles
Airplane
Annie Hall
When Harry Met Sally
Bull Durham
Some Like It Hot
Oklahoma
Singin' In The Rain
Sound of Music
Treasure of the Sierra Madre
The Godfather Pts 1 & 2
Shrek
Finding Nemo
Pulp Fiction
Dr Strangelove
All About Eve
The Seven Year Itch
Rocky
Flashdance
Saturday Night Fever
American Graffiti
Fantasia
The Jerk
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Sunset Blvd
Fight Club
Apocalype Now
To Kill a Mockingbird
Monty Python & the Holy Grail
The Shining
The Princess Bride
Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid
A Christmas Story
Being John Malkovich

longest poo ever

So my snail went missing, but my goldfish is growing to gargantuan size. Right now he's swimming around with this THREE inch-long poo hanging from his nethers. What kind of messed up thing is that? I would hate to have to walk around with my poo hanging out. The life of a goldfish must suck ass. First you're stuck in a tank with no opportunity for release unless you're dead and then you go down the toilet. Then, you're dependent upon all-seeing strangers for food, and if they forget, or don't like you, you're toast. Then, you're stuck swimming around with giant poo hanging from your fish ass. How embarrassing. I think they need to make little fish diapers or something. "Depends...for that aquatic loved one in your life."

I can't fucking win but it ain't that bad.

So last night was cool. After a looooooong assed day of appts and meetings I went with Bill out to the Capitol Brewery for his company's party. Like aiii said, a brewery! (brouwerijen to some) and the beer was VER-ah tasty! Met some folk, et some vittels, and then we headed home.

So, again...some asswipe decides to turn left from the wrong lane in front of my car, as I'm going about 35 mph. I almost got out of the way, but I did hit him. Arrrrrrrgggghhhhhh! Two accidents in two days, my GOD! The first one I was sitting there, not moving, peacefully in a snowbank when I got plowed from behind. This one the guy made a totally illegal turn in front of me when I was, again, peacefully ensconced in a snowbank. Ok. There was no snowbank, but I was peacefully obeying every law and driving slowly. Thank god.
So the idjits bumper got cracked and my license plate was dented up. Again.

I was tempted to ask this moh-ron to stop smoking crack before he drives, but then he got out of the car and he was so fucking clueless, and so fucking sorry, and so fucking lost and whatever - I just felt sorry for him at the same time I wanted to smack him around. He was some kind of marine who needed to get back to his hotel on the far east side of town, and he was from some small town and didn't know his way around anywhere. He had on a USMC San Diego (woot San Diego!) sweatshirt and I'm betting he was either coming or going from Miramar or Pendleton. Anyhoo this all worked in his favor and I was inclined to be helpful.

Besides, it does me no good to be a bitch at Christmas. I might end up with coal in my stocking and I'm so fucking religious that I don't want Jesus Santa Christ mad at me.

So the clueless guy was staying in a hotel right by my house so I told him to follow me and I'd get him back. Which I did, then I sent him off with a wave, and went home.

winter wonder-fucking-land

Yep. So it's snowy and snowy, and even more snowy. I went to work, did that thang I do, and headed home. I went down Thompson because it's less traffic than East Wash, and what to my wondering eyes do appear than 6 cars in separate accidents. I was going about 15 mph when my car lost traction and I went nose first into a snowbank. Ok, I thought, no biggie. Then crunch. Another guy slammed me from behind. wow, this went all porn for a sec.
Anyway.
I was lodged into a bank with people playing bumper cars all over and I had no where to go. There wasn't any real damage to either my car or the guy who crunched me, and I got dug out and made it home ok.

I need a nap.

I'm such a bitch.

So bill said mojo was having trouble with his ears, and I know that occasionally he and Xerox both will get icky brown waxy stuff in there and need to have it cleaned out. Rather than the stress of taking them to strangers, I hold them down and clean it myself. Today was no different. I grabbed Xe first cause Mojo was wise to the jig and wouldn't come to me. Poor Xe was so miserable but he got through it ok. Then I got to Mo. I wrapped him up in a towel and held him down because he's really a wiggler and he gets so upset by anyone messing with his ears. Well, any part of him, really. He used to struggle like mad when he had claws that needed to be clipped. He's just not ever going to be an easy customer like Xe.
So I had him down and he was just feisty and hatin' it. I finally got the worst of it cleaned up and he was just turning all psycho and stuff and I decided he'd had enough and let him go. He leapt off and I saw that he'd PEED on me. He was that much either a. scared or b. in pain. I feel like a schmuck for putting him through that. That cat adores me, and here I was traumatizing him into peeing. At least his ears are clean for a while. Poor guy. =( Afterwards he sat in his favorite spot under the counter in my living room and I petted him. His ears were down and he was just silent and wouldn't even look at me. He'll have forgiven me by the time I get home from work but right now I have alienated a cat that normally worships the ground I walk on. It's a sad feeling, even if it was for his own good.

All Women MUST Use This!!

All Men Can Skip This Blog~ I promise we're not talking about you! =)

I'm lovin' it. I was worried about leaking or something, but even at the height of heavy flow it was like there was nothing going on.

AND it says you can have sex and your partner won't even know you're having a period!

A godsend. A TOTAL godsend.

Thank you, Thank you, Sam-I-am.


UPDATE:

Practice using this before putting it to the test! I think mine slipped and it was messy! However, I used it all night and it was GREAT. No leaking or anything. I had to really work at getting it perfect though. I won't go into detail but you get the idea.

Yahoo 360

Debra told me about this and I thought I'd try it. I like it a lot so far. I get to write reviews! Besides which, this blog has a direct RSS feed~! Anyone who wants to read my blog only has to go to my yahoo 360 page and click. Fun.

nice surprise!

there's a snail living in my fish tank! I didn't put him there, but there he was this morning, all roamy and stuff, just eating his way around. That's so cool.

Online Orgasm Simulation

just click. I promise you'll roar.

sibling rivalry

jesus god.

so I called my sister julie tonight and spoke with her because she's in a hospital in minneapolis, near death apparently, according to my other sister tina.

well first, she is pretty near death, but she's not gonna go soon, so I don't feel any compulsion to ruin my weekend and go see her. she's stable, at least. she's got serious problems with her heart and lungs. calcium deposited on her heart, and she had 4 liters of fluid on her lungs. they went in and took both off and she can breathe now. still, what's the fucking point. god what a sorry sack. her life is a train wreck and I was embarrassed for her. besides her health she was talking about having to go to court to be evicted twice in two weeks, how her husband won't get a job and totalled the car, her daughter is a juvenile delinquent and her ex-husband and mother in law are going to jail for kidnapping one of her daughters over veteran's day weekend and taking her to texas. I guess julie's daughter called a cousin all freaked out and through the cousin they were able to contact my sister (who has no phone) and she called the police and got her daughter back. she lives in the country (renting a house) but has no job and no car and no public transport to get to town. she's stranded with a loser husband and two kids and a few dogs, and she's at death's door on top of it with no help. to her credit she didn't ask me for anything, but I could tell she was feeling me out. julie's got another daughter who is in college in moorhead, minnesota, with excellent grades, a great fiance, and a good future in psychology. I don't know how my sister kicked that one out - not by example I can tell you that.

on the other front my sister tina is crazier than ever according to julie. not only does she still have the same issues over which I stopped contacting her years ago, but she's worse. julie made the mistake of bringing a thermos of coffee over to tina's and it says coca-cola on it. well holy jeez they are supportive of faggots, how could julie bring that symbol of all that is unholy into tina's house?! so tina had said she is active in "the church" so julie clarified that tina is just finding more reasons to be crazy. her daughter alysha has crohn's disease. like me. like julie. she was diagnosed about a week ago and is pretty fucking miserable. poor kid. she's in college and moving out on her own soon because, well, her mother is psychotic. tina's other daughter kara is pretty messed up as well. tina made it sound pretty bad the other night to me, but julie didn't really contradict anything. julie also didn't mention tina's other son mathew, but seeing as he's a male and in that family the males stick together, he could be with his addict father or somesuch. one never knows. it's odd, actually now that I think about it, that neither one mentioned tina's son. he's right between alysha and kara, so probably around 18 or so? Hm.

I think I'm doing allright here in madison and I'm not going to make any great effort to contact any of my family, even after they have left multiple messages today when I was at work. I totally don't want to get sucked in to that dysfunction. how the hell everyone ended up so fucked up is really beyond me. julie was okay before she met her husband, even if she always needed someone to bail her out. tina I gave up on years ago and I am pretty much fine with that. I can't deal with a homophobic psychopathic bitch. my brother is a whole nuther story that I can't really go into. suffice it to say he's not a good person, and I really can't get involved there either, no matter how many times I read the fucking courage to heal.

sometimes it's better to make one's own family. my dad's great, even though he emailed me a retard joke today. I think he thinks it's um...relevant or something. whatthefuckevah.

I listened to julie tonight and I just kept thinking: how? how does this happen? was it always like this? what if it was, anyway. did I even notice? was I like that? jesus christ I hope not. I was hoping when I talked to julie that I would hear good news, even a little bit. call me a fucking optimist (perish that thought motherfucker), but I was hoping for some kernel of goodness in the quagmire of my sibling relations. we can't all be that fucked up, can we? shit.

they can, apparently. maybe there's hope for heather. she never knew this side of things.

shit. there I go again being optimistic.

well shoot me.

happy fucking birthday to me.

sunday gaming update

So there we were in the woods on the way to the avoirdupois lands, with changes all about us. We time traveled and that means all the shit came down two thousand years ago. Nothing we see as odd or new is actually odd or new to anyone but us. There's a serious paradigm shift going on for the bard. I think he mostly questions things to piss off Cack but that can't be helped. We'll just have to keep marching on and deal with the consequences of changing time.

We healed darth moll's psionic character who was poisoned with psionic-only bacterial poison blah dee blah I have no idea what this stuff was but he's fixed now. I got a sample of the poison and so did Krueger's gnome, which drove Cack nuts. He was crying about telling everyone he knows about how we've got this poison and etc. and whatever. Yeah I told him I always knew he was a rat fink and a stool pigeon anyway, and it's true. He'd sell out his own mother for an edge. I want the poison for alchemical study. I'm a freakin wizard, yo. That's what I do. I would like to come up with a reverse bacterial agent, like an antidote. I mean, sure, we can get the paladin to heal disease every time, but that's really not helpful in the end when there's a serious war on psionics. Gerard can't be everywhere at once. I can't speak for Krueger's gnome. I think he just wants to sell it to the highest bidder once he figures out how to duplicate it. Seeing as how it's so goddamn effective against psionics I don't agree with his philosophy but what are you gonna do. He's a GNOME for christsakes.

I guess I wasn't all that nice to the Punk tonight- but it was Cack who said that Homeland Security vis a vis the Patriot Act is a good thing because it ensures the Punk has gainful employment. We were talking about all the ridiculous rules for flying on an airplane and getting through security. Apparently one may take scissors now but only if they are less than 4 inches. One may also take a screwdriver (!!) if it's less than 7 inches. WTF? So you can take the scissors on a swiss army knife but it can't have the actual knife part on it or it'll get confiscated. My entire feeling about this subject is that I don't feel safer. Not one bit.

Well to get back to the other subject, after Cack made the comment about gainful employment for the Punk I agreed with him on the grounds that the punk has always had trouble in that area before. Now this is true. It's one of the dealbreakers of our relationship that he wouldn't get a fucking job, and when he did he'd get fired and lie to me about it. Plus, he'd lie about paying bills and we went without hot water and heat in the winter in fucking wisconsin after I gave him money to fill up the gas. Everything fucking froze and we were ankle deep in sewage water when the subpump backed up. So fuck that.

Anyways the punk got really offended and gave me the silent treatment for hours. Actually he gave everyone the silent treatment for hours I guess to let them know how pissed he was at me. Well whatthefuckever. He got over it and proceeded to take out his frustrations by annoying Cack. If I really gave a shit about the punk's feelings when clearly he should not be upset with me then it would have affected me more that he was being all pissy about me bringing up the fact that he was a jobless loser for years. Cause don't you know I should forget all about everything that happened for years and I should pretend that the punk is a perfect fucking eagle scout and always did what he should've in every situation, and boy was I stupid for giving that up and moving out. I know that he perpetrates this whole idea that I'm flighty and fickle and broke up with him only because I was unhappy living in the country. That's his business I guess but I didn't break up with him and suddenly get fucking amnesia. And I certainly not going to fucking lie to protect his perfect image. It's like his parents and fucking Copper Falls. I'm not going to lie to protect someone that fucked me over again and again and then made it my fault if I said that I wanted things to get better. I didn't even criticize him that much when we were together, mostly because I know that if you hound a person who's in a bad spot they won't crawl out of it. They'll hunker down in misery and never get off their ass. But I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna pretend he was the best fucking thing to ever happen to me just because he lies and says he was so great. Fuck that. I spent years propping him up and bailing him out and pretending things were fine to save face. Bah.

cause I'm a blonde, b-l-a-n-d...

...cause I'm a blonde, don'tcha wish you were me!

So Dory and I got all gir-A and used some bleach I've got serious highlights now! I look about 22 again, Dory says. That's fine with me, yo!

I'll post a pic as soon as I get one. Woot!

let freedom ring...

Two men in UK court over "Jazeera bombing" leak
29 Nov 2005 15:07:58 GMT
Source: Reuters
(Adds quotes from defence lawyer)

By Gideon Long

LONDON, Nov 29 (Reuters) - Two men appeared in a British court on Tuesday accused of leaking a secret document which a newspaper said showed that U.S. President George W. Bush wanted to bomb Arabic television station Al Jazeera.

The hearing came a week after the Daily Mirror reported that a British government memo said Prime Minister Tony Blair had talked Bush out of bombing the broadcaster's headquarters in Qatar in April last year.

The White House has dismissed the report as "outlandish" and on Monday Blair denied receiving any details of a reported U.S. proposal to bomb Al Jazeera.

Defendant David Keogh, a civil servant who used to work at the Cabinet Office, was charged with making a "damaging disclosure of a document relating to international relations".

His co-defendant Leo O'Connor, once a researcher for a former member of parliament, was charged with receiving a document which he knew, or had reason to believe, was protected against disclosure by Britain's Official Secrets Act.

The two spoke only to confirm their personal details during a 15-minute hearing at Bow Street magistrates' court in central London. The case was adjourned until Jan. 10.

The Daily Mirror said the memo came from Blair's Downing Street office and turned up in May last year at the local office of Tony Clarke, then a member of parliament for Blair's Labour party, who had employed O'Connor as a researcher.

Clarke handed the document back to the government.

O'Connor's lawyer Neil Clark told reporters after the hearing he had not been granted access to the document but hoped he would before the trial resumes.

"Sometime between now and January 10 I hope that that document will be disclosed to me," he said. "It needs to be disclosed because it's impossible to defend unless you know the case that you're facing."

He added that his client regarded media reporting of the case as "inaccurate".

In its report, The Mirror quoted an unnamed government official as suggesting Bush's threat was a joke, but added another unidentified source saying Bush was serious.

Al Jazeera, which has repeatedly denied U.S. accusations that it sides with insurgents in Iraq, has called on Britain and the United States to state whether the report was accurate.

The British government's top lawyer warned media organisations after the Daily Mirror story that they would be breaking the law if they published details of the leaked document.

public service announcement UPDATE

Ok so Millenium ID is really super slimy, right? Well HELL and damnation, use it in the shower and it's Da. Bomb.

We tried it out and although it did feel slimy for quite some time, even through soapy washing, the idea of being able to use it in water is awesome. And you can always keep washing until it's gone. I think there is a moisturizer or something in this stuff that lingers.

death of a reptile.

" 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This turtle is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-TURTLE!! "

My little guy is gone. I took him out with tongs this morning, double-bagged him, and tossed him into the dumpster.
I guess he couldn't go on living any more, knowing that there was just not anything out there for him but a large, psychopathic goldfish with imprisonment issues.

curry..omg...curry!

as in...holy shit, I think I put too much. How do I save my soup? Eeek. All I know at this point is that besides the INSANE curry hotness, the flavor is great. I put rosemary and lavender as well as onion powder and fresh garlic. I also used celery salt and fresh mushrooms. I tossed in some brown sugar to kill the heat, and will add fresh cream tomorrow when I reheat to serve. Bah! Soup making is for the birdz.

cooking and drinking - the way to go

Cookin da punkin. I hope I don't mess this up. One never knows if one read the internets wrong and will end up with mush that isn't supposed to be mush.

I'm also boiling up the stringy bits for soup. I found a great soup recipe online for mushrooms, punkin, and curry. We'll see how that comes out too. I guess I need some more yumm-A veggies for that.

I took out the seeds and am drying them overnight on paper towels. We'll have em fresh and hot tomorrow night. I think that'll be fun.

Bill's daughter is in town and wants to see Rent on Saturday. That should be a blast. I invited her over for punkin cheesecake-makin tomorrow.

I'm...talking...in...punctuated...sentences...and...I...have...no...idea...why...

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Shitfuck.

I am very pissed off about Yahoo hotjobs. I prepared a resume, they lost it. I saved a job search, they sent an application? I got a response from a company I didn't even apply to yet. This fucking SUCKS because I don't even know what got sent!

This is totally fucked. How the fuck can I apply for REAL now, not knowing what even went out?? JESUS! Well shitfuck and fuckity fuck. I hate Yahoo. I fucking HATE Yahoo.

public service announcement

I've been asked to put this up as a public service announcement so here you are!! (all of the descriptions came from random websites that sell the product.)

Shelley's personal guide to personal lubricants:

1.)Astroglide
Astroglide Sex lube is a favorite that’s sure to please. Astroglide lubricant is water based & water soluble, petroleum free, light, odorless, colorless, tasteless, non-staining, long lasting, contains no spermicide and won’t harm your condoms! What more could you ask for in a sex lube? Astroglide is second only to nature. Astroglide lube now comes in a Sensual Strawberry Flavored Astroglide lube and a new Astroglide Warming liquid.--- Astroglide fights HIV in lab tests.

Shelley's Opinion:

Astroglide is good, but it can be a little slimy. It doesn't get sticky, which is very nice. It's actually a very good lube, I'd rate it my #2 choice.

2.)KY
KY lubricants safely replace personal moisture in a way that feels natural and helps enhance sexual pleasure. KY lubricants are condom safe, rinse off easily, and KY can be used every day.

Shelley's Opinion:

KY = Lubri-Can't. I didn't like this at all. It was really watery going on, and disappeared in a few minutes. No staying power at all. The bottle leaked, and spilled everywhere besides. It was messy and just no good. Given the choice I'd use pretty much anything BUT ky.

3.)I.D.
I.D. is another water based lubricant that stays slick longer and doesn’t gum up or get sticky. ID Glide is unflavored, non-staining and fragrance free, this product is safe to use on your favorite condoms!

Shelley's Opinion:

Not bad. I would use this again if I had no real options. It's fairly basic and does the trick. However, it does end up getting sticky. I don't know why this happens. When more is added it's not sticky anymore, but that doesn't last too long. I guess if you don't mind it feeling tacky then use it.

4.)I.D. Millenium
Never-Drying and Super Slick, I-D Millennium is the leader in Long Lasting Lubricants. Using a special silicone-based formula, I-D Millenium is Latex-Friendly and will stay slick even under water. Available in 2 oz. and 8oz. sizes, the Advanced Formula makes I-D Millennium the Preferred Choice in High-End Lubricants.

Shelley's Opinion:

Ew. I was grossed out from the first use of this. It's so slimy! Ewwww. I guess if you have SERIOUS lubrication needs then go ahead. But Ew. Also, it was very difficult to wash off my sex toys after using this stuff. It took LOTS of soap to get everything clean, including me.

5.)Kama Sutra
Welcome to the sensual world of Kama Sutra. Inspired by the ancient Indian guide to lovemaking, The Kama Sutra Company has created a line of products designed to help loving couples create joyful experiences of intimacy and pleasure. Edible loving oils, creams, powders and other sexual potions will entice your body, seduce your senses and bring lovers to the edge of ecstasy. For over twenty-five years, millions of people all over the world have used Kama Sutra products to live more passionately. Whether you're male, female, adventurous or just sensuous, Kama Sutra products are the ultimate gift of pleasure to give yourself or someone you love. All Products from Kamasutra are attractively labeled, premium quality and feature the Kama Sutra promise of No Animal Testing.

Shelley's Opinion:

I've really only used the massage oil from this line, but it smells nice, soaks in great, and doesn't leave your hands all icky. I'm allergic to a lot of things, but this stuff was very gentle on my skin, and it really was nice to use for massaging. I think the smell was frankincense or myrrh or something biblical. Don't know, but I liked it. A bunch.

6.)Wet Fun Flavors
This fun moisturizing lotion is water based and Condom compatible but is made to be licked off after a playful massage. Rub it and it gets hot! Blow on it and it gets hotter! A warming lotion with a terrific taste and 8 flavors to choose from.

Shelley's Opinion:

I tried a lot of these. The warming lotion really worked. As in...WOO-AH. The flavors are what you'd expect. Nothing from this line is really spectacular, but definitely gets my seal of approval if you are into that kind of thing. I found that the cinnamon was painful after about five minutes. It's very intense.

7.)Liquid Silk
Liquid Silk is water-based, yet provides the super-silky feel of a silicone-based lube while still being safe for use with condoms. It comes in a convenient pump bottle that is innocuous enough to keep by the bedside. This lightweight lubricant is completely non-tacky and is not stringy like some other lubes; it washes off easily with water, so it's perfect for use with any of your non-silicone toys.

Shelley's Opinion:

By far my favorite. The pump is great. I got really sick of lube bottles spilling onto my sheets and then I'd roll over into a cold wet spot of lube. Yuck! So Liquid Silk has never spilled. It's got a lotion-like consistency that is very smooth and soft. The excess sort of soaks into your skin so you don't have to wonder "where do I wipe my hands now?"
You can use it with toys, for masturbation, for sex, for whatever. It's just basically great stuff and I'd recommend it to anyone. Also, this washes away with water in seconds. I love that. It's not sticky or anything, no matter how long it's on your skin. In fact, it's more likely to soak in than anything else. It lasts a good while, sometimes it seems like I have to keep adding more, but even so it's not a hassle, especially with that pump bottle.

cute email ;)

I know, I'm a silly girlfriend so I see things rosy but damn it, my boyfriend is just so adorable sometimes, and he just makes me smile. Here's an email that just had me smiling for a long time.

Me:

buy these pants!

Here's an ad on Ebay that just cracked me up. Scroll down to read the text. - Shelley

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/ebay-trousers-big.htm

ps. No, I wasn't cruising ebay for leather pants. It was on another site. =P

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, they're close to being my size... you want me to
buy them, don't you? ;-)

xoxoxoxxx,
Bill

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me:

No.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill:

::sigh::



------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note, weren't we cute as HELL for Halloween as Sonny and Cher?

Calabria gaming update!

It was so fun. We're on this road to Avoirdupois (my hometown, very stodgy) so I'm like not really looking forward to this at all, but I'm willing to go and try to escape the clutches of my family who may try to lock me up for being a slut. Hmmm. As if THAT'S never happened before. =P

So we're camped and this guy, obviously undead, sits by the abandoned well. He's not evil, but still the paladin doesn't like it. The sorcerer elf decides to give this undead beggar some coin and invite him to tea. (Yeah, we are reeeeeally smart some days.) I knew something was up because Carey had mentioned that she couldn't run the game without me there, and I'm the only one who follows Dionysus as a god. The undead, um beggar (performer, whatever) was wearing a symbol of Dionysus, the Jester God. So we follow the Jester, and so I think the days events have something to do with me giving some coin to the Jester in a dream I had. That tipped some balance and now the god may return. There's a huge process involved there, but I think the ball got rolling.

The undead beggar, named Frog (I have the spell Tongues which is a whole nuther story.) can't speak so he mimes that he wants us to follow him to save someone who's been poisoned. Oh yeah. Frog can't speak because he had his throat cut ear to ear, but since he's undead that doesn't make a problem. However. He can't understand us at first, and we can't cast Comprehend Language on him since it's personal range only. BUT. He can't verbally speak so it won't help either me or Sheridan (elven sorcerer) to cast CL (new spell: comprehend mime? ugh.) on ourself. So I have Tongues, which I cast on myself and so now Frog can understand me and mime back to everyone else.

We follow this guy down the trail through the woods and transverse time. We ended up 2,000 years in the past, before the stars changed and Saint Eloise brought the "Light" to the land. So we're basically back in pagan times with a mime guide and we have to complete some quest here or we're basically fucked.

There were some evil, planar crystalline weird monsters along the road and they were like T2. They changed shape and pulled apart and went back together again. There was no end to the jokes about "are you John Connors?" when Rafe hit one with a destroy with sound and it just reformed. I was asking if anyone had a tanker full of liquid nitrogen, but it wasn't looking very likely. These were some baaaaaaaaaad mothers. I pulled out all the stops (well, dogs) and cast my summon monster spell. I had three lawful good celestial dogs barking at this thing, and attacking with Smite Evil. Of course the AC on these bastards was way too high for them to hit so I had to drag out other magicks.

With Zaskin (Krueger) shooting them with his gnome musket and Gerard (Stu) charging in with Smite and lots of paladin muscle and my magic missiles and Sheridan (Cack) and his shapeshifting dire bear, and Rafe with his bardly crap, we took care of these things. Oh. And darth moll is the psionic who can't use his powers so he threw A DAGGER at it. Yeah. A DAGGER. Wooooo....scary. Look out for HIM, I tell ya.

There was a big keep ahead of us in the forest, and it was full of undead dancers and courtiers. I failed my Will save with a roll of ONE. Yeah, good thing I took that Iron Will feat. =P
We got sucked into a compulsion field that made us walk and dance. We had no control over where we went but we could move our heads and talk. So now, it was left with: I am stuck dancing with the gnome, and the paladin (HAHA) is stuck dancing with my blink bunny wizard familiar pet. Rafe the bard dances by himself, ala Billy Idol.
The sorcerer, Sheridan and the psionic, Kelvin, didn't get sucked in, but they have some kind of malevolent magic-sucking undead ghost to worry about up in the mezzanine.

We have to dance our way out. It's a puzzle, and Krueger and I think we figured it out. But first! We dance. =P

Quiz Update!

Winner of the Best Make-Out Music: Nina Simone!! (Morcheeba came up in second place.) Thank you for playing!!

NEW QUIZ BELOW! Let's see what this will show! =)

damn cold

Yeap...it's around 32 degrees out right now. Time for a winter coat, I'm thinkin.

When will it snow? Do I care? Let me consult the Tao.

"Be like water, fluid and ...." ok. done consulting.

Still don't know.

I had a very weird dream in which Lesley from work and I were in a car together and we got hijacked by hillbillies who wanted the car. This was after a very crazy off-roading experience where I thought she was going to kill us both.

Before that I was down by the seacoast, walking among the rocks and I saw an abandoned house. I got a window open but I still wasn't able to get inside. Very Blair Witch Project. I also saw an old flame around the beach parking lot, and I was talking with him for a while. I was confused because I hadn't seen him in quite a while and wondered where he'd gotten to. Hmm.

So after Lesley and I got kidnapped by hillbillies my dad showed up and so did his old friend from the military. They wanted to go fishing. Even the hillbillies got in on it. We were all fishing, or trying to. I was given just the string with a hook on the end, so I had to tie it around my body to fish. That was weird. Then I fell into the yucky lake that was covered in yucky lake goo, and my dad had to pull me out. Nobody was tossing lines in and I couldn't figure it out, but then I saw that it was some huge fishing opener and they were waiting for the signal. There were people jockying for position at the lakefront and I got tossed out of my spot. I kept having to find another place to fish. Dammit. Except the signal never came and I never caught anything.

Between the car chase/beach scene and fishing thing there was a hotel where Jason from Friday the 13th movies was killing people, but for some reason I wasn't scared of him. He wasn't after me, I suppose. Usually when I have slasher dreams they are always after me and the dreams are terrifying. Today I wasn't scared at all. What a difference!

Which Beautiful Vampiress am I?

The Temptress

You are the one who comes into people's dreams at
night to drive them mad with desire. You are
sultry, sexy, and passionate. Others find you
hypnotic. You have the sort of smoldering eyes
and bedroom glances that are the stuff of
legend.

What's so scary about you: Like sweet poison, you
are addictive and deadly.

Your gemstone: Garnet
Your moon: Rose Moon (July)


Which Beautiful Vampiress are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

the kind of love I'm in...Well DUH! ;-)

Passionate Love

Right now is when everything's really starting to
heat up. And it's hot, hot HOT. You guys are
discovering just how fun certain things can be.
;) Your love is passionate and fiery and you
always drive each other wild with desire
whenever you're together. You would do anything
for each other. This is a fun time in your
life, but it can also be a little exhausting.


What Kind of Love are You in? (Beautiful Romantic Pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I love it!

So the last thing I expect to find after waking up is a bunch of Trojans. Ha. That will never get old. But yeah - so I ran my virus program last night and it found three more of those bastards and got rid of them while I was sleeping. That means I had no less than seven viruses (virii?) running before a couple of days ago. No wonder my computer was fucking up so much.

the kind of princess I am

The Romantic Princess

You are absolutely in love with love! Charming,
romantic, and feminine are all words that
describe you. You are a huge flirt and know how
to use your feminine wiles to get your way. You
are always on the lookout for the guy who will
sweep you off your feet.

Role Models: Isolde, Juliet

You are most likely to: Free a cursed prince from a
terrible spell with a single kiss.


What Kind of Princess are You? - Beautiful Artwork
brought to you by Quizilla

chapter 3 - word count 3795/50,000

It was another crappy day in L.A. for Valerie. She woke up hungover, as usual, and Bat Boy had to sneak out once again via the neighbor's yard so the reporters didn't see him leaving. He blew her a saucy kiss as he sauntered out of her bedroom, and she waved him off with lazy hand.
In a friendly tone Bat Boy said, "Catch you later Val. I hope you get some rest."
"Bye Vic," was all she managed from under her cocoon of fluffy blankets, then she sank back into her mound of soft pillows and sighed deeply. Another day of shooting and she didn't have the lines down. Maybe she should have kept Vic around to help her with run-throughs.

With the thought of memorizing lines hanging heavily over her Valerie dragged herself out of bed and stumbled towards her cheery bungalo kitchen for a steaming cup of hot, specialty coffee. She was glad she'd picked up a quick brewing coffee machine that used pods, because she needed caffeine as fast as possible most days. Today was no different. As Valerie walked casually into her small but neat kitchen she nearly tripped over a chair that had been pulled away from the small eating area and right into her way.
"Whoa there, Nellie," she grumbled, and pushed the chair back into place. "Odd..." she thought, because she sure didn't recall anyone being in the kitchen last night, and she was always returning things to their places before she left a room.

Valerie turned on the high tech coffee machine. While it was readying the water she walked tiredly to the other side of the kitchen. She grabbed the cord to the blinds that covered the windows and pulled it up with a quick jerk to let the rays of the sun into her favorite room of the house. She loved the way the light came in, even when she was hung over and didn't enjoy much of anything. She could hear the coffee maker gurgling and went over to finish making her cup of coffee. Today was a day for a double.

Valerie decided any type of food was out of the question this morning and so she took just her coffee and went over to the small breakfast table by the window. She sat down and looked blearily out the window as she took her first sip of hot coffee. She suddenly choked and sputtered hot liquid all over the table and herself. She saw what was outside her window. Tens of hundreds of crosses, all shapes and sizes, were hanging from every limb of the ancient olive tree in her front yard. More of the crosses covered nearly every inch of her front lawn. Her mouth hung open, and Valerie just stared for what seemed like a long time before sense returned and she slowly stood up, with all thoughts of hangover and coffee forgotten.

Valerie walked outside and saw a local tv news station reporter's van first, then flashbulbs started going off all around her. There was a crowd of almost twenty reporters and photographers ensconced in her short paved driveway. She was glad her flowers were already dead or she'd have been really ticked at the people trampling about in the flowerbeds.
"Valerie! Do you have any explanation for the crosses in your tree and yard?" said one reporter with microphone in hand.
"Hey Val!" another yelled out, "What's going on? Did you find religion last night? Looks like it found you!"
Valerie took another look around, then without a word went back inside to call the police. Within minutes Valerie had two of L.A.'s Finest at her house taking notes and asking questions. So many photographers were outside her house that she ended up closing all her blinds again and she sat in the darkened kitchen. The police left after taking some photos of their own and taking her statement and told Valerie to let them know if something else like this happened again. They didn't have much to go on since there didn't seem to be any witnesses to the strange decorating. The lead officer, an older no-nonsense woman simply referred to by the others as Darcy, decided it was probably an early Halloween prank.

Valerie sat alone in her kitchen and sipped the cold cup of coffee. Hot or cold, it was still caffeine. After awhile her mother showed up. She kept the coffee hot and bustled around the house while Valerie got ready for work tried to think of any reason someone would do such an odd thing to her tree and yard. She let her mother help with the run-throughs and then she headed off to the studio where her latest show was being taped. She normally didn't have much trouble getting around town unnoticed, but today she nearly had a whole caravan of pushy, fast-driving reporters follow her. She could have easily outrun them in the car she drove, a worn Mustang convertible she got from her parents when she'd graduated from Stanford. Valerie had better things to do than get a speeding ticket in Studio City, so she endured the line of cars that followed her every move. At the gates of the studio the reporters fell back, and she went to work.

Nobody at the studio, it seemed, had seen the morning newspapers, so Valerie didn't have to field any questions about the weird prank that had been her morning surprise. She spent all day rehearsing with the rest of the cast. Everything seemed to go well which was good because Valerie was in a semi-dazed state and just wanted to go home and sleep this weird day off.
When she was leaving to go to her car one of her co-stars, a woman who played her best friend on the show, came up and gave her a sympathetic look. "Val, how are you holding up? I saw the papers over lunch."
Valerie shook her head. "I'm fine, really. It was just a prank I'm sure."
"Please don't hesitate to call if you want to talk or just need a friend." the woman said, and gave Valerie a hug.
"Thank you, I'll keep that in mind." Valerie said with a smile, and headed back to her car.

When Valerie returned home it was early evening, and all the crucifixes had been removed from her yard. She thought that her mother had probably called someone in to remove them. Again Valerie wondered just who would do something so odd, and why. It just made no sense. She wasn't religious by any standard, and didn't know of any reason for the lawn decorations.

Once home she drank some wine and had a long soak in her bathtub to erase the day's stress. Then she dressed in her oldest, most comfortable yoga pants and tee shirt and decided her day had been long enough. It was time for bed. As her head hit the pillow, she closed her eyes and sighed.
"What a day," she thought, and drifted off to sleep almost immediately.

chapter two, 2451/50,000

Another place, one hundred years ago...

Her breath came in gasps. She ran down the length of the alley, checking behind her every few seconds. Was he behind her? Was that him? No! Run faster! As she turned a corner she ran smack into a group of women walking together with Holy Bibles in hands.
"Oh! Excuse me!" she said as she collided with one of the women. The startled woman looked at her torn, battered appearance as well as the manly trousers she was wearing and jumped backwards, hitting another woman who was walking behind her.
"Look here, Dearie, what's going on?" the woman said, and put a hand out to the girl.
"No time, I'm sorry to have disturbed!" she said, and quickly darted around the group of women. She glanced over her shoulder as she started to run and saw a dark shape coalescing from the shadows not far from the mouth of the alley.
"Damnation!" she growled, and sprinted faster. The churchified women would be safe enough, she supposed. It's not like she would make them any safer by leading her attacker back to them. She ran on.

She ran faster down side streets until she came to a wharf. "Water is good," she thought, as she looked down the length of piers lining the water's edge. She saw every kind of water conveyance, from the smallest fisherman's dinghy to large seagoing vessels, tied to many of the piers. "What to do, where to go?" she murmured to herself, careful to stay in shadows and out of sight of the more unsavory dock types.

She couldn't afford to slow down now, because she needed a hiding place until dawn came. She saw an unattended small dinghy tied to the end of a weathered pier. It was late, and no one was going to see her. She approached the water stealthily and as quietly as possible she untied the small boat and hopped inside. There wasn't anything in the dinghy besides a couple of rudimentary oars and a lot of fish scales scattered about. She also saw some old tangled netting in the corner of the boat.
"I supposed that'll do for a pillow," she thought, and pushed off into the black water, unlit by any moon in the night sky. She silently took an oar and pushed away from the dock, trying hard to not alert anyone nearby that she was borrowing a boat.
She chuckled softly. "Borrowing. Well I'll do my best to return this tomorrow, my unknown fisherman friend."
She got out into the water a short distance before taking up the other oar and rowing hard into the center of the river.
"Got to keep moving, old girl, you can do it," came her inner voice she'd come to know only as very astute intuition. That voice inside had kept her alive in more situations than she could account for. Every one of those times she'd wanted to give up and just let the chips fall, the voice would poke and prod and annoy her generally until she found the gumption to keep going.
So she kept rowing until she was certain she was far enough away from detection by anyone. She didn't see any other boats on the water; it was too late for that. The only people out would probably be unsavoury types anyway who she'd avoid at any cost.

As she rowed farther and farther away from the docks she could sense something far away in the darkness. Fear started niggling at her spine, and tingling down her chilly uncovered arms. Through the darkness and fog she sensed something bigger than life and scarier than the pits of Hell she had learned about in the cloister where she'd spent most of her young life.
"Oh, what the Sisters would think of me now," she mused silently as she kept rowing. "In a man's trousers and running about alone at night."
Her thoughts and memories were all she'd have now, since she had wrought such destruction on her one-time home in the abbey. She fought back the sudden tears as she remembered the slaughter that had occurred because of her. "No, musn't think of that now, old girl," the inner voice gently chastised.
Yes, of course the voice was right once again. If she was going to survive this night then she'd need all her wits about her. She shook off old memories and concentrated on rowing.

She rowed until she no longer saw the lights of the town shine quite so brightly, and ahead there were only long grasses and willows along the water's edge. The moon was high in the sky as she found a small inlet with a large tree overhanging the water. She rowed the boat up to the shore and used the oars to get up near the large roots of the tree, where she tied up the boat. She was exhausted from rowing, but felt safer away from the evil presence that had been following her in the city and down near the docks.
She arranged the netting into a sort of pillow and lay down in the prow of the small fishing boat. She curled up as much into a ball as she could, put her arms around herself for warmth, and thanked some lucky star that it was warm in this part of the country. She slept, and dreamed of a comforting place she had been, safe in the arms of Mother Church.

...the quiet stillness of the main hall was broken by the sound of screams...she ran down the hallway from her room to see what was happening...she couldn't run fast enough, my God, what was happening, and why were they screaming? ...as she ran into the main hall she saw it. Him. He was monstrous, what in dear Heaven was going on...the poor Sisters...the blood, oh the Blood...run...save them! One by one he was dragging them to him, and tearing open their necks...with his teeth? Oh, dear sweet Heaven, the Sisters, no!
As she ran into the hall he paused in the middle of killing Sister Marguerite and looked up right into her eyes.
"My child...I have come for you," he said in a booming voice, both in her ears and in her head.
She screamed, and turned to run.
Faster than she could fathom he was directly in front of her, looking larger than life and horrifyingly calm. He took her by the arms and halted her flight. "My lovely daughter, why do you run? I am here to bequeath your destiny upon you."
She could no longer speak than she could run while in his grip. She looked into his eyes and saw familiarity there, although she was quite sure she'd never seen this monster before in her life. She did the next best thing. She fainted.

fucked up

So there i was, innocently having some pretzel with some gamer dude and his friend, and waiting for my actual friends to come back around, and pinned to Guy #1's shirt is his name and underneath it says "player." Well duh - it's a gaming convention. So like I don't know these guys too well so I thought I'd make a joke.
"So, Guy #1, you're a play-ah..." as I'm pointing to his tag. By the by I also have a tag that says exactly what his says. Only mine says Shelley and not Guy #1.
He looks awfully confused, and is like, "what?" so I point to his tag again.
"Play-ah..." and I smiled to let him know it was, you know, ok to I don't know, smile back? So he responded with "No, I actually don't have any Negro blood at all. I'm 100% white boy (maybe he said cracker, I don't know, I was already in offense mode as soon as I heard Negro.)
Me: "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
Him: "I'm not Negro, so I can't be a player."
Me: "That's what I thought you said."
Guy #2: Blank looks all around.

So just then my friend came back and we uh, moved on. Later, after my other friend showed up we had some lunch, and during that lunch a fan came up to us and wanted his shirt signed by the artist at the table (friend #1). John is such a nice guy and is always willing to do whatever for a fan, so he listened to this guy's story and signed his shirt and we all enjoyed the moment.
The shirt was signed: "Fear this Shirt! Seriously!"
So then this fan (I'll just say he was overweight) leaves, and Guy#1 and #2 cut him up for being fat. Now I realize he was fairly gi-normous but jesus christ! He came all the way to the top floor and to the very back of the restaurant to find us. Great effort on the part of a fan, and these assholes are going to make fun of him?

Guy#1 - Dick.
Guy#2 - Not quite as big a Dick, but he sure was laughin pretty hard at this guy who only wanted a goddamn signature to show his girlfriend who'd bought him the shirt in the first place.

Mean people suck donkey dick. Fucking Chicago assholes.

metallica??

ok who the fuck picked Metallica!? That was in there for a joke.

added a quiz

I like it. I can make whatever I want. This time it's about make out music. Dory and I were discussing how good or bad different make out music was; a lot of it sucks hugely if it makes you laugh, like Barry White. I have seriously FADING memories of the MW dancing around the Union to Barry. Was I um, supposed to find it sexy? I laughed my ass off.

numb ass

so like, yeah I'm gonna try this novel thing but jesus CHRIST my ass is numb from sitting here for so long. I'm gonna have to find a little alarm that says BEEP beep, shelley get up and stretch before you lose all feeling in your nethers. At least I have a freshly-cleaned Senseo that I ran vinegar through this morning. My coffee will be good and fast. And plentiful. With luck, that is.

Of course - the novel is gonna be CRAP - but hell, as long as my word count is high I don't give a ratfuck.

UPDATED chapter 1, word count 1,446/50,000

The crisp morning air smelled like the apples not far off in the orchard near the chaise where Valerie sat enjoying the sunrise with her cat, Dolly, snuggled up next to her hip. The early sun's rays slowly moved up her body as the giant ball of flame rose in the East, warming her legs and easing the chill of the past night.
To Valerie's left was a small table with steaming coffee and scones awaiting her. Dolly purred as Valerie idly stroked her fur, then reached past for some of that coffee. "Mmm..." she said as she took that first sip. Just what the doctor ordered. Nothing better than hot coffee after a crazy night like the last one had been.
Not that she could remember of course, exactly what had transpired. She was quite certain, though, that she wasn't going relive any memories just yet. It was too nice just sitting and feeling the sun with a purring furball to make her feel warm, loved, and alive.

Valerie always prided herself on being easygoing and good-natured, even in the face of major adversity, or when things tended to catch fire or explode when she was nearby. All her life she had wondered why she was seemingly cursed. It was as a young child that Valerie found out she was adopted. Her adoptive parents didn't know anything about Valerie's birth mother or father. When young Valerie had asked where they were and why they had given her up, her parents told her that she was very special and it didn't matter from where she had come or why she was chosen for them, but only that she was special, and loved. For this reason Valerie didn't push to find her birth family.

Once when Valerie was young she had snooped through her parents' files in the basement and found a file just marked "V. Arditi." Her natural curiosity won out over any fear that her parents would feel angry that she was snooping. She opened the file, and found many things, one of which appeared to be her birth certificate. The hospital was a local one, and the doctor was the same one she currently saw for all of her medical visits. There was only a blank space where her mother should have been listed, and the space for father was also blank. The birthday was correct, November thirtieth, nineteen sixty-eight. Valerie had thought the whole thing was strange but had she asked then her parents would know she was looking around where she shouldn't.

She had never found out any more information than what was in the folder in the basement. Her parents either never found the right moment, or had no interest in explaining things. At any rate, Valerie had quite a happy childhood, and when her career in television took off at the age of eight she never had any free time to wonder further about her natural parents.
"Come to think of it, what did happen last night?" she wondered, and a thinking divot appeared on her forehead. Valerie looked down at Dolly and remembered that she didn't own a cat. "Well isn't that something," she mused as she continued to pet the creature.
Dolly looked up and flashed a feral grin at Valerie, and in a low, growling voice said, " Took you awhile, didn't it?" Valerie made a short, loud squeak, and bounded up from the chaise, knocking cat, coffee, and chair all over the lawn.

"Wh..who are you?! Or, what are you!" Valerie stammered out as she backed away slowly from what appeared to be a talking feline. Dolly had fallen as cats fall, landing half on her feet and half on her back. She quickly jumped to her paws and shook herself all over, finishing with her head, giving her ears a flick, and all the while looking at Valerie with a cat glare.

"Why'd you have to go and do that now, Valerie Arditi?" Valerie kept backing up across the lawn while she half shook her head in disbelief. She stared at Dolly with wide eyes, as the cat hopped over the disturbed coffee scene and started to pad towards her. Valerie held her hands out in front of her body and waved them around a bit.

"You...you just stay back, cur. I have mace, someplace!" Dolly just snickered.
"Cur?" the cat gave the equivalent of a snort. "It's been some time since I heard that one, Mistress. You must be channeling a former soul from a time when I came to save you as well."
"Save me? From what?"
"As your protector, I would guess from whatever might cause you harm."
Valerie stopped backing away to get herself together. She looked around her grassy yard to see if there was anyone with a camera hiding in the bushes or hanging behind a tree taking snapshots. As a cast member of the number one-rated television series on a popular network, she could scarce afford anything bizarro getting published in the National Enquirer or any of the other news rags. That had gotten her in enough trouble over the years.

Valerie Ardito had long since become a household name and a common face on TV Guide magazine. She had starred in multiple television shows and made for tv movies by the time she was eight years old. Valerie was known for her eccentric behavior on and off the set, with many speculations that she was a witch, devil worshipper, or space alien. Since witches, devil worshippers, and space aliens are fairly common occurrences in Hollywood, she fit right in.

Over the years Valerie's oddities became commonplace enough, but that didn't mean she wanted to stoke the fires and get herself on the front page again with the header, "TV Star Elopes With Bat Boy, Again." God knows she had enough of a problem explaining it the first time. Besides, Bat Boy had become a very well known cover model himself, after a bit of cosmetic surgery. And Valerie was a fool for a pretty face.

Valerie always had a hell of time with Bat Boy, also known as Victor Zora (stage name, of course). When the margaritas began to flow and the tequila shots stayed plentiful Victor and Valerie became the best of friends. They had actually tried to elope more than once, but her publicist always showed up just in time with the Sober Wagon and stopped the pair from getting legal in Las Vegas.

It was always fun for Valerie to see how far her publicist would let her go before pulling in the reins.
Valerie was known to be eccentric, but quick on the draw. "Ok, Doll Face, what exactly are you doing here, and how is it that you can speak?"
She had a second to consider that cats really can roll their eyes, then Dolly spoke.

"That's Dolly, Mistress, if you'd be so kind as to respect the moniker I've chosen this time around. To answer your question, I'm here to protect you, and as your spirit animal, I've taken the form of a cat. I can speak because I've spent millenia in different forms, experimenting with speech and other abilities. You'd totally flip if you saw what I can do with a falafel while in camel form." Dolly made the approximation of a belly laugh, and sat down. She started licking her paws as Valerie moved to stand in front of her.

Valerie crouched down in front of the cat and sort of squinted at her to get a better look. Then she said,"How is it that I've never seen you before? Wouldn't you think I'd know if I had an animal spirit?"
Dolly replied, "Up until last night I was inside you, with your soul, since the day you were born."
Valerie furrowed her brow and said, "Last night? I can't even remember last night!"

"And you won't remember until you are ready to accept that you are a spiritual being with ties to the Otherworld. Ties that are going to have you in danger soon enough." With that, Dolly jumped up and bounded off towards Valerie's back door, which swung silently open for the cat to walk into, then just as silently swung closed after her.

Valerie stood up again and put a hand to her forehead. "I must have really tied one on last night, because I don't even like cats, and now I've got one talking to me and predicting the future with dire warnings!"
She went about righting her chaise, setting the table back up and went in for more coffee.

let the games begin!

distraction and suckage

So is this going to be another wasted month? Am I going to get anywhere on anything besides keeping my head above water?? I feel like a spaniel treading towards something..but god knows what.
Last night I had to work all night - and yet I don't feel like I helped anything - I was just another body filling space. I'm a cog in a machine, replaceable and useless alone.
I could just be really freakin tired, but I don't think that's it. What the heck does my life mean? I work, I hang out with friends, I dodge Irish bill collectors. The high point of my day seems to be my significant other. What am I doing? Do most people have goals for their lives? I know I'm not the only one on that hampster wheel. I'm so stressed out all the time, worrying about not doing everything I need to do - but what the hell else is there? I don't have any higher purpose, I don't even think I've have the TIME to worry about a higher purpose. I just keep on keepin on and hope I don't sink. I hate feeling like this!
When does everything start to have any meaning?? And why does it matter? I'm still on that wheel - is my entire life about distracting myself from the black hole that awaits us all? Distraction. From emptiness. Treading water. For the rest of my fucking life?? I suppose I could get myself a drug that makes it all seem better - did that for a long time. Yeah - numb all my feelings so that I *think* nothing's wrong. Of course then nothing is enjoyable either. I don't want that tradeoff.
I know that my life has some sort of meaning. I just don't know what it is. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much.

and the beat goes on...

So Bill and I were Sonny and Cher for Halloween. *Early* Sonny and Cher. Except maybe not as early as this pic because Bill had the trademark mustache. I think we were going for Caesar and Cleo days. Anyway it was great and Bill's ass looked really good in his black jeans. Hey that's all I need. ;-) My boots were knee highs and about a three inch heel, and I wore them to work for four hours before the Halloween party - and I could describe the agony but that would only put you off your feed for a month.

I hope we win the contest at work - but I won't know for a week. I thought we were pretty awesome looking. =)

Anyway - if we don't, then...

cause Michiel & FM did it - !

Fun at the Titty Twister.


Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

die rolling for fun and profit!

Yeah well we were in Calabria tonight, and Carey had us immediately clean off the erasable gaming map and get chits ready to represent. Yo.

So that was exciting because everything would indicate some sort of melee engagement needing a marching order.

Carey: set a marching order everyone!

*grins all round cause we know what's coming*

Carey: No, really! No reason at all! It's just good to have a clear space and defined order, really!

*snickers*

Cack: I'm casting a spell.

Carey: All right! That sounds like initiative to me, Roll It!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And so it began. Wounded guy on side of road - doesn't want a heal....Hmm....turns down a Pally heal and won't let the Claire Witch tend his wounds? Would that be because...um....he's maybe faking?? So the Pally does a detect evil and voila! Senior Not-So-Wounded was evil. I say was because well, we killed him. Well, no, not us exactly - but Cack's shapeshifting Familiar, Ezelon, turned into a huge dire bear and ate him. She's actually quite lawful and good, but she hates liars and this guy was totally full of shit. It's really too bad that Cack ended up whacking the pregnant girlfriend too - but they were shooting repeating crossbows at us every couple of rounds!! They fucking SHOT my servant's mount. Anyone who shoots a horse gets it.

I actually whacked two banditos in one spell, Ice Storm. Wow, nice. First time I've gotten to use it, and the bardly one Rafe was trying to KS me when I picked up five six-siders and started to roll them around in my hands. He saw the amount of damage I was going to inflict within a 20 ft. radius (basically 40 feet wide and 40 feet high of pelting massive ice chunks) and he just stepped back and held action. My spell was instantaneous and again, voila! The Claire Witch had taken out two for one and added banditos to her list of kills.

OMG - Prince Kelvin went and picked a fight with a half-orc fighter with a magical falchion, and just about bit the big one. After I finished off the two on my side of the fight I went over to help him out. He was poisoned and taking lots of damage on the front and back swings - how'd he get poisoned? Well hell - he's the prince, he's poisoned like every other freaking day by someone with a claim to the throne. So I hit the half-orc with some Magic Missiles - which is just super cool right now because I have a caster level of 7 Wizard, even though I don't have the practical levels to back that up. That means the missiles keep adding up even though I'm in a prestige class and not taking Wizard anymore. Right now I have four at a time, and they are 1d4 + 1 damage each missile. And they don't miss. Ever.

We didn't end up killing the half -orc, but I did um..bewilder and awe the half orc into submission using my Allure mesmerization spell-like ability. I can turn it on or off at will, and if a person makes their Will save then they are immune to my flowery freshness for 24 hours. I mesmerized most of the group but smacked them out of it. If I give them any damage whatsoever then they do snap out of it, and are immune for that 24 hours. I end up slapping people alot because my levels increase and that spell gets super hard to resist.

We killed most of the banditos and sent the bardly one and the roguely one to go check out the hideout. The ones we missed had already gone back and thus we missed them again, and did not get loot. The half orc is on a mission to redeem himself and get his weapon back (jesus, one point would have killed him off, what a waste of space) ~ and the Prince Kelvin was really really fucked when he cast a Psionic power. All of his powers started going off randomly and he was in information overload. The poison was the culprit and it ended up that he had a sword that was rigged to let some kind of weird psionic poison out through the hilt when a person was fighting. He got quite the dose. We figured it out and fixed him. I think.

Basically our entire night was fighting bandits on the road and then figuring out was the fuck was wrong with Kelvin. Well, what *else* was wrong with Kelvin. =P ha.

in The Fray's dressing room after the show

...from an email re: Ben Folds' opening act...

::big long toke::

"Fuck."

"Dude, what".

"It's us. Ben's singing about us."

"What do you mean?"

"...*we* are Rocking the Suburbs."

::big long toke::

::big long toke::

"...Fuck."

braless with ben folds

stardate: 10.26.2005. madison, wi - orpheum theater...ben folds!! holy mother of gawd that was a great show. I waited almost 2 hours in the cold to get a good spot in line and ended up in the front row. Well, that was good and bad because Bill and I got squashed up against our seats by the giant crowd in front of the stage. Oh who gives a fuck! He saw me. I'm thinkin it was my Rock This Bitch shirt. hehe. Some girl behind me said, "oh my god! he just smiled at that girl that's wearing his shirt!!" And boy- did he ever. He was at his piano, like TWENTY feet away, he turned his head to look at the crowd, saw me smiling at him, and just GRINNED this shit eating grin. I thought I might die on the spot!
He fucking rocked the house down. He came out at the beginning of the show and played "jesusland" in this weird, short style, kind of harsh, like "fuck you" really fast, then he stood up and said "goodnight Milwaukee!" and walked offstage! HAHAHAHA! After a while he and the band came back out and started the show- but that was funny.

Along with a lot of new ones off Songs for Silverman he played some real favorites. Brick, Army, Philosophy, and omg he did Bitches Ain't Shit as well...HAHAHA! He had the crowd sing along (not like he could stop them, the whole place was singing) and that was just too damn funny. "nothing but ho's and tricks" and I knew there was some mother behind us that brought her kid, and I was wondering what she was thinking about all that. Ben didn't do Rock This Bitch - but he did do Rockin the Suburbs (makes me wanna say.........FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!), and Narcolepsy sounded great.

He also did Not the Same, as well as Still Fighting It, and the Ascent of Stan, which I'd never heard, but there ya go- it was great. He sang Underground and people went completely apeshit! He did this KICKASS version of Landed, too. He tossed in All You Can Eat (they give no fuck! hehe) and Gone sounded really good - and for a lot of the songs he had these massive endings where you see he was pounding the keyboard like a madman, really working hard. He was definitely *not* phoning it in to last night's show. He did say also that he likes playing Madison- and I can see why- the crowd was totally fucking *there* and singing every song, and really getting into what he does.

There were a few times when he lost his voice and after one time he got up like he was just done - haha but the other 99% of the singing was awesome. He was really giving his all and jammed out on the pian-er like he meant it. What a fucking great show. And I kept wishing Michiel was there.

Ben tonight!!

BEN TONIGHT! Wah HOOOOOOOO!

how cool

is this? Gaming. Sunday. Calabria. The plan was for us to start on our journey (finally, my GOD) to Avoirdupois lands, specifically Chalon du Saludre. My character Claire comes from a small island off the coast of Avoirdupois, and it's referred to as the Porter du Soleil. Nobility, of course. Stodgy, well yeah. Religious? Very much. Even more than the bulk of the continent. HAHA I said bulk and continent...ok potty humor aside.
So Claire's been going nuts. Epitome of first year college girl away from home, party down, etc. But in her case it's worse. She's been shagging halflings for fuck's sake! And the dark prince. And Elves! Bardly, studly elves, but that's just a bonus. Ok. So Claire will be dragged away and beaten, imprisoned, etc...for her "own" sake if she ever goes home again. What to do....what to do....
Get engaged to the prince and let his name protect you! Let's see em touch her now. So Lady *cough* Claire du Marchand is going home...engaged to royalty and completely ruined in the eyes of her family. I sent a letter home and got a response from my puir sweet muther....disowning my ass! Ok, she just said don't bring shame down on the family by stopping by. She laid it on pretty thickly and I was just very stunned listening. heheh! Response?? Hell yeah!
"Dearest Mother,
My heart hath been rent in two...
(from the peanut gallery: "Twain! twain sounds better!")
My heart hath been rent in twain....I am overcome with sadness and grief that you should feel this way...BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Ok insert a bunch of crapola like that - I dun remember too well cause I was laughing way too hard. It was a letter to share with her how ...sad...I was going to be ....all alone in the royal chambers....a lonely princess...how I would have to console myself with jewels....cry into my gleaming bejeweled cup as I mourn the loss of my poor, poor, noble family...and turn to the arms of the nation's beloved Prince Vittorio...How I was going to be just a mess as I tried to embrace my new life with the royal family...

Man. With our crowd of peanut gallery and hecklers that was fucking hilarious. I could barely finish because I was short of breath from just laughing like a hyena!! We all had a really good time with that. Carey is genius with her ideas about Claire and her uptight family. Oh yeah! Her mother was also on about Anu (their god) and how disappointed he was with me, and how I have abandoned my faith, and yadda yadda yadda - high-larious. Well, Anu's house was empty. I've been entertained by no less than four gods in the past year, and I'm pretty sure Claire's going to side with the Jester, aka Dionysus. He's chaotic neutral so that should work well. Claire actually gave him an offering in the last dreamscape - so I think she's on the road to having a god. And he *did* warn her about the nasty god who was trying to tempt her with fun skills and abilities and in the past had his followers capture, torture, rape, and skin alive young children. No reason she'd do that if she was a follower, that's just his past. But holy fuck! She's neutral good -no way she's gonna follow an evil god. No matter how cool the Darkvision was as a human. =P

That was so much fun with that letter from & to Claire's poooooor mother. Cry cry...Dig dig...Cry cry...Dig dig...and in the middle: Roar with Laughter!

I got my action point. =D (point awarded for completing the personality feat that game session) My feat is Comic Relief. heheh! That's funny because the Jester *requires* a person with that feat to set him free upon the world of Calabria once again. well, and an item worth 15,000 gold. OUCH! Claire's had up to 14K+ so far, but that was accidental and she ended up buying an entire freaking HOUSE and land with that. I suppose she could solicit more funds from the DeLonghi family for "spell research" but that would be dishonest. Hmmmmm *grin* They don't need the money for much - and 15K gold to a DeLonghi? Well shit, they handed over 4K gold to me just last week without a quibble. food for thought.

god DAMN it.

So I found out what the heck happened during my surgery. I saw my doctor today and he pronounced me "fine" and said I "did well" but they couldn't really do the second atrial lead because I was very uncomfortable and apprehensive during the procedure. So what, I asked, does that mean that I freaked out? Cause I don't remember a thing beyond that plastic drape going over my face. Dr. Vic said that he came up incased in lead for the x-rays and apparently (this is just what he says, you can't prove a thing) I was intimidated by him and compared him to a storm trooper. I laughed about that when he said it because it sounds like something I'd say but I don't think I'd be scared, you know?? I was drugged and making jokes, it sounds like. So that's all Vic had to say, but how would that make them not be able to do a procedure??
Another thing he said was that they removed scar tissue from my heart where the original lead is attached. Usually they don't see that in older people, and in my case because I'm so young the thing healed over and was probably headed for impedance. He was not concerned by that because it just indicates I heal well. Also, my incision is almost completely healed and he removed the rest of the bandages.

Ok. I sensed a coverup someplace. When Vic left the room I grabbed my folder and looked for some further info. Well goddamn. According to the notes there was severe difficulty putting me under. I didn't respond to really high doses of two different kinds of medication, and I was awake and crying and feeling the surgery. The lidocaine didn't numb me up I guess and I felt it all. Or said I was feeling it, anyway. I also was having issues with the plastic over my face and said I was claustrophobic. Apparently at some point I had enough and was trying to get up and out. So there was danger with them trying to attach a lead because I was thrashing around, in pain, and apparently panicking about being smothered.

So that's what Vic couldn't (wouldn't) tell me? That I panicked and they couldn't drug me sufficiently? Why not just explain that from the start? He did say that in future any procedures they do will be under general anesthesia instead of the sedation method. Well holy fuck I TOLD them that in the operating room - that they were better off knocking me out!! I don't remember anything so their "forgetting" drugs work. But if they couldn't even *do* the whole procedure because I'm not doped up enough and am in full panic mode then there's a problem with their choice of dope.

No wonder I was so sick from the drugs. They used way more than they would've normally, and that's just stupid. I'm so pissed.