sibling rivalry

jesus god.

so I called my sister julie tonight and spoke with her because she's in a hospital in minneapolis, near death apparently, according to my other sister tina.

well first, she is pretty near death, but she's not gonna go soon, so I don't feel any compulsion to ruin my weekend and go see her. she's stable, at least. she's got serious problems with her heart and lungs. calcium deposited on her heart, and she had 4 liters of fluid on her lungs. they went in and took both off and she can breathe now. still, what's the fucking point. god what a sorry sack. her life is a train wreck and I was embarrassed for her. besides her health she was talking about having to go to court to be evicted twice in two weeks, how her husband won't get a job and totalled the car, her daughter is a juvenile delinquent and her ex-husband and mother in law are going to jail for kidnapping one of her daughters over veteran's day weekend and taking her to texas. I guess julie's daughter called a cousin all freaked out and through the cousin they were able to contact my sister (who has no phone) and she called the police and got her daughter back. she lives in the country (renting a house) but has no job and no car and no public transport to get to town. she's stranded with a loser husband and two kids and a few dogs, and she's at death's door on top of it with no help. to her credit she didn't ask me for anything, but I could tell she was feeling me out. julie's got another daughter who is in college in moorhead, minnesota, with excellent grades, a great fiance, and a good future in psychology. I don't know how my sister kicked that one out - not by example I can tell you that.

on the other front my sister tina is crazier than ever according to julie. not only does she still have the same issues over which I stopped contacting her years ago, but she's worse. julie made the mistake of bringing a thermos of coffee over to tina's and it says coca-cola on it. well holy jeez they are supportive of faggots, how could julie bring that symbol of all that is unholy into tina's house?! so tina had said she is active in "the church" so julie clarified that tina is just finding more reasons to be crazy. her daughter alysha has crohn's disease. like me. like julie. she was diagnosed about a week ago and is pretty fucking miserable. poor kid. she's in college and moving out on her own soon because, well, her mother is psychotic. tina's other daughter kara is pretty messed up as well. tina made it sound pretty bad the other night to me, but julie didn't really contradict anything. julie also didn't mention tina's other son mathew, but seeing as he's a male and in that family the males stick together, he could be with his addict father or somesuch. one never knows. it's odd, actually now that I think about it, that neither one mentioned tina's son. he's right between alysha and kara, so probably around 18 or so? Hm.

I think I'm doing allright here in madison and I'm not going to make any great effort to contact any of my family, even after they have left multiple messages today when I was at work. I totally don't want to get sucked in to that dysfunction. how the hell everyone ended up so fucked up is really beyond me. julie was okay before she met her husband, even if she always needed someone to bail her out. tina I gave up on years ago and I am pretty much fine with that. I can't deal with a homophobic psychopathic bitch. my brother is a whole nuther story that I can't really go into. suffice it to say he's not a good person, and I really can't get involved there either, no matter how many times I read the fucking courage to heal.

sometimes it's better to make one's own family. my dad's great, even though he emailed me a retard joke today. I think he thinks it's um...relevant or something. whatthefuckevah.

I listened to julie tonight and I just kept thinking: how? how does this happen? was it always like this? what if it was, anyway. did I even notice? was I like that? jesus christ I hope not. I was hoping when I talked to julie that I would hear good news, even a little bit. call me a fucking optimist (perish that thought motherfucker), but I was hoping for some kernel of goodness in the quagmire of my sibling relations. we can't all be that fucked up, can we? shit.

they can, apparently. maybe there's hope for heather. she never knew this side of things.

shit. there I go again being optimistic.

well shoot me.

happy fucking birthday to me.