just kind of peeved.

music: INeverLearnedToWashMyself by Flaterectomy
mood: peeved

In the past I have found that blogging really stopped me from spilling all my guts to those around me, and boring them to the point where I had to supply caffeine in large amounts to any and all I was speaking with. I really don't like to........hold on, smoke break.
Too many fucking seeds, as usual... =P
Ok! So normally I'd try to put as much here as I could to PRESERVE the people around me. so what the fuck? It's not working any more. I don't have any reason to feel so self-conscious ---ok. side note: unself-conscious. is there a stupider word, like ever? Am I even spelling that right? Who cares.

I just have felt a certain...(urge to kill that moth flying around my monitor) hesitancy when I write now- because I know people are reading it. That is not okay. What about when I write another book? People are gonna read that TOO. I have to get past this. I'm actually glad to have the knowledge that people are reading what I'm writing and actually identifying with some of it.
It's like that episode of Sex and the City with the dermatologist dirty talker...ROFL! Some guy will be all talkative about everything in the sack, then want you to reciprocate. I laughed my ass off at that episode. He's all like: "yeah, I like to kiss your hot sexy blah blah blah sex talk... do you like that?" and she's like "um...Sure!" "you bet!" So then he says to her something like "tell me what you like me to do," and she can't say anything! So she stammers out something like..."Well I like it when you do that..." and he says: "what?" and she says: "That!" and he says "what exactly?" and she says "what you're doing!" I was falling on the floor at that one.

I can totally identify with that whole scene. The pressure to reciprocate when your brain is not on duty in the first place- to come up with something that is supposed to sound not so much good, but not lame, on the spot. Wasn't happenin' in the 8th grade speech competitions, isn't happenin' now. I don't mean to say that the 8th grade me is somewhere trapped inside, waiting for twinkies, (my 31-year old self don't like twinkies) - but I guess the feeling of being on the spot never really feels that great when your mind's a blank.

Besides which, (is that even a real phrase? doesn't make sense to me.)
Ok, besides...what if you really *do* want something in particular? Getting over the hump (pardon the expression) and just saying it out loud???? That's really daunting! I know the power of speech, and i GET IT that it can be a real turn on when someone's speakin they mind in betweens those sheets. But like, what if you were to say the wrong thing? Sound like an idiot? Yeah. Again with the Sex and the City. She ends up sticking to the basics: "rock hard blah blah blah" and ends it with "you like my finger yadda yadda..." and the dermatologist freaks and they break up. =P
I guess that's a factor.

Wow- 15 minutes ago I had a point. I guess I will again someday.

goooood mornin', good mornin'!

music: Shirley Horn - The Music That Makes Me Dance
mood: upbeat

Man I love this song..."I know that he's near by the thunder I hear in advance." That just says it all, doesn't it? I get all wiggy and jiggy when I hear these old tunes (this is from Funny Girl)...and Shirley is just so smoooooooooove. She's got Branford and Wynton Marsalis both on this album, as well as Miles Davis - the whole thing is so well done. I think I've heard this about 8 times in the past 3 days, and I am perfectly ok with hearing it about 8 times more.

Well my day's off to a rollicking start...yummy Senseo and Shirley Horn. Things can only go down from here.

mc or visa?

so there I was, waiting for laundry to dry and browsing the web for male hookers. Yeah. I had innocently (yes!) wanted to link a funny site to my last blog, and I came up with sites where you can just browse for escorts. I thought I'd check out *how* people advertise themselves. They pay for space on the website, and put up pictures, bios, size information, whatnot. They give email addresses and pager/phone numbers- and apparently it works for em. I was reading an article where a woman earned over $200k a year, working only 2 days per week. The interviewer had to pay her $500 just to talk to her. Heh. Anyway it was an interesting thing to see.

give me liberty or give me...

freakin william wallace is at it again. I should have named him that instead of Salmonella. He's been freaking out the cats all morning. After Mojo was in my face meowing and wouldn't let me be, I heard something in the living room. I thought it was Xerox, except that he's sitting right there next to the Moj-Meister. That can only mean one thing. Ah crap- the turtle's trying to escape again.
Boy, he was really going for it, too. He had the goldfish cornered on the shallow end of the terrarium, and was throwing himself bodily at the corners of the tank, making an awful racket. No wonder the cats were freaked. I didn't do anything about it, cause well, he'll get tired eventually. I fed the cats so they'd have something to occupy them until their pea-sized brains forget they were scared.
I wish I knew something more to keep my turtle more occupied so he doesn't feel like Anne Frank. I can just see it now: "Salmonella Memoirs"...the tale of a turtle confined for life in spacious living quarters with lots of fish for company and food for munching, yet...not happy!!
bah. I dunno what else the damn thing expects. I'm *not* picking up chicks for him. He's *so* on his own in that department. =P

did someone switch my decaf for the real deal?

music: Be Cool Soundtrack
mood: perplexed, with a hint of incredulity

I feel like I've been poleaxed. I got this email and it's...poetry. I'm sitting here, shaking my head, and I'm having trouble. It was a great poem, not disgustingly mushy. That's not the problem. The crux is that things with Bill are going so well that I'm getting nervous and suspicious.

I don't know if I'm afraid of things failing or succeeding...I can't take anything back, and I don't want to. I need to exorcise any shit I'm dragging around that causes me to question every opportunity for happiness, or next I'll be sabotaging myself. I've rarely been as happy as I've been the past month. I want things to continue on the way they have since I jumped back in the pool...I'm just finding out how deep the water is.

morning comes early...why?!?!

music: Earth, Wind, & Fire - Fantasy
mood: achh...enjoying some soreness

I dreamed about my hair. I know, I'm finally losing it. Not my hair, my mind. =P I was dreaming that I couldn't decide what color to make it. Why don't I get cool dreams like other people do? Did I piss off the dream gods so they'd give me mundane crap forever? I dunno who's muffin I shit in, but I'm reaping the benefits.

Damn, this is too funk-A...now i've got kool & the gang...i'm dancing around and not really focusing on much else. It's great music while I drink my morning Senseo, before I have to head out to *shudder* work. Not the most exciting day ahead...but then it never really is. I like my job, but it's never really that much fun ever. Sometimes I get to take people out and about and that's fun, but mostly it's bureaucratic bullshit. I have to renegotiate someone's rental lease later on....WOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!! Then! Woo! I get to sort some receipts and set up another month's spending budget!!!!!!!!! Then! Get this!! If I'm REALLY lucky...I may get to set up some doctor's appointments for clients to get tested for urinary tract infections and dental checkups!!!!!! Yeeeee Haaaaaaaa!

Yeah. Hey at least it's sunny, and that means that the agoraphobic woman I have to drug and take out of her apartment won't be freaking out as much as she would if it was raining. Plus she never wears shoes, only slippers...so her feet won't get wet this way. I'm lying...I only *arranged* to have her drugged, I didn't administer the pills myself. Still though, if it was murder I was planning like this, then I'd be the one with the death penalty for the premeditation. It always works like that. The woman who hired the two men to beat her husband to death in the cab of his truck and set it on fire was the one who got the stiffer sentence. Of course she got caught because she was a Wal-Mart shopper. HA! She had the man wrapped in a rug and then put into the truck, etc...but then she went to Wal-Mart the same day and bought a fucking replacement rug...and they kept the receipt. Serves the bitch right. What was she going to do with the insurance money anyway but buy cheap azz sweatshop Wal-Mart crap? That's the best reason not to shop there. Apparently it breeds thought of premeditated murder.
"I want more Wal-Mart crap, but can't afford (!?) it" /snicker
"I'd better off my husband for like 50 g's...I can get all the trailer decorations my black heart desires."
Ok, first of all, dumb-ASS, make it worth your while!! Get more than $50K! I once had $175K policy going (I was in the mood to plan funerals, don't ask.), now why couldn't this Wal-Mart shopper/murderess plan better for more money? She was going to have to split it with the hired men anyway, go for a bigger cut. The men ratted her out anyhow. She didn't earn that money- telling someone else to do your dirty work and taking the chance they rat you out?? Too idiotic. Do your OWN killing, your own collecting, and for christ's sake, don't TELL anyone about it...

wow...earth, wind and fire really inspire me to um...rant.

punkage subvention

sleeping in felt so great this morning. Of course now I'm up and it's after midnight...probably serves me right if the day comes too early tomorrow. I'm having issues typing, but that's what spellcheck is for. Way.

I was having quite the stream of unconsciousness earlier when the Punk called- I dunno, i was way too high or something because I have no real recollection of anything I said to him, beyond that he wasn't allowed to steal Hohn to fix his car cause he was going to be fixing my bike, and besides, he was probably already on his way. So the Punk says he knows because he knew Hohn was going to be coming over to my house, so he'd already been to his house to try and divert him from leaving, but he was already gone. What a fucking PUNK!! So then he calls me to get Hohn to leave from helping me to go and help him?? Soooooo underhanded. Thing is...I bet the Punk wasn't cooking Hohn lunch. So I WIN!!!!!!!!!
It was pretty funny because Hohn actually made a reference to that. He said when he was driving over here he saw a guy on the side of the road with a broke-down bike and he was going to help him, but then he had the thought: "hm...I would stop, but he's not cooking me lunch." Ha! I'm glad it was a kickazz mushroom/basil/alfredo with linguine. It might have been not so good, except that it came out perfectly. Don't ask me to esssplain the logic in that.
The bike got fixed, Hohn got lunch, the Punk got stiffed in his underhanded attempt to steal away my bike mechanic, and I saw Batman. All in all it was probably a good enough day. =)

"my soul? that's been missing for years!"

So has anyone had the freaky sensation of seeing Dumbshit Rummy with *this* particular face before?? I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks. And now, so will you!

*evil grin*

In case you're wondering, this was from last week's enquiry into the iraq situation, when Rummy was being asked by Sen. Kennedy whether he'd resign over the whole deal. Rummy of course said "that's up to [Bush]."
We all know the bastard's tried to get out of his own fecal matter twice now by resigning, I think it's great that he's being forced down with the sinking ship.

oh, of ALL the lame...

From NARAL Pro-Choice America:
"As many as 20 states permit pharmacists to refuse to fill women's prescriptions for birth control, including emergency contraception or the "morning-after" pill. Some examples are below:

• Arkansas has a law that explicitly allows pharmacists to refuse to dispense birth control.
  
• Georgia, Kansas, Maine, Mississippi, North Carolina and South Dakota have laws that explicitly allow pharmacists to refuse to dispense a broad range of drugs and/or family planning services.
  
• Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Maine, Minnesota, New York, Oregon, Tennessee, West Virginia and Wisconsin have refusal laws that are specific to birth control and/or family planning services, and are broad enough to include pharmacists.
  
• California, Hawaii, Maine, New Mexico and Washington have refusal laws that are not specific to pharmacists or birth control, but are broad enough to include both."

...such utter crap. These people aren't even making SENSE now. Apparently "Pharmacists for Life" are bringing back the phrase "Radical Feminazis" when referring to women of all ages, races, creeds, and orientation who would like to have their prescriptions filled. So many women use oral contraceptives as a way to regulate their cycle, reduce symptoms (pain) associated with interstitial cystitis, endometriosis, and to help with other problems they're having that are ovary-related. One pharmacist was quoted as "coaching" women by asking them when they're going to get off the pill.
Oh this just chaps my ass. These holier-than-thou idiots are also making a huge stink about providing emergency contraceptives to rape victims by saying they are killing an embryo by using the drug. Well, dumb-ASS, emergency contraception doesn't work on an already-pregnant person. I thought pharmacists were supposed to know a thing or two about what medications do and don't do?
I've always asked pharmacists to explain prescriptions I didn't understand, or about side-effects . I only ever had problems when I was using the Nuva-ring for contraception, and only because it was so new at that point the pharmacist (80 years old if he was a day) didn't know it was supposed to be refrigerated. I was only on it briefly, but who knows how effective it would have been in the long run with the pharmacy not knowing how to store it? Actually- along with the migraines and joint pain, my skin was never clearer!! ;-) Worth it? Hmmm...lemme think.
At least I never got hassled by "the man" the one time I had to use emergency contraception pills. It was bad enough sitting at the clinic waiting to ask for the prescription. I'm the most careful person about birth control, and the *one* time I end up on the wrong end of a defective condom...Sheesh. I felt almost like a criminal, or like being pulled in before the principal to be lectured for sticking gum under the desk(which I have never done, for the record...it was an example!).
Anyhoo, I can-not imagine how I would have felt to be refused the pills. I was freaking out enough already. I didn't even have the trauma that a rape victim would already be feeling.
I would hope this country doesn't revert back to it's old ways and make contraceptives harder to get. What the FUCK don't these right-to-lifers understand about PREVENTING fucking abortions by USING FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL??????!!!!!!!!

*breathe*

Ok. I realize it's not about unborn babies, but instead about controlling women, and keeping us down where we can be under someone's foot on the back of our neck. All of this shit begins at the homes of men with very small dicks who have something to prove, and some woman to blame. Ok, not some woman, but Hillary. Blame Hillary, and your penis will grow. Here, have some goddamn -->pills that the pharmacist doesn't mind dispensing and shut the fuck up already!!

Ack. Perhaps it's time I went to the gym...

oh god...i can't believe i ate...

salsa...too much salsa...it was too good...I wasn't watching...I'm gonna hurl...ack! I may just need some ipecac, but ewwwww can you imagine it coming back the other way????
Water. Lots of water. Eeeek!

summer lovin', had me a bla-ast....

i don't think I've had a better night in quite some time. I was invited over to the party pad by my good friend ellie, so of course I went. I'm in total awe of this woman, lemme just get that out of the way. I was raised to respect musical talent, but that just ain't it. I've now seen her woman parts twice, but that just ain't it either. There's something about the way she makes me feel welcome. No pretense, no Madison phony "I'll messenger you" ala Coupling where you know you could get hit by a bus and someone would only associate with that if there was a chance they could get quoted in the paper. She's just Real, and that's so fucking rare.
There was damn fine musica, damn fine bebidas, and damn fine amigos(and one damn fine amante, let's not forget that). I guess I could say it was just band practice, but sitting outside, listening to everyone play with such talent and heart just warmed me inside. It's one of those turning points where I wondered just where the fuck have these people been all my life? It also brings to mind the question of just what have I done to deserve being there? That brings me back to ellie and her hospitality. Unexpected, undeserved, and hellaciously awesome.

typing blind and curing insomnia

I'm glad I've got this blog so I can rant all I want and if people get sick of me they can close out the window. No one has to read this. I like the fact that if I'm going on like a rabid cow, then at least it's not forced down ayon'es throat. I'm also typing with my eyes shut. It feels better on my contacts anyway. Typing with on'e s eyes shut really opens the possibilities to what mistakes you are gonna make. I am a fairly accurate typist but without the letters on the page speaking back to me I feel like I'm only half a writer. I gauge my own workds as they come out. Not as they are supposed to look. Ofcourse I can't really fix a run on sentence like this, I can only hope that people will understand where I'm coming from. I am always reducing the length of sentences by going back a adding words like but, and...and. I'm planning on putting this up as is, without spellchecking the words. The experience of writing as if I was blind is fairly calming. I have a new appreciation for the blind right now. I can tell where my hands are supposed to be on the keyboard only because of the tiny ridges on teh keys. This is more an exercise in patience, and maybe I'll let myelf sleep after this. I am of course very tired, but I am still very worked up from earler. It's very much difficult to see , or not see...the way I am entirely too verbose. Usually I cut about half of what I write each time. It's just better when I'm edited. I could probably fall asleep right here, typing blind, and resting in my chair. It's like a game, where I have to remembere where all teh keys are located, even teh backspace when I realize I've mde a mistake. Also, I realized, I tend to repeast myself a lot, if I don't look back and read over what I write. I feel like I'm typing class agin with teh quick brown fox and the lazy dog or whatever it was. I just remember tping from a treatise on the creation of the us zip codes. That was riveting, I tell ya. I believe they had wanted us to be able to use all teh numbers and all teh letters on all the keys, over and over again. It worked pretty well, and here I am, typein sixty words a miute with my eyes shut. I wonder who many errors I will have when I'm odne. Of course the faster I go the worse it gets. I'm too used to having eyesight. I'm very lucky to be able to do anything at all with my hands, eyes, oranything some people can't.

well that sucked.

great, just great. I'm not enjoying this heart situation one bit. I hate to sound like a broken record but I really wish I wasn't so fucking defective. If i had the energy to feel embarrassed, I would be. First I had a spell at work which was quite obvious to two coworkers, enough that they kept asking me the rest of the day if I was okay. I didn't even notice anything at first, until one pointed out that I looked really bad and asked me how I felt. It's weird how tired I get from this stuff. I remember being so wiped out that I was ready for a nap right there. Then, prest-o change-o, 10 minutes later I'm fine again.
Tonight at Momo I got the worst headache first, then queasy, then dog-tired. Big mistake to try and stand. Woops. At least I knew enough to get the episode recorded so I could send it off when I got home. By the time I got to my car I was seeing spots, and my hands were tingling with pins and needles. That's at least a familiar sensation which means my pressure's really low. The arm pain kind of freaked me out, and I wondered if I was having a heart attack. I just hate this shit. I always thought that if I started down the road my mom was on with the symptoms being so bad that I wouldn't wait until I was debilitated like she was. I'm pretty sure she refused the defib on purpose. I refuse to live as an invalid so they'd better fucking fix me before I get worse.

diagnosis! finally, goddammit.

I went to visit my cardiologist this morning so he could tell me what the heck is going on with my heart. They've already done multiple tests. They checked my pacemaker/defibrillator this morning as well, and found out that I've been having strange episodes recorded. Six times in the past 2 weeks (since the last check) I have had ultra-rapid heartbeats (around 165-180) for brief periods. It's strange because I usually will feel really icky and tired before they hit.
My blood pressure will drop sometimes, and the heart clinic folks haven't been able to tell me much beyond "stay hydrated."
Dr. Vorperian has decided that the trouble is in the upper chambers of my heart, which is causing the lower chamber to malfunction. It doesn't fill with blood all the way and can't complete the proper pumping movement, which is what causes my blood pressure to drop so dangerously.
His answer would like to be beta-blockers, since I already have an implanted device. In case what happened with my mom and aunt jackie happens with me, then the machine would keep me around, and they can look at alternative treatments.
However- he is being very thorough, and would like to record some of this weird upper chamber action, so I've got a monitor to take self-recordings of EKG's. I then phone them in to a call center in Florida (horror!) whose people interpret the EKG and transmit the readings to the cardiology clinic here in Wisconsin. Dr. Vorperian will look at those events (hopefully I capture some when they happen) and decide about the beta-blockers one month from now.
The only real danger in low blood pressure is the possibility of Stroke or heart failure, and as long as I keep really hydrated and stay rested I should be allright in that department.

life is something else...

music: neil young - harvest moon
mood: pensive

gaming was interesting. We didn't do standard gaming, instead Ciaren ran a separate session for the bard and the gnome. The rest of us played Settlers of Catan and then Burn in Hell. I was really frickin tired and not in the mood to mess with a million little game pieces for Settlers, but Cack talked me into it. It was fun as usual, and Darth Moll won, as usual. It *is* his game after all. Stuart was pretty close to beating him, however. I was never close at all, but I did manage to pull some moves out of my ass and establish as a contender. Mainly it was cool to watch Dave and Cack wrangle it out.
Burn in Hell was something else altogether, and I got to be dealer, which in this game means I'm Satan, Lord of Hell. The rest of the folk get to be the demons, and we decide who's burning in what circles and what deadly sins mean more points in the end. We have to do this while Hell is freezing over. I think we know who rules the darkness below...and that would be me, the Supremely Evil One. I won by a landslide, and that was no fluke. Muahar!

When I showed up to the house, the Punk got crap from Krueger about keeping my stuff when I moved out, and in specifics, my beach cruiser. It wasn't the best bike in the world, but it *was* mine, and I said that he was off the hook since it was probably left for dead in a garage in Poynette and to not worry. I gave up long ago expecting things back. I mean, the last time I went to get stuff, he'd put my boxes and such in the fucking driveway and didn't even let me in to see what was left over. Gah!
Ok so then Punk says that no, the thing is ready to go home with me whenever I want to take it. Riiiight. Ok, but he points outside and there's my bike, parked by my car. He was serious! Miracle of miracles. He even helped me load it into the car. I was very much confused by this point. Why the turnaround? I was just happy to have the thing back. I didn't expect more than that. Again, he surprises me. Says he's got boxes of my stuff in the garage not 20 feet away, and has been waiting for a chance to get the stuff to me. Yeeeeeeeah. Uh huuuuuh. Mental shake.
So Punk brought out a box with some stuff, and we loaded it while Krueger was discussing how we'd fix up the beach cruiser next weekend. At least that should be easy. It's in fairly good shape except some rust and in need of new tires and rubber brake pads. He was doing some talking about nuts and bolts (insert guy talk here a bit) and tightening stuff and um...I have no idea, it's all good even if I have no clue.
That wasn't the weirdest part. Rob and I went into the house and continued talking for about the next two hours. Man, did we ever have a lot to discuss. I don't think we're done yet, but I feel pretty good where things stand.
The toughest thing was that last November through complete emotional retardation and relationship incompetence he ensured that I would be humiliated in front of all of our friends, his new girlfriend, and his entire family. I won't go into it, but I was in complete meltdown for a long time.

Ok, I *will* go into it.

I broke up with him in March or April of last year but we were continuing to see each other after I got my own place in Madison. It was sporadic, but things continued until last July. We just drifted off after that, and it was no big hardship on either of us. He was contacting me in August and I was getting the feeling he was trying to start things up with me again. Of course I have no idea what I wanted...but I was willing to check it out.
We saw each other every week and it was our same relationship as it had always been. This continued along until around Thanksgiving, when I was invited out with all the friends to the house in Poynette for dinner, drinking, and gaming.
Ok, this is sounding so pathetic about now...but I'll continue.
His friend from work came over because (he said) her family life was kind of rocky and she'd appreciate hanging with us. No problem. So basically everything was great until his family came over and his sister hugged me and was whispering (loudly) in my ear about how much she misses me, I'm still her favorite, yadda yadda. Um...wtf?
Ok so around about a couple minutes later, the friend from work says she's got to talk to me alone in the sunroom...so whatever, I'm a couple of sheets to the wind, I'll talk to whoever. It wasn't a talk, it was a confrontation...why am I involved with "her Man" -- what's up with my relationship with Rob, why am I here celebrating a holiday with him, what's going on and why am I invading her territory, blah blah diddy fucking blah....

...oh.

Christ.

First thought: I'm too drunk to drive home right this fucking second, but I really need to get out of here NOW.
Second thought: I'd better sober up quick.
Third thought: Who the fuck is this person in my personal space confronting me about someone I've been involved with for years, up until extremely recently and by extremely I was wondering just when he started fucking her, because he sure never said he was dating anyone as of TWO days before. I asked him that day if he was seeing anyone (CODE for: Are you seeing anyone?). I mean, duh.
So when this woman was doing the drama scene I calmly took it all in stride and while I was struggling to sober up I guess I said some things to her that according to Rob messed her up emotionally for months. I fully maintain that anything said under complete shock and duress should not be taken seriously, but I know I am the master of the cut when I am
1.) drinking and
2.) seriously pissed off.
(Refer to the Four Margaritas Incident for another example of this.)

Moving on...apparently the uh...new girlfriend didn't know he and I had been seeing each other and vice-versa. Pair this with heinous verbiage from my corner, and you've got a recipe for complete disaster. As for what I said, a lot of it was hyper-concerned-extremely-catty-pseudo-caring-cuts about her faded looks, her old age, her lack of sex appeal, and waning ability to date a man if he's got to keep her secret from everyone...including an ex-girlfriend he just went out with the day before. I was very unkind, just a massive bitch on a stick. I cast aspersions on Rob's ability to do just about anything, including maintaining a relationship with her, hold down a job, or complete a sentence without lying, for fuck's sake.

The real blame belonged with the Punk - and I saw that clearly...as I was driving home, still probably too drunk, but too upset to give a rat's ass. I refused to speak to him for months, even for gaming. Ciaren called a hiatus for a couple of months, which was timely.

Two weeks after the humiliating "unveiling," our birthdays came up. The Punk's b-day is 2 days before mine, so we had a movie party for him one week, then one for me the next week. I was in full defense mode, and refused to hide out to avoid him, since he was the liar and I wasn't going to miss hanging out with our friends just because he's an ass. Well...he brought the new girlfriend to that first party. I am not sure what he was trying to accomplish there, because everyone knew what had transpired the last time we'd all been together, I just don't think Rob knew how severely she and I had fallen out. It was torturous, and I was glad when the woman left, since she was fairly hostile to me the entire time.

The next time I saw them was months later at Quaker Steak and Lube, and she was outright bellicose. I avoided her completely, and cursed Rob a fool for being involved with someone like her. Luckily she never came to gaming again so I was able to continue that with our group of friends, even if I had to endure the Punk's presence.

Over the months I know things have been really hard for Rob, even though I don't spend time with him or talk to him. Others of us reduced the girlfriend to the "Black Widow Spider" conversationally, and left it at that. There was a time when Rob showed up to gaming looking like someone beat the shit out of him, and he refused to say what happened...but somehow it involved her, so that was just IT for me. I was less pissed about his malfeasance by this time so I just got worried for him. I even thought about trying to get him to date me again just to get him out of her clutches, even though by this time I was seeing just how wrong he and I had been for each other all those years.
I finally came to the conclusion that he is an adult and if he chooses to fuck up his life with someone who abuses him or is wrong for him, then it's his choice and I gave up and moved on.

Stardate: Tonight.
I realized when we were talking that I was going to be completely honest and let him know how hurt I was by what he did and how he acted, consequences be damned.
He fucking apologized. Blow me over with a slight wind. We talked about everything, including my concerns about whether this woman is taking advantage of him or being abusive. Apparently everything is okay, except that she was wounded horribly by what I said and still isn't over it, and has some insecurity complex. Plus- she just isn't accepted by the group, and neither she nor Rob know what to do anymore.

If I've misjudged this woman, then I need to help her transition into our group. When I was newly with Rob, I was accepted without hesitation. Apparently Rob has tried a lot of different things to ease her transition, but every plan has backfired on him and her. Mostly I think she's made such a bad impression that there's hardly a way for her to redeem herself unless I do something to help. If it's a mistake and she's actually some awful person...then it'll get sussed. If she's simply misunderstood in her insecurities, then my karma will reap the benefits, and she'll at least have the appearance of me in her corner.
After my long talk with Rob I am okay with giving it a try. Back in November she just bit off more than she could chew, but I didn't know my anger could have such lasting effects. I feel like I owe it to her to try again, this time on equal footing. I don't want anyone miserable and ostracized on my account, which is the case according to Rob.

I'm very glad that I had this opportunity to hopefully right a wrong if that's what it is...and I fucking hope I'm not getting fished in because I'm a sap. After 4+ years I would say I know Rob inside and out, and he was sincere. He totally fucked up where I'm concerned, and because he apologized I'm willing to let it be bygones. I'm awful at holding grudges. Besides, I wouldn't be so pissed about him being hurt if I didn't retain any feelings for him as a friend. What we had romantically dwindled away long ago (and honestly it was never amazing), and I was able to see things objectively tonight. He just wants his girlfriend to feel accepted and less insecure where I'm concerned, and he wants me to forgive him and be his good friend again.

It's astonishing that I want the same thing. I'm just not angry anymore.

just now - pretty sweet y'all

music: Bridget Jones' Diary Soundtrack
specifically: All By Myself
acting: Silly as hell, singing along with no hesitation
mood: Pretty goddamn happy-

Today was fairly great, although I'm burned to a crispy critter red. I went to the farmer's market to man a table for NARAL, and then I sat up on Monona Terrace with my main squeeze and his fabulous kid and we all got some more sun.
I did a half shift at Borders, then grabbed a nap and then hit the gym. That was pretty cool - and I feel really great now. =)
Michiel and Brandi and I had a three-way...voice chat! =p The dutchie was drinking (correction: not plastered, oh so sorry), and luckily Brandi and I got to witness it.
There's that cd release party at the King Club tonight so I'm heading out...I'm not exactly sure where it is, but I could always drive around in circles until something occurs to me. After all, Madison isn't that goddamn big.

don't know how I feel 'bout these eggrolls

It looked so easy on tv. HA! Isn't that always the way. I actually tried to make eggrolls for my snazzA shindig tomorrow. We'll see how they fry up but for now I'm thinking what a pain in my ass.

workliness ;-)

banking rocks! Ok, not really. What does rock is Quicken. I'm about to sound like a fuckin' ad. I used to do all this bank account shit by hand for years. Now I can get someone's whole month reconciled in 20 minutes flat. It's especially nice when I shut myself away in the puter room with nothing but my papers, some Ben Folds, and the will to bank. People in this office take that seriously so no one's on my ass about anything stupid, unless you count the temporarily transplanted channels folks, who bother me for the dumbest things.
Him: "Hey, did you have a bag of *insert unheard of item* in the fridge?"
Me: *shaking head, eyes never leave the computer* "nope."
Mike on the other computer: *shakes head, eyes never leave computer* "nope."
Him: "Well because I saw a bag in there, and I know I bought a bag and put it in there, but I didn't know if this was my bag, or someone else's bag."
Me: *silence, eyes still not leaving screen*
Mike: *silence, eyes still not leaving screen*
Him: "ok, then. thanks!" *wanders off*
Yeah. I can't wait until the remodeling's done.

Oooh, morning again! Yay!

gah...the downward spiral...beware. seriously.

mood: sleepy
music: carpenters - love songs

Great afternoon! I went to get my hair done and the woman working with me was fucking awesome. She fixed everything I was pissed about from the last time. It's had time to grow out from the last butchering, and it was time to get that mop taken care of. The color came out great too...which really makes my life better, considering I am not ready to look like Cruella d'Ville with her white skunky hair. My brother was completely white on top by the time he was 35. I'm pretty sure early gray runs in the family. God bless Clairol for thinking ahead.
So this is weird, I'm looking at this website about pregnancy, and I'm just feeling kind of ill reading that stuff. I was only interested in whether someone can ovulate more than once a month (they can), and whether they can ovulate more than once a cycle (they can't). Then I got sucked in by curiosity to all the myriad ways of controlling conception. This seems kind of unfair: female sterilization has a .5% failure rate compared to a male sterilization rate of .2%. How's that? Okay, granted it's better than 85% rate for using no method at all...but I'm convinced there's a sinister plot there somehow.
I was pregnant once before, but I can't imagine ever being pregnant again...what a nightmare, even for someone whose body can take it.
Heheh I remember being vegetarian...and craving big huge ham and cheese subs with tons of mustard, and I felt like I was betraying all the happy little animals by eating them!!
I was never so relieved as when the sickness stopped. Well, when I stopped it. I just knew as soon as I woke up in the clinic that terminating my pregnancy had been the right thing to do. All that time I didn't know that if I carried to term I'd die...but when my heart stopped in recovery it occurred to me that maybe there was more at work than me not being ready for motherhood. The abject fear I felt every single day had been overwhelming. It wasn't just Randy and his bullshit either but that wasn't helping. Me being pregnant didn't make him stop to think that it probably isn't good to bruise your girlfriend. One day he threw a chair at me and I broke all my nails fending him off and it just cemented in my mind how wrong it would be to make an omelette with this man, let alone a child!! I could really dwell on wishing others ill, but that won't help me in any case.

but...
I really hope he's dead...and that it hurt. A Lot.

snazz-A

mood: pseudo-contemplative
music: blessed silence

breakfast: toasted pb&j w/ bananas on it & vanilla senseo

I gotta start eating breakfast more often, this is the SHIT. I was kind of disappointed that Senseo is only packing 16 pods in the flavored packs for the same price as 18. Nine mugs vs. Eight for $5. Still cheaper than buying out, but I wonder what happened to those other two pods. Is it like socks disappearing from the clothes dryer when you're not looking? Some dutchie from Philips decided that 18 was "too much!", swept his arms like Stalin, and reduced my coffee enjoyment by 1/9. Since I'm going for believability here we'll stick with the Stalin theory. Socks and coffee don't mix.

outpost run amok

Colt 45...Works *every* time...

Here's a nice thing I saw unexpectedly! Tribune Story

this is what happens when I let an australian have access to my desktop while I'm sleeping. He would be the one with the hammer. *haha*
But...how did he know what side of the bed I sleep on?!?!?!

Proving I actually work sometimes.

carthegenians rule my world!

mood: zombie-like
music: jamie cullum, twentysomething

I was Civvin' it tonight, first time in weeks. Man, I love that game. I left it at 400 a.d. and saved it, because my hand was turning into ze Claw...from holding the mouse too long. Definitely fun though. I'm trying John's tactics of spreading like a rash, when I usually stop to smell the roses and build temples and such. Not a godly Civ have I...we shall worship the fires of hell and take all of this land! And we shall call it: This Land. My neighbors are China and I can hear them now..."curse your sudden yet inevitable betrayal!" Muahar!

flaterectomy does it again...er, something anyway.

Listen to it here.

I'm not sure exactly what Nobbleh was singing but I'm sure if I'm nice he'll explain it to me one day. Good job, boys!! *cough* Men! Yes, Men!! ;-)

oh what a beautiful....oh forget it.

mood: alert
music: my man james taylor, greatest hits, V1

Today started waaaaay too freakin early. I was up at 4 (miracles do happen) to be in Stoughton to get Ida to the hospital by 5:30 for check-in for surgery. Of course I had to get the worst valet in St. Mary's extensive valet history. This guy works as well as the cracked St. Mary's chapel bell. He speaks little to no english and I had to tell him to back off while I got Ida out of the car-he kept asking me "need valet?" when I am trying to explain to him that sure, you can take the car, but I need the old lady inside of it first!! Even rudimentary language skills would have been great, but since that didn't seem to work and he was hovering, I pointed to Ida and made wheelchair-like motions. So instead of getting me a wheelchair, he took that as dismissal and I had plenty of opportunity to get everything myself and her into the entry before he came back to finally get the car.
The reason I'm annoyed today is because he's helped me multiple times in the past, even made a comment about my car ("is nice, this car, nice"), so I *know* he remembers me.
A customer explained to me on Saturday the appeal of the CRX's. Apparently anything fits. By that I mean I can take just about any engine and drop it in, and it will fit. The customer (he and his wife Sandy come in pretty often for my "amazing motherfucking mochas") recommended that I get an Acura 1.8 liter engine to drop in. He said it's the difference between a bike and a Vespa. Ok, well first I should have working axles that don't click when I make a turn. It's a dice roll every time I go to the right. >>>>which fits so many situations when turning to the dark side... I mean the right.

so there i was, thinkin again

mood: mellow
music: neil young: harvest moon

Things seem to be going well. I wasn't sure this weekend wouldn't blow my shit for weeks, but I'm actually feeling all right with my life. Work is just...they're always after someone, and it's not me this week so I appreciate that. I don't like that it's my boss, and it was highly pukeable that the boss from the vocational side of us ran over to gloat about the trouble to come. I think I'm supposed to feel some solidarity with the wimmin or something, but that's just low and I didn't like it. "hey, I just wanted to spread this malicious gossip and spread about how much I'm a bitch and like to see other people under the axe." It was her who went to the upper boss in the first place to start trouble. Some people really suck donkey's asses. Is that redundant?
Anyway. I really hope they don't include me in their office politics and shit-flinging, because Homey just don't play that. I happen to think Mike is a good boss, even if he has "days" like everyone does! I'm sure people talk about me in less than glowing terms a lot of times. I am blunt, somewhat emotionally retarded, and I tend to speak before I think. Also, I'm fairly bitchy on a regular basis. (pms aside, I hate a lot of people.)
I don't want to see him go down like I've seen others do in our little office. Nate was the first I saw go...he was slightly useless but effective when he felt like it. Roger was pretty great, and a total wiz on quicken. Now they have their sights set on Mike and I'm not diggin this scene one iota. I wanted to push that channels bitch down some stairs when she came in to spread her good news for good people or whatever it's called. Bah. Truly mean people suck. I'm mean sometimes but never seriously, and not without good reason. I just get pissed off easily, what can I say? I probably need prozac.

boating liberally

Mood: Impatient
Music: nothing...can't decide between ben folds and the white stripes.

So I was diggin on this whole idea of boating on Lake Mendota. I wasn't too worried about feeling seasick, and I had little to worry bout anyhow since "Interfering Bitch" (we'll just call him...oh...Bill I guess) decided to kill himself biking in the heat to go pick up seasick wristbands for me. I didn't need them, which was a relief. I just enjoyed every moment out there on the big, blue, moving, rocking, side-to-side...oh god I'm gonna hurl...

**interlude in the key of D....talk amongst yourselves...no big whoop.**

Ok. Whew. Recovered. hehehe. It was fine. It was awesome...I loved the wind in my face, the cool breeze off the water, the people I was with, and the icy Cold One in my hand. I was so goddamn impressed with everyone who fearlessly dived into the lake! Daryl has the cutest little boat with really comfy seats in front so I could hang out and enjoy the scenery. It was a great ending to a really hot and shitty day.

So I'm getting emails from folks who apparently think there might be hijinks ensuing with one of our friends and myself...and I'd have to say there are plenty of hijinks ensuing. You just won't read about it here! =)

Oh...and let me tell you about my hot and shitty day. Oven temperature to 400f. I wanted to have my sunroof open but as I was roasting already I didn't see how sunstroke was going to help me much. I had so much to do with work that I felt really rushed, and before I knew it the time was gone, I had been fairly productive but I still have deadlines I'm failing to meet. I'm not the only one so it's not horrible...but if I didn't have so much to do I'd want to spend all my time on the jetty rocks in Tenney Park, feeling the splashing water and watching psycho ducks dive bombing each other.
Back to me. Me. Me!! Gah...that felt entirely too good. *bad shelley.*
I had to take Sheila to an appointment, and that was fine except she was in quite a mood and never stopped yelling "Jeopardy!" the entire time. We had to go there in the massive heat, wait around forever, do our thing, then head back OUT in the heat, and she was wandering all over, talking to people, not responding to cues at ALL...basically driving me a little nuts. Now, I love Sheila. She makes me really happy to be working in this field, and she and I always have a good time together. It...was...just...the goddamn HEAT...and she's obsessing on rolling all the windows up and not letting me out of the car because my windows aren't up, and then she just digs in her heels and won't move an inch.
Me: Fine, Sheila....they're UP now can we pleaaaaaaase go??
Her: "Jeopardy!!"
Wow. I just get off on these deep conversations with mentally retarded adults. Makes my freakin day, when it's in 90 degree weather.

After I got her home, she headed off with a friend so it was just her staff and me. Marissa had been cooking for hours anticipating my visit. So when Bill called and I knew I was due for the Tuesday thing, and then Dory called and said when she and Daryl would be there with the boat, I was really itching to get out of there quick. Did I mention Marissa cooked for hours anticipating my visit?? So we had this great dinner of Mexican soup with rice and tortillas and horchata (she MADE goddamn horchata, I love this woman), then I busted out and made my way to the lake.
There were only 2 emergencies and 5 phone calls before I saw Bill biking by and honked him down (I think this is becoming a theme after last week's impromptu picnic when I chased him down in my honda like a black widow stalking her...oh wait that is SUCH a terrible analogy for so many reasons...), and I had to take my on-call bag on the boat. All was quiet after that.

I'm *so* gonna dig going boating again. Especially now that I know I'm totally fine on the water. Not one heave. Not one hurl. Not one uh...well you get the drift. Get it? the ....drift? Ok! Blog Called due to Lame!!

flaterectomy, my hero!

Hey now this is some fun stuff. I like it! You will too! =)

Great new tune.

you better watch out because I'm gonna say Fuck

Yeah so there was a bit of tmi in that last post, nothing personal to anyone!

So Michiel emailed the new Ben Folds cd to me along with a bunch of other live songs and different versions of Rockin the Suburbs. I'm ecstatic! Steve at Borders was telling me he thought Ben lost his edge but I was really impressed with the feeling in these new tracks.
"Jesusland" really grabbed me from the beginning, and I have heard it about 5 more times tonight. "Gracie" is the sweetest Dad song ever...he sings the words "you're not a baby, you're my friend," and I was totally verklempt. Ai.
"Give Judy My Notice" just cracked me up- a breakup song totally in Ben's style. I like that Ben's not the best singer ever - he's just more real than perfection demands.
Along with Songs for Silverman, I have some really great songs on the cd I burned. I put the Japanese version of Song for the Dumped, which is awesome. I also heard this really funny Japanese radio ad, which is so silly that I can believe Ben did it and loved it.
I put the "Cock Out" version of "Rock this Bitch" on the second CD I burned- I never get tired of rocking that bitch. hehe!
Actually right now I'm hearing the live L.A. version of "Rockin the Suburbs" and it's so good! "...gets me real pissed off and it makes me wanna say......................................................................
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

gotta love it.

cookies anyone?

So, I'm uh, eating some cookies. They're chocolate.

*****deleted blog entry***********

normalcy would be great

So last weekend I was at Borders and I started having dizzy spells. They felt not dissimilar to the blood pressure drops I had in the air en route to Amsterdam. After resting, eating, whatever...and they wouldn't subside, I left work and headed home. I called Dr. Vorperian's (my cardiologist)nurse and asked what these symptoms could mean. She didn't have any answers for me but said she would talk to Vic (short for Vicken Vorperian) for me.
There was a message from Sue in the Meriter Pacer Clinic on my machine yesterday that said they were told my machine had an event and I should come in ASAP. What that means is they were told my defib gave me a shock. I called Sue back and set that straight but she still wanted me to come in for a checkup today. The pacer check told the cardiac nurse that my heart's been acting funny, and the machine has been recording it. Apparently I've had periods where my heart begins to speed up unnaturally, and it was out of the range of what's considered normal so it was recorded.
Now, I know that when my heart speeds up like that it can go into a bad rhythm and cause some instant death. I have the internal defib, so I am not worried I'll drop over. I don't like what's happening though. Honestly it scares the shit out of me and I don't know what to do. Dizzy spells, fatigue, possible hospitalization, and death don't appeal to me. I'm only 31, for christ's sake!
I asked the nurse what I can do when I feel my pressure dropping, and she said to lie down and drink lots of water. Apparently drinking water raises blood pressure. She talked about putting me on beta blockers too, which was what killed my mother and aunt jackie. Jackie died within six days of starting beta blockers. I really don't want to press my luck. I just don't know what to do here! I feel really impotent and helpless and I'd really like to just be like any other person. I wish I JUST had Crohn's disease. I can manage that and it doesn't scare me. I know it can be fatal as well, but at least it's understood by most of the medical community and treatable. My heart is fucking up and nobody can do a goddamn thing. I don't want a transplant, because 50 percent of the time the patient dies during the procedure, and only a percentage of those make it past the first year.
I would like to be dealing with this better but I'm not able to right now. I'd like to be up and happy and excited about life but I'm pissing myself that my heart is fucking with my quality of life!!

go mallards!

Tonight was fun. Judith and John invited me out with them and their friends to the mallards game and the tailgate beforehand. This is new completely, since I am not into sports, and have never before tailgated. I would like to do more new things with my life, so I said "yes!" emphatically and joined them.
I was trying to be mellow but I spent the entire afternoon with Ida at Stoughton Hospital and that just soured me. We waited almost an hour and a half for our appointment, and then the doctor just goes on about stupid things, inciting Ida to yelling at him. He had the temerity to ask her if she believes in God, which in my opinion is completely beside the point at a hospital(!) but in Ida's case, causes her to become very upset. She's pissed off at the Big Guy because her favorite brother died last year. She started yelling at the doctor about "why not her" and just general upset-ness. So the doctor didn't get many points for that. He then was very interested in how many tattoos I have, where I have them, how good a relationship I've got with my tattoo artist, whether my dad has anything to say about me being inked, why don't I have them on my feet since this is very popular with women nowadays, well you see my point. We waited an hour and a half so this hick could give me the third degree? Grrrrr....well I was pretty steamed and we got the fuck out of Dodge as quickly as possible.
So back to the game. After meeting up with John and Judith and friends, we did introductions. It was kind of odd...I of course had to be the only single person there. I was introduced to one woman while she breastfed her child. I'm allright with that, but I was less okay with being the odd one out. Everyone is pretty nice so that's good, but I realized my seat was rows back from the group and I'd have to sit alone. I was up there feeling like shit for awhile, when one of the group flagged me down to come and sit with them, even though there wasn't an extra seat. Talk about being the odd one out, now I'm supposed to steal someone's seat? Thank goodness someone said that as long as one person was always on a beer run we'd be good. I hate imposing on people. I can't believe I spent all this time having fun with people and I'm obsessing about seating arrangements hours later. Freakazoid, c'est moi.
Everyone started talking about going over to some people's new house or something...but it didn't seem like I was invited so I bugged out right away. I did see one of my bosses in the parking lot and chatted with him so that was pretty cool. Unlike a lot of people I know I like the people with whom I work.
I'm fairly sunburned today. I left my sunroof open and just went with it. My hair's a rat's nest, but that's another issue. I had the most awesome time just driving with the wind whipping my hair around and the radio up way too loud, and the top open so I could feel the sun.
I went to Geek Lunch at the Harmony Bar...which was another new thing for me to experience this week. I'm at my limit I believe. I don't want to be too overwhelmed with new stuff then get let down when life is boring again. Madison is still exciting for me because I have so much left to discover. I'm kind of bummed that I have nobody to date but I'm very much surrounded by friends so I can deal. Wow...started to ramble.
So Harmony Bar! Very cool place, and I had a great time with the Geeks. We debated Star Wars, which can always be a fun thing. I think I outgeeked some of the people but everyone is so cool that I'm allright with looking like a fool because I'm seriously into Wookie BowCasters. Somehow I was able to ignore the entire fight scene on the Wookie home world because I was just way into checking out those weapons.
Allright. I'll sign this rant off, since I've gotten onto the page whatever I needed to.