just kind of peeved.

music: INeverLearnedToWashMyself by Flaterectomy
mood: peeved

In the past I have found that blogging really stopped me from spilling all my guts to those around me, and boring them to the point where I had to supply caffeine in large amounts to any and all I was speaking with. I really don't like to........hold on, smoke break.
Too many fucking seeds, as usual... =P
Ok! So normally I'd try to put as much here as I could to PRESERVE the people around me. so what the fuck? It's not working any more. I don't have any reason to feel so self-conscious ---ok. side note: unself-conscious. is there a stupider word, like ever? Am I even spelling that right? Who cares.

I just have felt a certain...(urge to kill that moth flying around my monitor) hesitancy when I write now- because I know people are reading it. That is not okay. What about when I write another book? People are gonna read that TOO. I have to get past this. I'm actually glad to have the knowledge that people are reading what I'm writing and actually identifying with some of it.
It's like that episode of Sex and the City with the dermatologist dirty talker...ROFL! Some guy will be all talkative about everything in the sack, then want you to reciprocate. I laughed my ass off at that episode. He's all like: "yeah, I like to kiss your hot sexy blah blah blah sex talk... do you like that?" and she's like "um...Sure!" "you bet!" So then he says to her something like "tell me what you like me to do," and she can't say anything! So she stammers out something like..."Well I like it when you do that..." and he says: "what?" and she says: "That!" and he says "what exactly?" and she says "what you're doing!" I was falling on the floor at that one.

I can totally identify with that whole scene. The pressure to reciprocate when your brain is not on duty in the first place- to come up with something that is supposed to sound not so much good, but not lame, on the spot. Wasn't happenin' in the 8th grade speech competitions, isn't happenin' now. I don't mean to say that the 8th grade me is somewhere trapped inside, waiting for twinkies, (my 31-year old self don't like twinkies) - but I guess the feeling of being on the spot never really feels that great when your mind's a blank.

Besides which, (is that even a real phrase? doesn't make sense to me.)
Ok, besides...what if you really *do* want something in particular? Getting over the hump (pardon the expression) and just saying it out loud???? That's really daunting! I know the power of speech, and i GET IT that it can be a real turn on when someone's speakin they mind in betweens those sheets. But like, what if you were to say the wrong thing? Sound like an idiot? Yeah. Again with the Sex and the City. She ends up sticking to the basics: "rock hard blah blah blah" and ends it with "you like my finger yadda yadda..." and the dermatologist freaks and they break up. =P
I guess that's a factor.

Wow- 15 minutes ago I had a point. I guess I will again someday.