life is something else...

music: neil young - harvest moon
mood: pensive

gaming was interesting. We didn't do standard gaming, instead Ciaren ran a separate session for the bard and the gnome. The rest of us played Settlers of Catan and then Burn in Hell. I was really frickin tired and not in the mood to mess with a million little game pieces for Settlers, but Cack talked me into it. It was fun as usual, and Darth Moll won, as usual. It *is* his game after all. Stuart was pretty close to beating him, however. I was never close at all, but I did manage to pull some moves out of my ass and establish as a contender. Mainly it was cool to watch Dave and Cack wrangle it out.
Burn in Hell was something else altogether, and I got to be dealer, which in this game means I'm Satan, Lord of Hell. The rest of the folk get to be the demons, and we decide who's burning in what circles and what deadly sins mean more points in the end. We have to do this while Hell is freezing over. I think we know who rules the darkness below...and that would be me, the Supremely Evil One. I won by a landslide, and that was no fluke. Muahar!

When I showed up to the house, the Punk got crap from Krueger about keeping my stuff when I moved out, and in specifics, my beach cruiser. It wasn't the best bike in the world, but it *was* mine, and I said that he was off the hook since it was probably left for dead in a garage in Poynette and to not worry. I gave up long ago expecting things back. I mean, the last time I went to get stuff, he'd put my boxes and such in the fucking driveway and didn't even let me in to see what was left over. Gah!
Ok so then Punk says that no, the thing is ready to go home with me whenever I want to take it. Riiiight. Ok, but he points outside and there's my bike, parked by my car. He was serious! Miracle of miracles. He even helped me load it into the car. I was very much confused by this point. Why the turnaround? I was just happy to have the thing back. I didn't expect more than that. Again, he surprises me. Says he's got boxes of my stuff in the garage not 20 feet away, and has been waiting for a chance to get the stuff to me. Yeeeeeeeah. Uh huuuuuh. Mental shake.
So Punk brought out a box with some stuff, and we loaded it while Krueger was discussing how we'd fix up the beach cruiser next weekend. At least that should be easy. It's in fairly good shape except some rust and in need of new tires and rubber brake pads. He was doing some talking about nuts and bolts (insert guy talk here a bit) and tightening stuff and um...I have no idea, it's all good even if I have no clue.
That wasn't the weirdest part. Rob and I went into the house and continued talking for about the next two hours. Man, did we ever have a lot to discuss. I don't think we're done yet, but I feel pretty good where things stand.
The toughest thing was that last November through complete emotional retardation and relationship incompetence he ensured that I would be humiliated in front of all of our friends, his new girlfriend, and his entire family. I won't go into it, but I was in complete meltdown for a long time.

Ok, I *will* go into it.

I broke up with him in March or April of last year but we were continuing to see each other after I got my own place in Madison. It was sporadic, but things continued until last July. We just drifted off after that, and it was no big hardship on either of us. He was contacting me in August and I was getting the feeling he was trying to start things up with me again. Of course I have no idea what I wanted...but I was willing to check it out.
We saw each other every week and it was our same relationship as it had always been. This continued along until around Thanksgiving, when I was invited out with all the friends to the house in Poynette for dinner, drinking, and gaming.
Ok, this is sounding so pathetic about now...but I'll continue.
His friend from work came over because (he said) her family life was kind of rocky and she'd appreciate hanging with us. No problem. So basically everything was great until his family came over and his sister hugged me and was whispering (loudly) in my ear about how much she misses me, I'm still her favorite, yadda yadda. Um...wtf?
Ok so around about a couple minutes later, the friend from work says she's got to talk to me alone in the sunroom...so whatever, I'm a couple of sheets to the wind, I'll talk to whoever. It wasn't a talk, it was a confrontation...why am I involved with "her Man" -- what's up with my relationship with Rob, why am I here celebrating a holiday with him, what's going on and why am I invading her territory, blah blah diddy fucking blah....

...oh.

Christ.

First thought: I'm too drunk to drive home right this fucking second, but I really need to get out of here NOW.
Second thought: I'd better sober up quick.
Third thought: Who the fuck is this person in my personal space confronting me about someone I've been involved with for years, up until extremely recently and by extremely I was wondering just when he started fucking her, because he sure never said he was dating anyone as of TWO days before. I asked him that day if he was seeing anyone (CODE for: Are you seeing anyone?). I mean, duh.
So when this woman was doing the drama scene I calmly took it all in stride and while I was struggling to sober up I guess I said some things to her that according to Rob messed her up emotionally for months. I fully maintain that anything said under complete shock and duress should not be taken seriously, but I know I am the master of the cut when I am
1.) drinking and
2.) seriously pissed off.
(Refer to the Four Margaritas Incident for another example of this.)

Moving on...apparently the uh...new girlfriend didn't know he and I had been seeing each other and vice-versa. Pair this with heinous verbiage from my corner, and you've got a recipe for complete disaster. As for what I said, a lot of it was hyper-concerned-extremely-catty-pseudo-caring-cuts about her faded looks, her old age, her lack of sex appeal, and waning ability to date a man if he's got to keep her secret from everyone...including an ex-girlfriend he just went out with the day before. I was very unkind, just a massive bitch on a stick. I cast aspersions on Rob's ability to do just about anything, including maintaining a relationship with her, hold down a job, or complete a sentence without lying, for fuck's sake.

The real blame belonged with the Punk - and I saw that clearly...as I was driving home, still probably too drunk, but too upset to give a rat's ass. I refused to speak to him for months, even for gaming. Ciaren called a hiatus for a couple of months, which was timely.

Two weeks after the humiliating "unveiling," our birthdays came up. The Punk's b-day is 2 days before mine, so we had a movie party for him one week, then one for me the next week. I was in full defense mode, and refused to hide out to avoid him, since he was the liar and I wasn't going to miss hanging out with our friends just because he's an ass. Well...he brought the new girlfriend to that first party. I am not sure what he was trying to accomplish there, because everyone knew what had transpired the last time we'd all been together, I just don't think Rob knew how severely she and I had fallen out. It was torturous, and I was glad when the woman left, since she was fairly hostile to me the entire time.

The next time I saw them was months later at Quaker Steak and Lube, and she was outright bellicose. I avoided her completely, and cursed Rob a fool for being involved with someone like her. Luckily she never came to gaming again so I was able to continue that with our group of friends, even if I had to endure the Punk's presence.

Over the months I know things have been really hard for Rob, even though I don't spend time with him or talk to him. Others of us reduced the girlfriend to the "Black Widow Spider" conversationally, and left it at that. There was a time when Rob showed up to gaming looking like someone beat the shit out of him, and he refused to say what happened...but somehow it involved her, so that was just IT for me. I was less pissed about his malfeasance by this time so I just got worried for him. I even thought about trying to get him to date me again just to get him out of her clutches, even though by this time I was seeing just how wrong he and I had been for each other all those years.
I finally came to the conclusion that he is an adult and if he chooses to fuck up his life with someone who abuses him or is wrong for him, then it's his choice and I gave up and moved on.

Stardate: Tonight.
I realized when we were talking that I was going to be completely honest and let him know how hurt I was by what he did and how he acted, consequences be damned.
He fucking apologized. Blow me over with a slight wind. We talked about everything, including my concerns about whether this woman is taking advantage of him or being abusive. Apparently everything is okay, except that she was wounded horribly by what I said and still isn't over it, and has some insecurity complex. Plus- she just isn't accepted by the group, and neither she nor Rob know what to do anymore.

If I've misjudged this woman, then I need to help her transition into our group. When I was newly with Rob, I was accepted without hesitation. Apparently Rob has tried a lot of different things to ease her transition, but every plan has backfired on him and her. Mostly I think she's made such a bad impression that there's hardly a way for her to redeem herself unless I do something to help. If it's a mistake and she's actually some awful person...then it'll get sussed. If she's simply misunderstood in her insecurities, then my karma will reap the benefits, and she'll at least have the appearance of me in her corner.
After my long talk with Rob I am okay with giving it a try. Back in November she just bit off more than she could chew, but I didn't know my anger could have such lasting effects. I feel like I owe it to her to try again, this time on equal footing. I don't want anyone miserable and ostracized on my account, which is the case according to Rob.

I'm very glad that I had this opportunity to hopefully right a wrong if that's what it is...and I fucking hope I'm not getting fished in because I'm a sap. After 4+ years I would say I know Rob inside and out, and he was sincere. He totally fucked up where I'm concerned, and because he apologized I'm willing to let it be bygones. I'm awful at holding grudges. Besides, I wouldn't be so pissed about him being hurt if I didn't retain any feelings for him as a friend. What we had romantically dwindled away long ago (and honestly it was never amazing), and I was able to see things objectively tonight. He just wants his girlfriend to feel accepted and less insecure where I'm concerned, and he wants me to forgive him and be his good friend again.

It's astonishing that I want the same thing. I'm just not angry anymore.