screaming into the abyss

Do you ever have that feeling when you're talking to someone and your face begins to heat up, your skin feels hot, and you want to bash your head into the nearest wall? It's the rise in blood pressure as the result of paroxysms of extreme rage because some fucking moron is trying to fuck up your day. Well this time I at least set things straight, AGAIN, at the pharmacy we use. This fucknut delivery driver attempted to drop off someone's medications at the wrong address, and then argued with me about it. The address was in magic marker on the FRONT of the bag, and he was insisting he drop it off with me, 23 miles away from the address, anyway. Fuck that. I sent him away and called the manager. Again. I hope that fucker gets canned. Apparently the delivery bagger discussed this with him about 20 minutes before he showed up here, and said exactly what I told him, and showed him the address on the bag, and gave him specific instructions. So when I called, pissed off again, she apologized three times and said she's going to the higher management about this one. The driver is obviously trying to pull something over on someone and because I happened to be on scene it didn't happen. He was pissed off at me at the time, and I can bet he'll be even more pissed off that I am getting him in trouble. Fuck him. What an asshole.

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT????

SENATE PANEL SUBPOENAS ROVE!!!!

Thu Jul 26, 2007 1:15PM EDT

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The chairman of the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee said on Thursday he had subpoenaed two more White House aides, including political adviser Karl Rove, in the probe of fired federal prosecutors.

"This is not a step I take lightly," Sen. Patrick Leahy declared in a Senate speech.

It was yet another salvo in the ongoing dispute with the White House. Congress appears headed toward a court fight with President George W. Bush, who has claimed executive privilege in refusing to provide documents or testimony by current or former aides, now including Rove and deputy political director Jay Jennings.

"For over four months, I've exhausted every avenue, sought the voluntary cooperation of Karl Rove and J. Scott Jennings, but to no avail," Leahy said.

ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD ONCE AGAIN.

according to me after a lot of wine

What is this that we call Reality? I hear a lot these days about spiritual v. physical and whether it's better to stay delusional or get with what's solid and before you. I'm not torn about whether there is a deity overseeing us - I'm damn certain that's made up so people will feel reassured about things that they have no control over. That led to religion, which in turn led to fanatics, which in turn led to laws that threaten my autonomy which in turn led to me, Tidalgrrrl, becoming a raving feminist in order to protect myself. Besides that, it's smarter. Feminism is good for everyone.

Now back to the spiritual/physical thing. Since I was a very (and I mean under two years) small child I've been able to see things that aren't really there. Barring lead poisoning or mental illness I figured out, eventually, that these were not on the physical plane. I started seeing things in the daytime as well as the night, and sometimes they were animals or people. Sometimes they were a mixture of both, and boy did that ever send me into fits. I became terrified of the dark, and I still have night terrors related to things I've seen and things that have attacked me (with witnesses sometimes) and left bruises and scratches.

I'm an atheist. I don't believe in a deity - or deities. I get upset that people try to impose their made-up religions on me, but otherwise I figure everyone has his own truth, so I respect that people would like to believe in a god. I used to want to believe too. I thought that there had to be a god if there were spirits, and since there are spirits cause I've seen them, then ergo, a god, right? Ipso Facto. Well, that didn't actually turn out like I thought, and over time I discovered that spirituality doesn't have thing one to do with whether a god or gods exist. Spirits exist, I believe, because of energy. If anything, this energy would speak more of science, and less of god or gods.

I have never understood why I see spirits, or why my father had so many instances growing up where he saw spirits (once of a giant cat), or why my mother could and did predict so many tragedies for her loved ones. I have to think that it's got something to do with tuning. I probably am on a specific wavelength that allows me to see weird shit. Since my parents did too, then I guess I lay blame at their feet. In one case specifically there is a spirit that has been seen by almost every member of my family, and it routinely attacks them at least once before the age of thirteen. My sister seemed to see it as a wolf, and was torn up on her legs with scratches and bites, although a wolf coming into a bedroom in the middle of suburban San Diego with no evidence of entry or exit, but three people seeing and one with wounds - that doesn't sound made up to me. I was too young and didn't see that occasion, but later on I was chased out of that same room and refused to ever sleep there again - and I was two. According to my mom (and my own faulty memory) I saw a man who was hanging from the closet like the cartoon character Spiderman, but real. That still freaks me out sometimes if I think about it too much.

So I'm an atheist who believes in spirituality - at least as an energy thing - because I've seen it. I've been there. If not I don't think I would believe it, and as my Dad says (about one of our homes) he doesn't believe in ghosts - except for that farmhouse!

I've come to the realization that the existence of a god or gods doesn't have a thing to do with where our spirits go when we die. Hell, even when we don't. Astral travel, anyone? I've done it. I don't know how this changes my life, but I wanted to clarify for myself. I don't know if I've done that but if not I guess I'll be writing again.

Hoo Boy

That was a doozy of a mood yesterday. I'm glad I didn't really have to do much except work until late. I had to go over and stay with a couple of guys who needed help with dinner, meds, some personal cares (catheter, etc. , no biggie) and it was pretty relaxing. Normally they have a staff person who lives there and does all that but she was gone on some family emergency thing. The biggest stressor was when the oven wouldn't turn on and I had to cook the chicken for dinner in a pan. WhoaMahGawd, save me. I knitted and watched reality t.v. which was kind of weird for me since I never watch that stuff or even have my boob tube on. I was curious though, about Dog the Bounty Hunter and then the KISS family jewels. I liked both shows, and I also fit in some C.S.I. (Vegas, Grissom, you know it baby).

Long story short I mellowed the fuck out. I can bet you're all relieved.

can I just be a fucking island again?

I think there was a time when I felt lonely. I thought I wanted to get involved with people and life. I'm just no fucking good at it. I should have thought of that first. All I do is lame-out and disappoint. I say that I want to do something when I just really want to be alone, so then I back out and look like a flake. I'm fucking trying here...but I really don't see a way. Usually it's only the BF that doesn't annoy me of everyone I know, but even he's on my last nerve today. I hate people. I've tried to overcome it and it can't be done. I hate people and I have a job where I not only have to be around people, but I have to dumb myself down and be nice to them, and pretend that I don't want to stab them with sharp objects. I don't want to be fucking nice to anyone. I feel crappy and I want everyone else to feel crappy too - but it's not fair when people don't deserve it and I want to dump anyway.

I am supposed to be some kind of nice person because I'm in human services and I work with the disabled. I call bullshit to that. I have to keep the staff working at the homes so I make myself pretend to be nice. I just care if they work so that I will have less to worry about. Just do the fucking work and don't bother me with personal shit. Of course I don't what else I could do for work, even though I fucking hate what I do. I'm miserable. I drink too much because I can't sleep at night. I'm in pain all the time from my fucking disease and yet I'm supposed to cheerfully do everything right for everyone, and on top of that I'm supposed to find time to make happy nice-nice for people to read on the web too. Oh fuck that.

I am really fucking sick of the lowest common denominator making policy for my country. These asshole Godbags pass laws that say I don't have access to my own body parts in whatever way I want. These asshole Godbags telling me they are sooooooo sorrrrrrrry for me that I can't share in their fucking delusions. Fuck you. I don't need it. I also don't need your condescending bullshit laid at my feet. Keep your fucking insane delusions, and stop telling me what to do by trying to pass laws that keep women in chains. These asshole Godbags go around and get all up in arms that anyone could say the word christofascist or christianist, or that anyone would actually insist on being rooted in reality for herself. Fuck you. I'm sick of trying to be nice. And I'm sick to death of debating the god issue with delusional fucktards. There is no fucking god and you're a delusional fuckwit. Period. I'm sick of people bringing it up to bother me.

You could say that this might be a low point for me. I usually handle things much better, but it seems like the perfect storm of me feeling put upon and pissy and hungover and sick of being jerked around by just about everyone in my life. I should be happy because I've got a place to live and I can pay my rent and I'm pretty fucking chubby so I've got enough to eat, and there's a significant other who cares about me, so what the fuck am I so miserable about?
Well for one thing I hate working with people and yet I am tied to my job because of health insurance and besides that what else do I fucking know how to do? I don't know what I can even do differently. I'm stuck where I am and I usually make do because what's the use of getting upset anyway. I don't even know what to change so it's stupid to make a big deal out of it.

Today I'm upset because I was stupid enough to play along with someone else's happy fairy tales of the future and when I realized how gullible I was being I lost it. I fooled myself into feeling hopeful and that SUCKS when you have to come back down hard. At least when I know things suck and always will suck I can handle it. It's believing even for a minute that things can change or that I deserve to have them change that kills me. I should have known better and just put a stop to the entire conversation last night but I was in a mood and I didn't. So I felt hopeful until he said the words that reminded me of the reality and I was crushed. I can't even blame the other person because I'm the one who played along. I'm the one who wanted to feel that my life can be different. So it's all on me that I feel so shitty now. It hurts when I realize how stupid I can be.

Reality is really for the weak - that way we don't get disappointed. If I don't hope or trust then I won't be hurt. Right now my chest feels like its got a gaping wound. I brought it all on myself.

quizzes...oh quizzes how I love thee

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Florida Adopts Domestic Violence Leave Act

(via Feminist Majority)

A new law recently went into effect in Florida to protect victims of domestic violence from losing their jobs due to necessary time off to seek medical attention or counseling, or to take legal action. Employers with 50 or more employees are now required to provide up to three days off to victims. Compensation for the time off is left to the discretion of the employer. All information about the domestic violence situation is to be kept confidential.

Employees must work for the employer for at least three months in order to receive domestic violence leave. They are also required to give their employer prior notice, unless this requirement is waived by the company or there is an imminent danger to the health or safety of the victim.

"This law clearly is a step forward for victims of domestic violence," Jay Christiansen, the director of programs for the Shelter for Abused Women and Children in Naples Florida, said. "It creates a framework for how businesses should respond to domestic violence, as well as providing Florida's nearly 120,000 annual victims of intimate partner abuse a few days of needed time to address the safety, legal and medical issues they face as they try to rebuild their lives free from abuse."

The law was passed by Florida legislature and signed by Governor Charlie Crist on June.

Media Resources: ABC News 7/2/07; Jackson Lewis 6/21/07

How great is this! Finally, SOMETHING good comes out of Florida and it's not just the average Repugnican scandal. Every state should have a law like this.

Venemous Hussy, Bob Novak says so.

Both Pandagon and Feministing have referred to Bob "douchebag" Novak's comments about hatred of Bush by well, everyone, and women bloggers in particular.

DoucheBob says, “[T]he venom that comes out of the mouths of some of these women, particularly, I’m not trying to be sexist, but they’re so vicious toward him. And I don’t think that really contributes. And also, the bloggers, I don’t read the bloggers very much, but it is really, it’s really vicious.”

Oh but don't forget that he doesn't even READ the blogs - but he is so damn disappointed in all the venom pointed towards King George the Asshat! Those Wimmin' ought ta be shuttin' up and getting his pot pie, dammit!

He hasn't even SEEN vicious. Vicious is me after seven fucking years of having this asshole president and his fucking toadies take away my rights and tell me that I'm less than a person because I don't have a penis as small as theirs.

I could say, Fuck Bob Novak, and Fuck George Bush, but John Stewart really does it better than I ever could.

Q o' t' day:

Voting Republican:

• Character Flaw?

or

• Personality Flaw?

Too many Red-Staters harbor ideas that they are doing what's moral or right when they vote for Republican candidates. These are the same candidates who, without a second thought will work against that voter's best interests. So how does a person still vote for Republican, even though it will directly harm his or her life, liberties, and chances at leading a successful life? It must be a personality flaw. Or you know, those voters are fucking morons.

Another angry rant

I don't know what it is lately but the news seems to get worse all the time. During my workday I listen to CNN radio breaks and I've heard I don't know how many reports about men who kill their entire families and then themselves. Why is this becoming so common all of a sudden? There have been and always will be cowards who abuse their families because we all know they have no dick, and that's what no-dick cowards do. They abuse their families. It seems though, that recently it's just gotten worse, and I'm not sure what that's about. Is it the state of our nation? Is it the unemployment rate? Is it that we are at war and hated all over the globe? Is it women's rights making already cowardly men feel even more threatened and then murderous? I really want the answers. It's been something that's been preying on my mind for a while now.

It's not something new. I heard about this guy, and thought maybe he was just nuts. I mean, he gets angry about a copier machine and gets ballistic? Ok. Psycho.

But really - I did a simple Google search about men who kill their families and I got literally thousands of hits. This is not uncommon, or as recent as I thought. We all remember the Texas shooter in the tower, and he killed his family before going on that rampage too, and that was back in 1966! That is hardly recent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just becoming more sensitive to it.

I think about the people with whom I've been involved and it occurs to me that I could have easily been in the newspaper for a minute one day when my ex-asshole-bastard killed me and what family we had, if I'd have stayed. Honestly though that isn't where I'm coming from. I'm just truly baffled about why there is so much violence against entire families by these men who are supposed to (if not love and care for them) at least not just blow them all away one day just for the fuck of it!

I know that violence against women and children is and has always been common, because cowardly assholes will always search for the easiest target. And no, I won't ever give an abuser the benefit of the doubt. No, I will not ever say he was confused or lost his temper once. No. All abusers are cowardly assholes who don't get a pass from me. Ever.

I still don't know why this is bothering me quite so much right now. I think it's the rising number of news stories that are casually thrown out on a daily basis. I hear this same story, over and over, about "Man kills family, then Self," it seems almost two or three times a week. A few weeks ago I heard a story and thought it was the same one being reported, but when I looked it up it was a new one. These are new and different numerous reports all the time.

Double-you, Tee, Eff?? This really bothers me. It's getting worse all the time, too. What is this a symptom of, whiny men who can't handle their lives? Well so fucking what, neither can we women, but we soldier on, goddammit! Whiny, infantile men who can't accept their wives' success, as in this Illinois man a little while ago?

Well grow the fuck up, assholes!! Why the fuck do these cowardly fucks feel so fucking threatened by women?? Is it the Christofascist Right who lies to them about where a woman belongs?? Is it this campaign to demonize feminism in the eyes of the unwashed masses?? I cannot believe that would cause all these men to murder their families.

Gah! I need a Valium.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...aaaand the hits just keep on coming! (redux)

What's that you say???
Moooooore Repugnicans caught in scandal after preaching morality to us cretins??
Scuse me while I sit back and chortle.
You can read this to pass the time.

Or, you know, this. Cause it's really ironic.

It's about fucking time.

LA Firefighter Wins $6.2 Million Harassment Case

In the largest in a series of recent discrimination cases against the Los Angeles Fire Department, a jury sided with a woman firefighter who said she endured harassment on account of her gender, race, and sexual orientation. In addition to her $6.2 million award, Brenda Lee also won $2,500 in punitive damages by the same court.

Lee, 39, who served at Station 96 in the Chatsworth area of Los Angeles, claimed that her superiors made derogatory remarks about her and forced her to participate in arduous drills without adherence to proper safety protocols.

Additional harassment allegations included the mixing of urine into her mouthwash, (bolded text by me) Lee told the AP. However, when she sued the LAFD for discrimination in 2005 she was promptly declared unfit for duty.

The AP also reports that two others firefighters who worked with Lee have won jury awards after filing lawsuits contending that they were punished for supporting her.

This chaps my ass. I mean, yeah, good, finally those asshats will answer to the tune of millions of dollars, but jesus christ look what it took her to finally see some justice done!!

how friggin' long have I looked for THIS!?

Man, I loved Blazing Saddles.

Here's your assignment.

See it.

Now.

(via)

happiness and birthdays

Dad's in a Mustang, Woo!

Happy Birthday, Xerox!!

You're 17, old man. I love you!!

sunday, bloody sunday -

How was your Sunday? Mine sucked. I spent five hours in the hospital ER after days of wrenching pain sent me there. Besides an i.v. saline drip and some painkiller (never enough) they sent me home with a prescription for Prilosec and some Vicodin and said I should call my doctor to be seen. I already have an appointment for this coming Friday so that's covered at least. It feels like I have an ulcer along with a flare-up of my Crohn's.

As usual my honey was more than great, and he even bought me a chocolate malt on the way home. And I'm a crab-ass today. HUGE crab-ass. I need to talk to nobody and no one for the rest of the day and I might be okay. Plus I took a Vicodin already and once that kicks in I'll be asleep. I arranged for tomorrow off work unless I suddenly feel better, which I doubt will happen. Between the steroids I had to start on Friday and my weekly dose of meds for the Crohn's I'm a basket case.

I wasn't admitted to the hospital because my blood work came back fine, and my white blood count was normal too. I hope it's just an ulcer because those are pretty easily fixed. I'm kind of upset that my Crohn's decided to flare up because I have only really been feeling good since around March. Four months isn't long enough to get myself back in order. I need longer than that!

Friday Feminism

Woman is the N****r of the World

John Lennon

Woman is the n****r of the world
Yes she is...think about it
Woman is the n****r of the world
Think about it...do something about it

We make her paint her face and dance
If she won’t be a slave, we say that she don’t love us
If she’s real, we say she’s trying to be a man
While putting her down we pretend that she is above us

Woman is the n****r of the world...yes she is
If you don’t believe me take a look at the one you’re with
Woman is the slave of the slaves
Ah yeah...better scream about it

We make her bear and raise our children
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother then
We tell her home is the only place she would be
Then we complain that she’s too unworldly to be our friend

Woman is the n****r of the world...yes she is
If you don’t believe me take a look at the one you’re with
Woman is the slave of the slaves
Yeah (think about it)

We insult her everyday on TV
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence
When she’s young we kill her will to be free
While telling her not to be so smart we put her down for being so dumb

Woman is the n****rof the world...yes she is
If you don’t believe me take a look at the one you’re with
Woman is the slaves of the slaves
Yes she is...if you believe me, you better scream about it.

We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance

If you're offended by Lennon's use of the "n" word,
read this.

I censored my own damn blog because I personally do not like the word, but I can get behind a lot of John's (and Yoko's because the phrase was hers) statements in the song. And if I do it, is it considered censorship? Food for thought.

I love Keith Olberman. Via Pandagon

This completely blew my mind.

Happy Independence Day.

I'm not gonna apologize for it -

But I hate fucking assholes who believe they have the right to harass people because of an invisible sky fairies. There's another blog that refers to these people as Godbags. Now, personally I don't give a rat's ass what a person believes as long as they a. don't force it on me, and b. don't use it as an excuse to hurt people.

Example for the week:

There is a man who lives in town here, and he was literally chased out of a public park on Friday for being gay. The man who did the chasing did it because (he said) he is Catholic and Catholics don't put up with fags. Did I mention to you yet that this gay man is a paraplegic with cerebral palsy and was in a fucking wheelchair? He was minding his own business and enjoying the weather and this asshole Godbag decided to run him out of a public fucking park.

After the man escaped and went home to call the police he phoned the GLBT network here and was told that it's happening more and more in our town, and especially in that park. Well, it makes me want to go to that park with a giant sign that says "Pick on someone who's not in a wheelchair, and watch her kick your ass, motherfucker!" and see what happens.

I'm so angry about this that I hardly know what to do. Some of my clients are gay, and others are straight. All of them have disabilities. I'm so sick of people deciding that these quality people deserve to be abused because they are lesser-abled. I've been in the field working with all types of people with differing disabilities for about 12 years. Not all of them look like they have problems. However, if someone is in a goddamn wheelchair, wouldn't it take an enormous fucking coward to attack him or her? Especially while screaming about being religious? This sickens me, and I feel like stalking masses around town until I find the fucker.

Religion leads people to evil acts. Period.