can I just be a fucking island again?

I think there was a time when I felt lonely. I thought I wanted to get involved with people and life. I'm just no fucking good at it. I should have thought of that first. All I do is lame-out and disappoint. I say that I want to do something when I just really want to be alone, so then I back out and look like a flake. I'm fucking trying here...but I really don't see a way. Usually it's only the BF that doesn't annoy me of everyone I know, but even he's on my last nerve today. I hate people. I've tried to overcome it and it can't be done. I hate people and I have a job where I not only have to be around people, but I have to dumb myself down and be nice to them, and pretend that I don't want to stab them with sharp objects. I don't want to be fucking nice to anyone. I feel crappy and I want everyone else to feel crappy too - but it's not fair when people don't deserve it and I want to dump anyway.

I am supposed to be some kind of nice person because I'm in human services and I work with the disabled. I call bullshit to that. I have to keep the staff working at the homes so I make myself pretend to be nice. I just care if they work so that I will have less to worry about. Just do the fucking work and don't bother me with personal shit. Of course I don't what else I could do for work, even though I fucking hate what I do. I'm miserable. I drink too much because I can't sleep at night. I'm in pain all the time from my fucking disease and yet I'm supposed to cheerfully do everything right for everyone, and on top of that I'm supposed to find time to make happy nice-nice for people to read on the web too. Oh fuck that.

I am really fucking sick of the lowest common denominator making policy for my country. These asshole Godbags pass laws that say I don't have access to my own body parts in whatever way I want. These asshole Godbags telling me they are sooooooo sorrrrrrrry for me that I can't share in their fucking delusions. Fuck you. I don't need it. I also don't need your condescending bullshit laid at my feet. Keep your fucking insane delusions, and stop telling me what to do by trying to pass laws that keep women in chains. These asshole Godbags go around and get all up in arms that anyone could say the word christofascist or christianist, or that anyone would actually insist on being rooted in reality for herself. Fuck you. I'm sick of trying to be nice. And I'm sick to death of debating the god issue with delusional fucktards. There is no fucking god and you're a delusional fuckwit. Period. I'm sick of people bringing it up to bother me.

You could say that this might be a low point for me. I usually handle things much better, but it seems like the perfect storm of me feeling put upon and pissy and hungover and sick of being jerked around by just about everyone in my life. I should be happy because I've got a place to live and I can pay my rent and I'm pretty fucking chubby so I've got enough to eat, and there's a significant other who cares about me, so what the fuck am I so miserable about?
Well for one thing I hate working with people and yet I am tied to my job because of health insurance and besides that what else do I fucking know how to do? I don't know what I can even do differently. I'm stuck where I am and I usually make do because what's the use of getting upset anyway. I don't even know what to change so it's stupid to make a big deal out of it.

Today I'm upset because I was stupid enough to play along with someone else's happy fairy tales of the future and when I realized how gullible I was being I lost it. I fooled myself into feeling hopeful and that SUCKS when you have to come back down hard. At least when I know things suck and always will suck I can handle it. It's believing even for a minute that things can change or that I deserve to have them change that kills me. I should have known better and just put a stop to the entire conversation last night but I was in a mood and I didn't. So I felt hopeful until he said the words that reminded me of the reality and I was crushed. I can't even blame the other person because I'm the one who played along. I'm the one who wanted to feel that my life can be different. So it's all on me that I feel so shitty now. It hurts when I realize how stupid I can be.

Reality is really for the weak - that way we don't get disappointed. If I don't hope or trust then I won't be hurt. Right now my chest feels like its got a gaping wound. I brought it all on myself.

guitar for dummies!

So, yep! This is what I'm using - the dvd for dummies version. I'm proud to say that I've learned enough chords to be in a band! Well, a BAD ONE. It's harder to sing along than I previously thought. And, my fingers HURT. Damn!

Otherwise life is good - the BF and I got back to the gym and I'm "...feeling stronger evvvvery day!" (Name that tune, Homey!) ;)
Work is okay - nothing is really stressing me out which is a good thing. I have been in the throes of a weird antibiotic-Crohn's pain icky bout all day so about 3pm I had to leave work and pass out until another round of cramps and pain and not leaving the bathroom.

But! The reason I had to take antibiotics is because I went for my regular dental cleaning and I got another pass from the doctor!!


No cavities!! I'm really diggin that. No visits until December. Wahoo!

Just don't show me a jar of pickles

So I'm watching a show on PBS about foster parents for dogs and I'm bawling my eyes out. These dogs are so amazingly cute and I'm just so happy to see these people helping all these beautiful animals. The couple they highlighted started out fostering pets from the local humane society, but then struck out and started their own fostering organization called S.T.A.R.S. People like this should get all the thanks in the world, and I want a dog! On the show they talked about chihuahuas a lot, and showed a bunch of different types of the small dog. When I was a kid I grew up around lots and lots of those dogs - my grandmother always had at least two or three running around, and I fell in love with them. There was Cuddles when I was 5, then LadyBug and Tiny and Feisty, who were her pups and grand-pups. What awesome pets. I miss LadyBug. She died when I was about 16. She was your typical chihuahua - black with some white on one of her paws. She would sit in a person's arms and just talk. She talked a lot, it was sort of a "ruhrr...ruhrr" kind of talking, not barking or whining, but really talking. She'd put her face up to yours and just talk away. It was precious.

Ok, now that I've completely blown my tough chick image I will present myself for some well earned teasing. Commence.