can I just be a fucking island again?

I think there was a time when I felt lonely. I thought I wanted to get involved with people and life. I'm just no fucking good at it. I should have thought of that first. All I do is lame-out and disappoint. I say that I want to do something when I just really want to be alone, so then I back out and look like a flake. I'm fucking trying here...but I really don't see a way. Usually it's only the BF that doesn't annoy me of everyone I know, but even he's on my last nerve today. I hate people. I've tried to overcome it and it can't be done. I hate people and I have a job where I not only have to be around people, but I have to dumb myself down and be nice to them, and pretend that I don't want to stab them with sharp objects. I don't want to be fucking nice to anyone. I feel crappy and I want everyone else to feel crappy too - but it's not fair when people don't deserve it and I want to dump anyway.

I am supposed to be some kind of nice person because I'm in human services and I work with the disabled. I call bullshit to that. I have to keep the staff working at the homes so I make myself pretend to be nice. I just care if they work so that I will have less to worry about. Just do the fucking work and don't bother me with personal shit. Of course I don't what else I could do for work, even though I fucking hate what I do. I'm miserable. I drink too much because I can't sleep at night. I'm in pain all the time from my fucking disease and yet I'm supposed to cheerfully do everything right for everyone, and on top of that I'm supposed to find time to make happy nice-nice for people to read on the web too. Oh fuck that.

I am really fucking sick of the lowest common denominator making policy for my country. These asshole Godbags pass laws that say I don't have access to my own body parts in whatever way I want. These asshole Godbags telling me they are sooooooo sorrrrrrrry for me that I can't share in their fucking delusions. Fuck you. I don't need it. I also don't need your condescending bullshit laid at my feet. Keep your fucking insane delusions, and stop telling me what to do by trying to pass laws that keep women in chains. These asshole Godbags go around and get all up in arms that anyone could say the word christofascist or christianist, or that anyone would actually insist on being rooted in reality for herself. Fuck you. I'm sick of trying to be nice. And I'm sick to death of debating the god issue with delusional fucktards. There is no fucking god and you're a delusional fuckwit. Period. I'm sick of people bringing it up to bother me.

You could say that this might be a low point for me. I usually handle things much better, but it seems like the perfect storm of me feeling put upon and pissy and hungover and sick of being jerked around by just about everyone in my life. I should be happy because I've got a place to live and I can pay my rent and I'm pretty fucking chubby so I've got enough to eat, and there's a significant other who cares about me, so what the fuck am I so miserable about?
Well for one thing I hate working with people and yet I am tied to my job because of health insurance and besides that what else do I fucking know how to do? I don't know what I can even do differently. I'm stuck where I am and I usually make do because what's the use of getting upset anyway. I don't even know what to change so it's stupid to make a big deal out of it.

Today I'm upset because I was stupid enough to play along with someone else's happy fairy tales of the future and when I realized how gullible I was being I lost it. I fooled myself into feeling hopeful and that SUCKS when you have to come back down hard. At least when I know things suck and always will suck I can handle it. It's believing even for a minute that things can change or that I deserve to have them change that kills me. I should have known better and just put a stop to the entire conversation last night but I was in a mood and I didn't. So I felt hopeful until he said the words that reminded me of the reality and I was crushed. I can't even blame the other person because I'm the one who played along. I'm the one who wanted to feel that my life can be different. So it's all on me that I feel so shitty now. It hurts when I realize how stupid I can be.

Reality is really for the weak - that way we don't get disappointed. If I don't hope or trust then I won't be hurt. Right now my chest feels like its got a gaping wound. I brought it all on myself.

Another angry rant

I don't know what it is lately but the news seems to get worse all the time. During my workday I listen to CNN radio breaks and I've heard I don't know how many reports about men who kill their entire families and then themselves. Why is this becoming so common all of a sudden? There have been and always will be cowards who abuse their families because we all know they have no dick, and that's what no-dick cowards do. They abuse their families. It seems though, that recently it's just gotten worse, and I'm not sure what that's about. Is it the state of our nation? Is it the unemployment rate? Is it that we are at war and hated all over the globe? Is it women's rights making already cowardly men feel even more threatened and then murderous? I really want the answers. It's been something that's been preying on my mind for a while now.

It's not something new. I heard about this guy, and thought maybe he was just nuts. I mean, he gets angry about a copier machine and gets ballistic? Ok. Psycho.

But really - I did a simple Google search about men who kill their families and I got literally thousands of hits. This is not uncommon, or as recent as I thought. We all remember the Texas shooter in the tower, and he killed his family before going on that rampage too, and that was back in 1966! That is hardly recent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just becoming more sensitive to it.

I think about the people with whom I've been involved and it occurs to me that I could have easily been in the newspaper for a minute one day when my ex-asshole-bastard killed me and what family we had, if I'd have stayed. Honestly though that isn't where I'm coming from. I'm just truly baffled about why there is so much violence against entire families by these men who are supposed to (if not love and care for them) at least not just blow them all away one day just for the fuck of it!

I know that violence against women and children is and has always been common, because cowardly assholes will always search for the easiest target. And no, I won't ever give an abuser the benefit of the doubt. No, I will not ever say he was confused or lost his temper once. No. All abusers are cowardly assholes who don't get a pass from me. Ever.

I still don't know why this is bothering me quite so much right now. I think it's the rising number of news stories that are casually thrown out on a daily basis. I hear this same story, over and over, about "Man kills family, then Self," it seems almost two or three times a week. A few weeks ago I heard a story and thought it was the same one being reported, but when I looked it up it was a new one. These are new and different numerous reports all the time.

Double-you, Tee, Eff?? This really bothers me. It's getting worse all the time, too. What is this a symptom of, whiny men who can't handle their lives? Well so fucking what, neither can we women, but we soldier on, goddammit! Whiny, infantile men who can't accept their wives' success, as in this Illinois man a little while ago?

Well grow the fuck up, assholes!! Why the fuck do these cowardly fucks feel so fucking threatened by women?? Is it the Christofascist Right who lies to them about where a woman belongs?? Is it this campaign to demonize feminism in the eyes of the unwashed masses?? I cannot believe that would cause all these men to murder their families.

Gah! I need a Valium.

I'm not gonna apologize for it -

But I hate fucking assholes who believe they have the right to harass people because of an invisible sky fairies. There's another blog that refers to these people as Godbags. Now, personally I don't give a rat's ass what a person believes as long as they a. don't force it on me, and b. don't use it as an excuse to hurt people.

Example for the week:

There is a man who lives in town here, and he was literally chased out of a public park on Friday for being gay. The man who did the chasing did it because (he said) he is Catholic and Catholics don't put up with fags. Did I mention to you yet that this gay man is a paraplegic with cerebral palsy and was in a fucking wheelchair? He was minding his own business and enjoying the weather and this asshole Godbag decided to run him out of a public fucking park.

After the man escaped and went home to call the police he phoned the GLBT network here and was told that it's happening more and more in our town, and especially in that park. Well, it makes me want to go to that park with a giant sign that says "Pick on someone who's not in a wheelchair, and watch her kick your ass, motherfucker!" and see what happens.

I'm so angry about this that I hardly know what to do. Some of my clients are gay, and others are straight. All of them have disabilities. I'm so sick of people deciding that these quality people deserve to be abused because they are lesser-abled. I've been in the field working with all types of people with differing disabilities for about 12 years. Not all of them look like they have problems. However, if someone is in a goddamn wheelchair, wouldn't it take an enormous fucking coward to attack him or her? Especially while screaming about being religious? This sickens me, and I feel like stalking masses around town until I find the fucker.

Religion leads people to evil acts. Period.

family and ways to die

My auntie (Becky) has cancer and has gone home to the family to die. She's being taken care of by my other aunties along with hospice workers. She's staying with Cathleen, and Lue and Debra are helping out. Becky is smoking like a chimney and has basically given up. Lue (my father's twin) is a fixer, and she's remarkably like me. Well, I'm remarkably like her, since she came first.

She isn't handling well the idea that anyone can just give up and die. She has a special heat bed that she has been foisting on her family, and she has been suggesting different things such as vitamins and healthy foods in order to help Becky get better. Some other aunties are giving her the smackdown for it. They are giving her such a hard time because she cares enough to try. I know you're wondering how many aunties I have. Well, it's a bunch.

There are ten aunts and uncles, and seven are female. Yikes. Anyway - Lue is driving herself batshit over this, and I feel her pain. I've been as supportive as I can, and I've been trying to help her fend off the bad aunties and crazy cousins who are basically psychotic on our family website. Ann Marie is the worst auntie, and Gail has been a fucking psycho for some time. She has really been off the edge since I have known her. It's incredibly hard for anyone to deal with death, especially when the person and the caregivers have totally given up and seem resigned to it when there is hope.

My mom and I didn't get along until right until the end before she died, and she wasn't doing anything to prolong her life at that point. She knew she was going to die and didn't care and god that really PISSED ME OFF! I mean, I was only a kid, what was I going to do? I couldn't convince her to get on the list for a heart transplant, or surgery to get a defibrillator like the one I've got. She wanted to die.

I ended up deciding to go and visit her and really just spend quality time with her for her last birthday (she died 6 months later). It drove me crazy how sick she was, and she was concerned about making sure she gave me things she wanted me to have before it was too late. My lesson there was that she had made up her mind she was okay to die regardless of the fact that she had me, Tina, Julie and Dave as well as Chris and Angela who were 11 & 9 who still needed a parent.

I know she decided a long time ago that she was done being a mom to me, I remember her saying that her "kids were grown" so she could go and have a life, but I was 9 at the time. That's hardly grown.

My point is she didn't care who she left and didn't care that she was going to die and she could have stopped it. She did not have to die the way she did. She did not have to leave before she and I worked our shit out. I spent years just being so fucking angry with her that she never gave us a chance to get our shit straight. What kind of mother does that?? Jesus Christ. I'm still so fucking angry that she didn't care enough to live.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

Finally the truth comes out!!

I'm not saying they are right, but fucking-A! =D

I've arrived!

And by that I mean I received some hate mail, finally. Assholes. Actually the first one was "Concern Troll" mail that expounded upon my sickness for you know, having a brain and thinking critically about the world. But I must have come from a broken home. So! I told him in no uncertain terms that he should fuck off, and I ended it there. The VERY NEXT email was again purporting to be anonymous, and it was some kind of spam attempt at Democrat-bashing humor. I also told him to fuck off, after letting him know that those emails aren't exactly anonymous, I mean, duh! So two directly in a row, both with attempts at anonymity. That's really not how the internets work. It's so easy to find IP addresses and real names. However, because of my seemingly newfound popularity among idiots I will be more careful about my personal info. I have had, in the past, another email from the Fuckwit Concern Troll, but I ignored it. I was glad to at least get the chance to tell him to fuck off. That felt good.