can I just be a fucking island again?

I think there was a time when I felt lonely. I thought I wanted to get involved with people and life. I'm just no fucking good at it. I should have thought of that first. All I do is lame-out and disappoint. I say that I want to do something when I just really want to be alone, so then I back out and look like a flake. I'm fucking trying here...but I really don't see a way. Usually it's only the BF that doesn't annoy me of everyone I know, but even he's on my last nerve today. I hate people. I've tried to overcome it and it can't be done. I hate people and I have a job where I not only have to be around people, but I have to dumb myself down and be nice to them, and pretend that I don't want to stab them with sharp objects. I don't want to be fucking nice to anyone. I feel crappy and I want everyone else to feel crappy too - but it's not fair when people don't deserve it and I want to dump anyway.

I am supposed to be some kind of nice person because I'm in human services and I work with the disabled. I call bullshit to that. I have to keep the staff working at the homes so I make myself pretend to be nice. I just care if they work so that I will have less to worry about. Just do the fucking work and don't bother me with personal shit. Of course I don't what else I could do for work, even though I fucking hate what I do. I'm miserable. I drink too much because I can't sleep at night. I'm in pain all the time from my fucking disease and yet I'm supposed to cheerfully do everything right for everyone, and on top of that I'm supposed to find time to make happy nice-nice for people to read on the web too. Oh fuck that.

I am really fucking sick of the lowest common denominator making policy for my country. These asshole Godbags pass laws that say I don't have access to my own body parts in whatever way I want. These asshole Godbags telling me they are sooooooo sorrrrrrrry for me that I can't share in their fucking delusions. Fuck you. I don't need it. I also don't need your condescending bullshit laid at my feet. Keep your fucking insane delusions, and stop telling me what to do by trying to pass laws that keep women in chains. These asshole Godbags go around and get all up in arms that anyone could say the word christofascist or christianist, or that anyone would actually insist on being rooted in reality for herself. Fuck you. I'm sick of trying to be nice. And I'm sick to death of debating the god issue with delusional fucktards. There is no fucking god and you're a delusional fuckwit. Period. I'm sick of people bringing it up to bother me.

You could say that this might be a low point for me. I usually handle things much better, but it seems like the perfect storm of me feeling put upon and pissy and hungover and sick of being jerked around by just about everyone in my life. I should be happy because I've got a place to live and I can pay my rent and I'm pretty fucking chubby so I've got enough to eat, and there's a significant other who cares about me, so what the fuck am I so miserable about?
Well for one thing I hate working with people and yet I am tied to my job because of health insurance and besides that what else do I fucking know how to do? I don't know what I can even do differently. I'm stuck where I am and I usually make do because what's the use of getting upset anyway. I don't even know what to change so it's stupid to make a big deal out of it.

Today I'm upset because I was stupid enough to play along with someone else's happy fairy tales of the future and when I realized how gullible I was being I lost it. I fooled myself into feeling hopeful and that SUCKS when you have to come back down hard. At least when I know things suck and always will suck I can handle it. It's believing even for a minute that things can change or that I deserve to have them change that kills me. I should have known better and just put a stop to the entire conversation last night but I was in a mood and I didn't. So I felt hopeful until he said the words that reminded me of the reality and I was crushed. I can't even blame the other person because I'm the one who played along. I'm the one who wanted to feel that my life can be different. So it's all on me that I feel so shitty now. It hurts when I realize how stupid I can be.

Reality is really for the weak - that way we don't get disappointed. If I don't hope or trust then I won't be hurt. Right now my chest feels like its got a gaping wound. I brought it all on myself.

I'm so hungover. WORTH IT!!

My honey loves surf guitar. I do too. As we were biking around Madison yesterday I saw a flyer up that said Dick Dale was going to be at the High Noon!

I said, Honey! Dick Dale, Tonight!

He said, "That's it, we're goin', that's all there is to it, we're fuckin' goin'. " (If you don't recognize this quote, then you may want to re-watch Pulp Fiction.)

We like the High Noon and go there when we know someone who's playing a gig. We biked over and stood in line for a while, and finally they let us in. There were tons of Baby Boomers replete with Jimmy Buffet-Wear (flowered shirts) and also some weirdos that I really enjoyed mocking. There was the Kid Rock impersonator (I shit you not), and what Bill referred to as the "Peg Bundy Meets Trailerpark) if that's not already synonymous.

We drank wayyyyyy too much and then biked home in the cold. I had to wear multiple layers plus his beret because even with the obscene amount of alcohol in me I was shivering and my teeth were chattering too much for me to keep pedaling. It's May, WTF? Anyhoo - We got home roughly around 2:30am, and slept in. Coffee's helping but god-DAMN I don't need to remember how drunk I got. Heh.

Dick Dale, y'all!