ah fer christ's sake...

I guess that's in my mind because I've said it all day at work in a Fargo accent. What a great movie. First time I saw it was unimpressed with it, and thought the Coen bros. were smoking too much dope, or not enough, because that whole movie depressed the hell out of me. I thought the William H. Macy character was really slimy...and it was painful to watch him slip down into that muck of family betrayal, or whatever bullshit he got mixed up into. I liked seeing MN in the movie...except where they filmed a lot of the scenes was in places I never went often, like Plymouth. I went to the Olive Garden in Plymouth once, and they served me a burned (crispy black) $19 steak. My friend Trish was treating and I was three sheets to the wind on triple vodka/sevens, but I know when to send back food, and if not this time, when? So I got a second steak, which was completely fucking raw. It didn't even bleed, it was so raw. Well I ate the fucker, every bite. I'll say it was "tartar." So I didn't go back to the Plymouth Olive Garden. Now you know why. You probably shouldn't either, with their smartass fucking cooks.

I'm feeling kind of down these days...you know how it is...one week after a break up and you start to really feel the aloneness that was so natural before you had someone calling you up and wanting to spend time with you. I've noticed how nobody touches me, either. I can go days without anyone actually touching me for any reason at all. I've been by turns listless and agitated. I want to injure Jerk but he's not worth it. He didn't do anything but not be right for me. It's not even him I'm angry with, it's me. I'm just too much for people. I'm too intense and probably annoying. Which really boggles me because Jerk really was a lot louder than me, and made me uncomfortable with his displays in public. I guess I was glad he wasn't like punxor, who stifled me 24/7 so I would fit in better with his image of what his girlfriend ought to be like. But even so, I positively cringed when Jerk would do outrageous things in public places, and I felt embarrassed. I liked being with him, but wished he would settle the fuck down. I guess if I was feeling that way, then he for sure wasn't the "one," and it's better that we're not dating. Oh fer christ's sake, there are SOOOOO many reasons that it's better we're not dating. One of them, however, is not that I didn't like the physical contact. That was wonderful, and by god, he just tasted really good ...(pheremone effect most likely). So that leaves me feeling depressed and alone again, after just over a week of things ending with Jerk . Fuck it, I'm calling him Jerk . Just cause it'll piss him off. He's too full of himself anyway. So what do I do with all this angst? I swam tonight and felt pretty darn good. I guess I could work on my supermodel body and then get a man twice as good as anyone I've ever dated. He'll have to be as funny as punxor and randy, as gorgeous as tom, the body of randy (pre-unemployed vicious alcoholic days), and the smarts of I dunno...most of the men I've dated have been really smart, except for randy (dumb as a brick), so I'll find another smart one. Oh! And sexually liberated enough to at least let me have my way with him the way I want to, and not puritanical missionary with zero foreplay that I endured in the dark with Punxor for years. Ah fuck it, liberal in general. So there's my checklist for my new fantasy boyfriend! Fantasy is right, because I'm not convinced one iota that my checklist will or could ever be filled. I know what'll happen...because it just fucking happened with Jerk . Wow! He's good looking? Smart? Sensitive? Kind to retarded men and animals? Politically liberal, and non-homophobic? Last of all...really into me, all the time with the love notes, kissy kissy face, and whatever else I thought I wanted? All right, let's lay this out. Master Bullshitter. Fucking A what a giant bullshit artist!! Gah!!!! I saw what he and I both wanted me to see, which had nothing to do with who the man actually is. Can we say man-whore to little old ladies with lots of cash? If he can lie to them to get what he wants, he sure could lie to me get what he wanted. Of course I'm not sure what that was just yet, but eventually I'll figure it out. What I seriously don't get...is why he told me all that stuff about being a dishonest person. I don't like dishonest people. I can't condone that sort of thing very well. I tried to, really I did, but only to keep having him around until I was done using him in an honest manner.Ok this is good, I haven't lost my sense of humor. I guess I'm okay around sharp objects again. Until next time...Angst Ridden Gen X Single Woman...