Ugh!

There was one fucking thing I really needed to blog about today but for the life of me I cannot recall what the fuck it was. Maybe swearing? Huh.

I am pretty disturbed by my brother's wedding. It's set for the same weekend as another friend is tying the knot so I can't go anyway - but the whole family thing disturbs me. I'm being crushed under the expectation from my father that I will go the four hours' drive and spend all day and night outside in the Minnesota heat with mosquitoes and people I don't like all to keep the peace.

Right.

I've had this discussion with the boyfriend because he knows how forceful my dad can be and he is worried about my well-being if I'm forced to endure a family function. I have had serious issues with family members for years, and cut off all contact with just about everyone a long time ago. Right now I see my Dad (plus step-mom, sister) in San Diego about once a year, and besides that I go onto the family website and talk to a couple of aunties and a cousin. We don't see each other and haven't for years. I'm okay with that.

I don't speak to the rest of my immediate family. My mother's been dead for years. My sisters who live up north in Minnesota are pretty much dead to me already. My brother may as well be too, except for this wedding thing and he's on the family site once in a while.

Last year one of sisters was diagnosed with a nasty cancer and I was contacted by the oldest one so that I could "fix" everything for them like I always had done. I made the mistake of feeling like I was obligated to go up there and visit. I took the BF and went up to the woods of Hickville, Minnesota and boy what a bad move on my part. I was a total depressed mess for months. I couldn't work effectively or deal with anything in my life. I was blowing off everything and everyone because I was such a mess. I could easily say my sister had cancer so it would explain why I was a mess but that was a lie while still being true. I also could have said that I had been in the hospital around the same time my sister had been, plus been diagnosed with UC and on a lot of medications that also messed me up. True, but still I considered it an excuse.

The truth was and is still that my family is dysfunctional and I hate my brother and sisters and don't want to see any of them as long as I live. I have very good reasons for hating them and I may go into it one day.

That I hate them is one thing. That my father, who I do not hate, wants me to spend time with them in order to spend time with him, because he's going to the wedding, is another thing entirely. He wants for the family to get together and go up to the goddamned Reservation and talk about how poor we all were and look at the tar paper shacks that have no electricity or running water. As a kid I wasn't impressed with extreme poverty, and I'm not now either. I don't want to act like the devoted little sister I used to be. I don't want to have to pretend that I don't want to stick a fucking crowbar into my brother's head. I want to be free of the whole mess. I mean, my father left the fucking Rez and went thousands of miles away to California for a REASON. And I don't mean Vietnam. Once he got back he left permanently and could only be bothered to come back when my brother was on the lam after killing someone and we were all in the newspapers and being followed by the FBI for over a month.
He also came back for my wedding - and said my sister's name when he was standing up for me. Thanks a whole fucking lot, Dad. Don't worry, my mother said the wrong name too. It's not like anyone was going to give me any respect, like ever, even on my fucking wedding day.

Yeah. So what I don't need is to spend any time with my family that doesn't involve me flying to the safety and cleanliness of California, renting a car, and being on my own terms.