god DAMN it.

So I found out what the heck happened during my surgery. I saw my doctor today and he pronounced me "fine" and said I "did well" but they couldn't really do the second atrial lead because I was very uncomfortable and apprehensive during the procedure. So what, I asked, does that mean that I freaked out? Cause I don't remember a thing beyond that plastic drape going over my face. Dr. Vic said that he came up incased in lead for the x-rays and apparently (this is just what he says, you can't prove a thing) I was intimidated by him and compared him to a storm trooper. I laughed about that when he said it because it sounds like something I'd say but I don't think I'd be scared, you know?? I was drugged and making jokes, it sounds like. So that's all Vic had to say, but how would that make them not be able to do a procedure??
Another thing he said was that they removed scar tissue from my heart where the original lead is attached. Usually they don't see that in older people, and in my case because I'm so young the thing healed over and was probably headed for impedance. He was not concerned by that because it just indicates I heal well. Also, my incision is almost completely healed and he removed the rest of the bandages.

Ok. I sensed a coverup someplace. When Vic left the room I grabbed my folder and looked for some further info. Well goddamn. According to the notes there was severe difficulty putting me under. I didn't respond to really high doses of two different kinds of medication, and I was awake and crying and feeling the surgery. The lidocaine didn't numb me up I guess and I felt it all. Or said I was feeling it, anyway. I also was having issues with the plastic over my face and said I was claustrophobic. Apparently at some point I had enough and was trying to get up and out. So there was danger with them trying to attach a lead because I was thrashing around, in pain, and apparently panicking about being smothered.

So that's what Vic couldn't (wouldn't) tell me? That I panicked and they couldn't drug me sufficiently? Why not just explain that from the start? He did say that in future any procedures they do will be under general anesthesia instead of the sedation method. Well holy fuck I TOLD them that in the operating room - that they were better off knocking me out!! I don't remember anything so their "forgetting" drugs work. But if they couldn't even *do* the whole procedure because I'm not doped up enough and am in full panic mode then there's a problem with their choice of dope.

No wonder I was so sick from the drugs. They used way more than they would've normally, and that's just stupid. I'm so pissed.