big fucking baby

jesus christ! My father is such a crybaby for a man his age and experience. Why is it that I didn't get an apology for him sending out an email with severed heads in it? How is it that I am so the bad guy because I "had the balls" to say I did not agree with what he said? How is that disloyal and belittling him? I just think that big crybaby can't take it when people disagree with him. People disagree with me all the time and I don't find the need to cut them down and get others to send out hate mail. I just GET IT that people don't always agree, and even if I'm wrong about something, I don't get all bent out of shape about it.
For fucks sake! He was just telling me on the phone last WEEK how much he hates George Bush and Rush Limbaugh and now he's saying God Bless George W.? WTF kind of hypocritical shit is that?! Fucking HELL I'm so pissed right now. I was amazingly hurt by his infantile email that told me to "get over it." Get over WHAT? Something tells me he's referring to his failure at being a father, and disappearing for years and leaving me with my psycho mother's family to be abused. So he's feeling guilty and thinks I'm the one who needs to "get over it?" His bad behaviour has not one thing to do with my response to the email with the severed heads. He went so far as to say that he didn't mean to send it out to everyone on his list -- but then he still says I belittled him. If he's a FUCKING MORON by email, how is it my fault if he's called out about it? All I do is try to get along with my father, but he makes is SO HARD! He sends me shit emails all the time with fucking American eagles and flags and soldier shit and anti-Liberal insulting to me sentiment and who the fuck knows what else. I delete most of it because I don't WANT to be pissed off at him. So he sends out this shit once more and I'm just supposed to suck it up. Again. Or else. Fuck that!
I'm so sorry that he feels like less of a man because he was a complete failure as a father with me. That is not my fault~! I don't throw it back at him ever. He is the one who thinks everything I do revolves around his failure. I forgave that years ago and now I'm a bitch because he feels guilty yet. I'm the one who visits him, and it's definitely not the other way around. I make the effort to call him, and it's definitely not the other way around. I'm the one who constantly looks beyond his asshole behaviour to try to see the little boy inside of him that was kicked around a lot when he was younger, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I do not have the power to erase every bad thing that ever happened to him, and it's definitely not my fault that his life has not been perfect, and I certainly cannot absolve him of the side effects from his past mistakes. That is his own task. I have enough to worry about without massaging his fucking ego at every turn. I turn a deaf ear constantly to his right-wing fucktard rants, and it wears on me! It seems like every person that has done badly by me now expects me to apologize to them so they can feel better about themselves. I'm so fucking sick of it! My whole family is fucked up and it's not my fault. They have abused me for as long as I can recall and still, it's not my fault. It's the fucking abuser mentality - to make the victim feel like it was her fault. Well it never was, and it's not now. Fuck them.

I'm not going to continue to try to make my dad feel better, because he'll only be more horrible to me. If I continue to fight with him, then he'll only be more horrible to me. I tried to apologize and he threw it back in my face. Well I'm not doing that again, but I'm sure as hell not going to give him more ammo for a fight, either. I can't win here. He's gone off the deep end and nothing I do is going to fix it. He likes being pissed off and having someone to blame for his life. Dammit! I hate this whole thing.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss