vacation, please!

I'm simply overwhelmed with life. Nobody can help me and there's no cure for it. I have ceased to cope and I'm falling into a depression. I cannot handle things at work, and I'm ready to walk. I feel like they're ready to fire me because it always seems like there's something that I've done that someone else would have handled differently.

Mike hounds me daily. Even when I'm completely busy he'll find a reason to criticize something I've done, and give me five other things to do. He called me the other day with a crisis, but I was not able to take it on. It was time sensitive, but there was just no way for me to handle it. Of course that meant that I was what, irresponsible? I worked a twelve hour day, excuse the fuck out of me for being busy with four other clients at the time. It's one crisis after another, and it never slows down or stops. I'm on full crisis mode all the time. I'm burning out and I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem like I can do even one more task. I need some time to recharge without anything going wrong for five seconds.

So a client told me she wanted to change doctors. She didn't like her doctor, and when her last round of surgeries were complete she wanted to switch. She told me that it would be all right if she stayed with her current clinic as long as she went to a different MD. So I made the necessary calls and set up the new physician stuff. Then the client tells me she doesn't want that particular doctor, I must change it to another one. So I did it all over again, spent time on the necessary calls to set up the different physician new patient stuff.

So then her broker leaves a message for me stating that the client doesn't want to be at the old clinic, she wants a new clinic. She tells me we need to have a meeting so we can sit down and the client can explain to me that she wants a new clinic as well as a new doctor since I must not know what she wants. So instead of just telling me "new clinic too" I have to jump through a bunch of fucking hoops only to be condescended to like I'm stupid and don't understand, even though I was talking to the client through the whole process and I only did what she asked me. Telling me we need a meeting because I must not understand when all she had to say was a simple three word sentence really chaps me and makes me a lot less inclined to do anything for this woman. It just pissed me off.

This is the shit I'm talking about. I'm considered "thick" because the client tells me one thing and her broker another, so we need a meeting to discuss why I can't do what she wants me to do? I fucking WAS. I changed those plans three times, and spent way too much time on the phone with that goddamn clinic so that she would be happy. So I'm wasting time for nothing - so I can be told that I must not understand so why don't they sit me down to explain it. It makes me want to tell them to fuck off. Of course, I'm in the wrong, and nothing I could ever say would change that. This whole job is all about perception, and I'm perceived as being at fault for everything. I'll always be the fall guy. Intellectually I realize this is just how it is in this field, but it makes me feel like Sisyphus. I just can't win.

All this little stuff if really dragging my ass down. It really does never end. It never slows down, and it never stops. I can never have anything go right for longer than a half a day. I am so fucking sick of dealing with everything that I want to deal with nothing. I was working at Borders on Saturday night and I couldn't stop thinking about my other job. The weight of it feels like a million pounds. I can understand why people become alcoholics. The stress definitely has got the better of me, and I don't see things changing.

I want to take time off, but things will fall down around me if I do. I want to tell everyone to leave me the hell alone, but if I don't handle them they just blow everything out of proportion and the problem balloons. I don't know how the other people do this job. I can't always think of everything. I can't always be perfect. I certainly don't expect perfection from others, just to try their best and not mess my stuff up too badly. Always I'm getting asked if I've done (insert some minute detail). If I haven't, it's why haven't I, even if it was such a fucking small detail that I never even thought of it. Mike tells me the devil's in the details, and he's right - but I'm a big picture kind of person. I have to really think hard about getting every little single thing right, and if I get criticized when I'm doing my best then I'll only end up getting pissed off and then I'm unwilling to even talk about it. I just want to be left alone and I'll FUCKING DO IT just give me space already, and don't lecture me about how perfect I need to be. I'm not fucking perfect, and I have so many things to do that I'm always going to be one step behind. I can't drop what I'm doing every single time, or things are going to be missed. Sam called me up last week and said "call this woman right NOW." I was driving on the beltline, and told him there was no way I was pulling over right then. It wasn't safe and I would call her when I could park somewhere. Well he tells Mike that I hadn't called this person, so he calls me five minutes later and tells me to call her RIGHT NOW. I'm still fucking DRIVING, and I'm not even somewhere I can pull over. What the FUCK is it with all these unreasonable requests?? I mean, I'll get to whatever it is, why does everything have to be a goddamn emergency?? It's SOOOOO fucking not.

Mike calls me on Friday - tells me to call three people and talk to them. I say okay, I'll do that, no problem. Only then he gets annoyed with me because I have to use my cell. OK. I'm nowhere near a land line, and I have to call them right away yet Mike doesn't want me to use my cell phone?? Tell me what you want me to do then give me impossible conditions then act exasperated with me because you're unreasonable? ugh!

I was all set to miss Mike but I am changing that idea based on the past two weeks. He's been on my ass non-stop for every tiny thing. He asked what I planned to do for a situation, and I didn't know because I hadn't had the meeting to plan anything yet. He wanted me to tell him what the plan was, even if I didn't know. I said to him, uh Mike, I don't know and I won't know until later today after I have a meeting about it with the other person responsible. So then he asked me what the options were. Well, Mike, I don't know because I haven't had that meeting yet. "But what are the options?" That's called I don't know, Mike, and I won't know until this afternoon. "Well let me know when you know." Well sure, I'll just do that. "Is this person going to ask that other person to do that?" Well Mike, you'll have to ask her. "Why haven't you asked her?" Because you're the one who wants to know, and I'm HAVING A MEETING LATER to talk about this stuff...a meeting I haven't been to yet.

WELL JESUS H. CHRIST. I can probably get fired for smacking my boss with a chair. I would say that situation was just pure harrassment. I am forced to go round in circles and stay calm, but I'm still treated like I'm doing something wrong because someone else is on a different time table. I realize that Mike has his things going on and he's stressed about selling his house and leaving the country but he's driving me fucking bats.

I also realize that I'm letting Mike get to me, and that's where I'm getting fucked up. I'm letting his stress wander over onto me, and he's become focused on making my life hell. I'm his pet project for improvement and that is unacceptable. I can't work with him hovering over me like that. I can't work with anyone hovering over me like that. Another manager called me with some stupid request last week and it ended up that I'd already done what he was asking two hours prior to the call. I felt like he was checking up on me and I got annoyed. I managed to shrug it off that time, but as it's happening more and more I'm really less inclined to be nice about it. I'm beginning to feel picked at, and I can't work like this. I have so much already to deal with that people haranguing me is totally NOT acceptable.

I guess I'm feeling better about things, but putting all my frustrations down in print always takes away the sting. I am going to have to talk to Cathy tomorrow about Mike driving me nuts. I'll also have to talk to her about the clinic/doctor situation so she's aware that I have a lot going on with the client and the broker. I have to stop shouldering so goddamn much. I've been telling Mike whatever he wants to hear just to shut him up, and that's dishonest. I feel crappy about trying to mollify him because he's being an ass. I'm a capable person and I don't deserve to be hounded every day. I shouldn't have to always feel like the truth isn't good enough. What is, is. I'm not perfect and nobody should be giving me a hard time non-stop because they have issues. I'm not anyone's bitch and it stops now.