Salon published an article about the number one cause of death for pregnant women. It's murder by their partners.
Having been pregnant at least once (ok, twice but I miscarried once and didn't keep the other), I have an intimate experience with this one. I was involved with an asshole for a few years until I got a restraining order and escaped by Greyhound two thousand miles and even THEN had to get a gun because the asshole followed me.
We got pregnant in November of 1994, and I got sick as a dog. I was still working 2-3 jobs because he certainly wasn't going to and we needed a place to stay. I'd work, come home, he'd take my money, and then try to kill me at least twice a week. In my opinion that wasn't quite the best for me and baby.
I thought that because I was carrying his child, unplanned though that was, that he would stop beating me. Instead, that was some sort of green light because I was doing so poorly healthwise, and he stepped up the attacks until I was sure I was going to die nearly every day. He never specifically attacked my unborn child like I've seen in movies (punching the stomach, etc) but he was trying to kill me, so worrying about a child became secondary to just escaping him.
When December came I was covered in bruises all the time, and his favorite thing was to choke me and smother me, so I had to wear turtlenecks even though it was hot where I was working tending bar and waiting tables. The beatings continued the farther along I got. I am smart enough to make the connection so I made plans to get rid of the pregnancy and then the boyfriend once I was able.
January came around and at 11 weeks along I was able to terminate the pregnancy and lo and behold the abuse slacked off and I was able to catch a break. No one will ever convince me that my pregnancy wasn't a factor in the abuse. I still have no idea why, but maybe someone will be able to explain it one day how being pregnant is such a risk for abuse and murder.
After my abortion I was still living with an abuser, but not being pregnant and vulnerable I was able to finally break free from him. I really hope he's dead somewhere, but I know that there are millions of women carrying fetuses right now who are in danger every day because of it. Why did it take the murder of that woman in Ohio to make people aware of it?
Amanda has another take on it.
That is strange. You would think the man would become more protective, not abusive...perhaps it's a fear that the child will usurp his place? In anycase , I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but I'm glad you wrote about it. (And the last post too.)
ReplyDeleteI was always protective I just do not understand it......being abusive to a pregnant woman or just a woman.......
ReplyDeleteSO much i didnt know about your life reading this makes me respect you even more for your honesty and bravery (showing that part of you)
ReplyDeleteI could never imagine raising my hand to Stace, let alone if she was carrying my baby... There really are some dickheads out there...
There has to be something very wrong with a guy like that, such insecurity and fear, I am anti capital punishment but i think i could make an exeption on that prick!
thanks for sharing again SHelly, that takes some serious balls
Allan: Thanks for visiting and commenting! I'm not sure about why men abuse and kill their pregnant partners so goddamn much, but I've heard the theory that they are trying to avoid paying for a child. Seems like they'd make more money OUT of prison, ya?
ReplyDeleteSteve: It's hard to understand why people do what they do - you're one of the good ones. :)
Aidan: Thanks. I don't know if it's honesty or bravery as much as relief that I survived, and anger that I ever had to deal with such trouble.
I agree - there are so many dickheads out there, and they just seem to be on the loose and hurting so many women. I always want to shout at them We Outnumber You, Assholes!! hehehe.
There is something wrong with a guy like the one I had - but unfortunately there are millions and millions more out there JUST like him.
For some reason that I don't understand they have the need to subjugate, control and abuse women to feel like men.
It's made me verrrrrry strong as a person, and I'm glad I got out so I can even be here to tell my story. I hope it makes people think about a strong feminist and how she got like that. There are as many of me out there as there are of them. There'd be more, even, if they hadn't been killed.
I'm one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget where I came from, even as I enjoy a healthy, strong relationship with an awesome, loving, caring, and gentle man. (Who happens to be a total perv, thank GOD) LOL! =)
I'm not sure why they do it. Perhaps with a baby on the way they feel more control and they don't hesitate to raise their hand. This should definitely be looked into.
ReplyDeleteThat must have taken so much courage to leave. I'm so happy that you shared your story. So many people judge abused women. They don't understand why women stay, which is quite obvious from fear. I wish all women could have a second chance, to be free and loved. You're an inspiration!
My blood just boils when I read your testimony. How I would love to track that scumbag down and personally see that he is escorted to Hades (which I don't even believe in) after a slow painful lingering death.
ReplyDeleteShelley YOU are amazing. I saw that the number one cause of death for pregnant women was their partners courtesy of that asshole Cop that is in the News. Isn't that astonishing.
Shelley my dear I don't know how you managed to pull it together and save yourself but I am so humbled by your success.
Whatever 'powerful force' deep within that finally convinced you to walk out of that door should be labelled as miraculous.
I only know you as this brilliant empowered feisty amazon goddess that would craps lightning bolts and eats mysoginists for breakfast!
I am so impressed by your decision to act. Now the only IF in your lIFe is intestinal fortitude.
Christine: Yay! I'm an inspiration! Oh no, why did that old Chicago song start running through my head now? =P
ReplyDeleteThanks though. I appreciate it, and you're right about abused women being judged for staying, when by leaving they are candidates for murder.
Homey: Woah! I dun wanna piss you off any time soon - I'd see that Canuck temper! However, I loooooove this description: "brilliant empowered feisty amazon goddess that would craps lightning bolts and eats mysoginists for breakfast!" HAHAHA!! That is so priceless. Thank you!
It wasn't a deep powerful force that made me leave - it was one particularly vicious attack that left me bleeding and near death. I knew that was it and I had to escape and so I did.
I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't had to gather the strength to "geddthefuckout" of that insane relationship.
It would have been a LOT sooner if I hadn't gotten pregnant.
And yes, I would love to say that I wish ill onto that rat bastard, but he's made his own bad karma and he'll be punished accordingly.