Weekend Update

I haven't really had good experiences with porn. I'm outgoing, no hangups about sex, and willing to try pretty much anything once to see if it's for me, twice if I like it, and three times to be sure (to steal a Mae West quote, ha!). I decided last year sometime that it was time for me to (gasp!) buy my first porn movie. With a friend I went to the local adult toy store to check out their titles. This place was very intimidating. I had no idea what I was looking for, and they have row upon row of every kind of kink one can imagine. I was overwhelmed. Eventually I settled on something called "Naughty and Nice," which seemed pretty normal and nothing too weird. I got it home, and there was, under the label, another label that read: ATM. I thought: Automatic Teller Machine? Hmm. I showed the boyfriend and he didn't know either. We checked the liner notes, because it seemed fairly obvious it was meant to be something important about the video. Well, wouldn't it then have been labeled on the outside where I had a chance to see it before I bought it? Anyway, we decided to just see the video and try to decipher the letters based on the porn.

Ok. We started watching, and about five minutes in it all became clear. I became aware that the fucking was not your average penis-enters-vagina or mouth, rinse and repeat. Hey now, that's not right! It was straight up ass-fucking, and then...and then...into her mouth? ATM...Ass to Mouth. Ok. Instant Ew.... then the thought...Why?? Why?? So for my first movie I bought totally disgusting swill of porn? Wasted money, and I didn't try it again.

Ok I need to rant more about this. I think ATM is fairly disgusting and must be a specific kink for people who like to see women abused. Therefore, why in the fuck would a video about it not be labeled so? Why trick someone into buying it with an innocuous title like "Naughty and Nice?" I mean, if someone is into it, they're into it, and they don't need to be tricked. Besides that, there are hundreds if not thousands of porn videos like that labeled correctly, and I'm not going to be buying them. I'm sure there are enough videos of all kinds to go around. Damn.

Ok. Rant off.

About six months after the atm "incident" the BF got a movie at the adult store around the corner. Since it was his turn to try the movie thing I was okay with it, but no way was I going to be the one choosing. The movie looked pretty decent from the cover - nothing super low budget or weird. I saw a few minutes of it, but again - it ended up being way out there and not appealing to me. If it looks painful you can count me out immediately. A woman begins fisting herself in the first scene almost immediately, while some guy with a cigarette degrades her verbally. We never actually watched the whole thing because it was obvious that it wasn't a turn-on for either of us. Strike Two.

I was starting to think that maybe I just thought porn was okay, but really it's not. Maybe it's all about the mistreatment of women so that men can get off on it. What kind of fucked up industry is that, anyway? Here I'm trying to be open minded and all I'm seeing is nasty shit that should offend anyone! And uh, Ow! That looks painful. Sex should not make a person wince.

So this weekend - we decided to visit the woman-friendly adult store here in town, and it turns out that they have a lot of videos that are decidedly non-abusive or sick, that feature men and women, and we can rent before we buy! Hallelujah! I was kind of worried it would be all lesbian titles or something and can we say ZZZZZzzzz? Sorry, not interested in looking at other women's privates. If there is at least one guy for me to look at then it's fine, but I see myself naked every day of the week at least once or twice, and really - it's not that exciting. My boyfriend would disagree - but if my own body got me hot then I think that would be a problem. Him getting excited is a good thing. Me? Not so much.

We rented one title - something about "Together Forever" or something like that - and it's a similar theme to the movie "Ghost." Of course then we ended up going to the Dick Dale show and never got around to watching it. Then, we were so hung over we didn't get to either, then we went to a mustard museum/shop and got dinner and then I was pissy and tired and he was dealing with personal stuff so we also didn't get around to it. I'm sure we'll see it at some point, and GODDAMN it why are the neighbors playing loud music at 11:24 on a Sunday night?

Anyway. I'm not suprised at my pissiness. I was hungover all day, and then I didn't want to sleep earlier but I also didn't want to get involved in WoW because I thought we were going out, so I ended up falling asleep anyway and messing up my sleep cycle - and yeah, I'm still pissy about it. I'm pissy in general and have been all day. Waiting on someone and putting off doing anything because of it and then nothing happens just kind of irritates me.
Here's where a blog really becomes a journal. I do not blog to entertain. Sometimes it's just the real shit that comes out, and I'm not going to apologize for it. Fuck that.

I have been really fucking depressed for the last couple of days. The nature of my job depresses the hell out of me. I despise getting backed into corners and it seems that they should have written that into my job description because it happens so often. I am robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to staffing - and I always have to pretend that I don't fucking hate doing it. I just wish it was easier sometimes.

I cried for a long time the other morning, and I don't cry that often. I cried because I'm angry and upset and I cry when I'm mad. I am angry because supervising people sucks. There's a woman who lives to manipulate people and I hate it. She started in on me the other day, telling me she wanted me to help her by lying to somebody else to get the other person to do something. That isn't how I operate. I started thinking while she was talking - thinking about all the different ways of responding to her, and also of how to deal with the other person involved. I hate that every problem falls on me. I hate that I get stuck in horrible situations just so I keep the peace. I ended up telling the woman that I would just do what needed to be done and waste a whole day of my life in Hell just so she'd stop talking. No, I didn't put it like that. I wish I could just fucking say what happened but too many people read this blog.

It's no wonder I'm so pissed off and have been since Friday. I'm tempted to start a fight with just about anyone right now. I biked for hours on Saturday and I'm still not relaxed. What the fuck? What's it going to take before I can deal with my life and job? I can't even try to sleep because I fucking fell asleep earlier waiting for the bf to get done with whatever so we could get going but then that never happened...arrrgh! I'm just pissed off. Seriously pissed off and I thought I was maybe tired or something but it's been days now and I am not calming down. I heard a quote once that depression was anger turned inside. Well in or out I feel like hell.